Finally calling it a day

[mangopasty]

After a 7 year relationship, 3 of which have been spent living in one house with my my DD, DP and his two DD's, I'm finally throwing in the towel. I don't have any fight left in me. I had a frank discussion with DP a few nights ago and tried to set out where I feel my needs aren't being met (mostly down to our relationship although there are pressures by his Disney Dad parenting) and it ended up as a row about how I hate his family and his kids. Not true, but I'm done fighting.

Practically, he is going to stay in the property we jointly own and buy me out. I have my own house I can move back in to in a few weeks. But the tricky bit is how I explain everything to my DD, who is 11. Also made more difficult by my ExH, who is abusive, high conflict and enjoys bending DD's ear to convince her that her life with me is terrible, so I need to handle this carefully.

DD has a very difficult relationship with one of DP's DD's, so I expect she won't be sorry to no longer live with her, but she does have a good relationship with his other DD, who is also 11. One of my bugbears with DP's girls however is that they are not kind, or empathetic, or really willing to think of others. Most of the time they ignore me completely and never contact either DD or me if they're at their Mum's. So I'm not expecting much from them, but my DD is very sensitive and feels her feelings deeply.

I myself am also very sad, and emotional, and still love DP despite all the issues. But I think this is the right move to make, for DD and me. We are about to have a week where all of us are in the house together and I've no idea yet how DP intends to tell his own DDs. Can anyone advise me on how to approach this next step with my DD, and any practical advice please?

I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out. I’d arrange with your DP to tell your girls on the same day, so one doesn’t let slip to the other.

You're being harsh thinking it unkind and lacking in empathy for the girls not to have contacted you or your DD when at their mother’s. They’re kids fgs, one is 11. They knew they’d see you soon as they live with you part-time. You’re the adult, if you wanted communication with them during that time you should have initiated it. But seriously why did you want to be in touch with children you think so little of.

I don't think the OP's comment about them not contacting when at their Mums was intended the way @Belarus interpreted it. I think she just means that given that's how they are she isn't anticipating them being as rocked by the split perhaps. Some kids both initiate and respond to contact... funny memes, sending TikTok's etc. some just don't have that sort of relationship. Hope all goes well @mangopasty hard times for you all xxx

Mangopasty I am going through the same thing he is moving out Thursday, I also have a sometimes tricky ex husband who I do feel will be somewhat smug about these change of circumstances! But I am also like you, sad, exausted but just know it’s for the best for my son and I. Blended families are incredibly hard it’s without fail the most complex situation I’ve ever been involved in.

Oh yes I also continuously had comments about “hating and being jealous of his kids” if I raised opinions or anything: it wears you down to such a low point. I’m so so glad that I will never have to hear that again.

Oh and just to say I sat my son down who is seven and just said gently that my ex won’t be living with us anymore and we won’t be seeing his children but everything else will stay the same and for him not to worry, his mum and dad love him, his grandparents and his friends (to be fair we Haven’t seen his kids for four and a half months anyway it’s a long story but just shows how bad Things got) I would say he has taken it really well, so well that the only thing he seems massively concerned about is whether the PlayStation and our cat will still remain in my house! I think children are far more resilient than what we can sometimes think and as long as they have a happy calm mum that’s all they want.

I am sad to read this and send support.it must be impossibly difficult when you have your own children. As a childfree stepmother I only had myself to protect and knew without a shadow of doubt that had I had my own DC the situation would have failed very early. You’ve lasted a long time. I totally empathise with your feelings towards your SDs. Mine would smugly smile at me behind her father’s back when she knew her behaviours were unfair/unreasonable and downright rude. Children are much more aware and manipulative than they are given credit for.

I don’t have much advice other than to put yourself and your DD front and centre, look out for yourself as they sure as hell won’t.

@flowergirl2020 has it right - I'm not expecting DP's kids to respond the way I think my DD will, or be interested in maintaining any contact. I've tried over the years, probably harder than I should have, and this just isn't their way.

Fortunately DD is away with her Dad at the moment so I have a bit of time to work out how to speak to her. But yes, I need to make sure she is protected from any unpleasantness that could be coming as a result of the split. I just don't really know how other than the way @Inamess2022 suggests.

And you are being harsh and unkind by seeing things in OPs post that just aren’t there. She has come here for support not to be berated over something you imagined. There’s an old saying if you can’t say something decent it’s better not to at all