Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Staying for the step kids...

18 replies

Iggyoggy · 21/08/2022 08:51

My friend made a comment when I was speaking to her the other day and I was wondering what people's opinions were on this.

Basically I share one child with my husband and he has older DC too. Kids ages are 2 (ours), 8 & 10 (his).

There's been a few issues ongoing for some time and I'm at the point of considering leaving. The main one being how he parents. He just isn't present at all, he's always working, never wants to do anything with us, anything fun DSC do is arranged by and done by me. If it was up to him they'd just sit inside never going anywhere or doing anything, even in the holidays he spends no time with them, never taken them away ect.. They live here the majority of the time, their mum is a whole other thread.

Admittedly he's always been like this and at first it didn't seem so huge. But now it's really getting to me and I just want to leave and be with our DC and just give them the best life I can.

I was talking with a friend about this (her child is a step child so she's very sensitive to this stuff from their POV). She basically made out like I should stay for them because I'll be leaving them in a situation I'm not happy for my own child to be in.

Realistically though surely this isn't right? I can't be expected to stay for children that aren't mine? I do feel for them and I've spent the years I've been with their father trying to make things better, doing things with them, caring for them often more than their own parents have. But I don't want this to be my child's childhood. Yes that's selfish but surely my child is my priority? What else can I really do?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

AverageJoan · 21/08/2022 08:59

I agree, YANBU here. You can't stay for children that aren't yours, that is for their own parents to sort out and you need to do what you think is best for yourself and your own child.

LadyCluck · 21/08/2022 09:00

YANBU - your child is your priority here. Not other peoples.

If you did leave, how would you feel about him having contact time with your child and how he’d parent whilst you weren’t there?

Original poster

Iggyoggy · 21/08/2022 09:04

If you did leave, how would you feel about him having contact time with your child and how he’d parent whilst you weren’t there?

I accept he'd obviously have some of his life spent being with his dad. I'm not worried about him in the sense that H is violent or abusive or anything like that. He just doesn't prioritise spending time with them. It's a shame but at least the rest of the time can be spent doing things how we'd like to do them.

I doubt he'd even go for 50:50 tbh. He only has the others more often through necessity (and because I've facilitated it), no idea what will happen there if I leave.

OP posts:

happinessischocolate · 21/08/2022 09:11

I know someone who wanted to leave her husband when her ds was 2 and her 2 step children were 4. & 7. Her husband said if she left she's never see the step kids again so she stayed but could eventually take no more and when her ds was 16 she left.

The two step children fell out with her for leaving their dad, haven't spoken to her for 5 years now. She gave up years for them and they blame her for the marriage breakdown.

aSofaNearYou · 21/08/2022 09:30

Hell no. I think you realise your friends views on this are extreme, of course you shouldn't be expected to stay.

Daleksatemyshed · 21/08/2022 09:55

What a sad situation for you and the DC. I don't think you can be expected to stay just because their DF can't be asked and leaves it all to you. I'd be very surprised if he wants more than EOW when he doesn't have a woman to do his free childcare. If possible it would be kind to see his DC now and again after you leave but only to your timetable, don't let him go on taking advantage or you'll never stop

forrestgreen · 21/08/2022 10:00

No you should go, although if you speak to his ex, she may consider you keeping in touch with the sch.

I wouldn't arrange it with your P as he'll just take the mick as he does now

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 10:50

Absolutely not. There's no reason to stay for the DSC, they might not even appreciate it. You only get one life.

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 10:50

Also don't feel you have to make contact arrangements based on when he has his other kids.

SudocremOnEverything · 21/08/2022 11:18

I agree with the others that it’s not your job to compensate the SC for their parents. You have to do what’s right for you and your child. Maybe being an EOW dad on his own will make him step up and parent.

staying for your children is rarely a great thing. Staying for other people’s children is ridiculous.

RedWingBoots · 21/08/2022 11:56

@happinessischocolate She should have left at the time and not given into emotional blackmail.

RedWingBoots · 21/08/2022 12:02

OP please leave.

While you shouldn't and must not block your child and their half-siblings from seeing one another, it isn't your job to stay to care for your SC, your child's half siblings.

Hell myself and a few others I know had mothers who facilitated seeing our half-siblings because our fathers were shit or out of the picture. However once one of the children gets to secondary age and you don't live miles away, then they can ask and sort out seeing half-siblings directly.

DuchessDarty · 21/08/2022 17:31

Yes, do leave if that’s what you want to do.

Do try and facilitate contact and then you can do fun things now and then with the DSC and your child.

happinessischocolate · 21/08/2022 18:32

RedWingBoots · 21/08/2022 11:56

@happinessischocolate She should have left at the time and not given into emotional blackmail.

Maybe but their mother had left and never saw them and she loved them so, what do you do?

She chose to stay and that was her decision that she lives with, the OP wants to leave and they have a mother so yep, I'd say go.

Namechangefail123 · 21/08/2022 18:39

I don't know ... One reason I wouldn't leave is because I have a happy family life DSC included

wildseas · 21/08/2022 18:43

I wonder if there is a halfway solution here?

I don't think that you should stay in a relationship that you are unhappy in, or keep your DS in a situation which isn't right for him so seperation might well be the answer.

However, if you are the primary carer for your DSC and effectively their main parent then I do think that you need to think carefully about how you can protect that relationship once you leave (assuming you want to). In your position I would offer something like every other weekend and half the holidays - so they get some nice time with you and their sibling and you keep the bond - but with their dad becoming their main parent

Original poster

Iggyoggy · 21/08/2022 19:14

To be honest I don't really want to keep any sort of structured relationship with DSC if we were to split. Certainly not the extent of having them EOW and half the holidays!!

I'm happy for H to facilitate the relationship between them and I'm sure I'd see them at other points but I wouldn't plan to keep any sort of official contact.

OP posts:

SudocremOnEverything · 21/08/2022 19:39

Iggyoggy · 21/08/2022 19:14

To be honest I don't really want to keep any sort of structured relationship with DSC if we were to split. Certainly not the extent of having them EOW and half the holidays!!

I'm happy for H to facilitate the relationship between them and I'm sure I'd see them at other points but I wouldn't plan to keep any sort of official contact.

And that’s totally fair enough. You don’t have to do it. It’s up to him to ensure the half siblings see each other. If he doesn’t, it’s him that’s letting them down.

Flip