Step Daughter Lying

[CrystalCat22]

Hey everyone,

I have a 9 year old step daughter, a 5 year old daughter and am currently 10 weeks pregnant.

For the past 6 months, my step daughters behaviour has been getting more and more challenging. She will be mean to other children and make fun of them when they cry, but then she will go back to her mum and lie about what happened, when it was witnessed by many adults.

Her mum doesn't believe in punishing her for being mean to others, so she is getting mixed messages from both sides. She understands what it means as she told me that 'x' and 'y' is mean and could upset others but does it anyway as its funny.

We are seeking some support for her incase there is something underlying. Nothing has changed in the past 6 weeks, she gets loads of attention from dad but unfortunately it's mostly for negative reasons as her behaviour is persistent. He spends lots of 1-1 time with her and we have tried so many ways to understand and explain this to her.

We have been together most of her life, so it's not that myself, my daughter and the baby is a new factor. This has been happening for a number of years but has seemed to have escalated in the past 6 months.

Unfortunately mum has significant mental health issues and has told her that she might be unwell like her, as she is just like her. It means mum and dad do not work together and she often gets mixed messages about what is right and wrong.

My daughter is also starting to copy her behaviour.

Any advice? We are all exhausted, and the lies seem to be continuing and getting progressively worse about others. I just want our home to be happy xx

Are the mental health issues hereditary? Has DSD been assessed? Does she also lie at school? What are the consequences for her lying?

She is currently being assessed, and yes she lies at school too unfortunately.

I don't know whether it's hereditary as her mum was asked to complete a section with her conditions for the assessment and she said she actually may have not been diagnosed 'officially' with anything, but thinks she has this and this condition.

Punishments at our house is losing her ipad for a certain amount Of time and missing out on things she likes however she doesn't really care. There are no punishments on her mums side, her mum has told her she has ADHD (this isn't true, it's not even what she's being assessed for), and tells us that we are damaging her mental health by punishing her for being mean to other children.

You can’t control what’s happening at her mums so if she lies, there’s not much you can do, although DH explain why lies are unacceptable. Focus on what happens when she is with you.

How does DH respond to her poor behaviour? Does he parent her? Set boundaries? Do they have plenty of 1:1 time?

I’d have zero tolerance for her being mean to other children and mocking their distress. What are the consequences for this?

To be fair (I am biaised) but DH does most of the parenting for her, sets boundaries, he is the one that administers consequences and is genuinely stricter. He will spend 1 on 1 time with her, have deep chats with her.

I'm not sure what else we can do as a consequence other than taking away things she may care about or taking away things she likes doing, but neither seem to be working.

If you could suggest anything alternative as a consequence I'd be forever grateful, I'm at my wits end with this xx

Has your DH spoken to the school? I can't imagine being told you are mentally ill without an official diagnosis is good for a child. Can he apply for 100% contact?

Does she know about the baby yet?

Yes DH is in touch with the school SEN and they provided a report that she needs support for social situations and is very possessive and controlling over one friend.

Yeah he can apply for 100% custody, I'm just unsure on how successful we will be with it.

I agree that it is not healthy for a child to be told they are mentally ill. Her mum told her she's unwell and she's exactly the same as her. Unfortunately mum uses her mental health as an excuse to be quite abusive to DH. He often gets called a cunt or a bully for communicating with her about anything.

To be fair, 9 is kind of peak lying age! (Developmental) Worry about the being mean stuff, but lying is usually a phase and most people learn that they prefer people to trust them than not.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-do-children-lie-normal-compulsive-pathological-lying-in-kids-0107197#:~:text=Lying%20tends%20to%20peak%20between%20the%20ages%20of,reasons.%20Those%20include%3A%20Developing%20a%20theory%20of%20mind.

Thank you for the link, it is really helpful.

I am racking my brains trying to work out why she acts in this way. She makes up lies about our home too and goes back to her mum which causes arguments. She is aware of these arguments too as her mum tells her EVERYTHING re coparenting, even to do with her other baby daddy too. This results in her knowing far more than any 9 year old should, and having adult anxieties as a result.

It just makes things difficult when we go and see friends or family with other children as some parents aren't as forgiving and sometimes she can be really mean. It makes me super anxious to take her anywhere around other children.

Mum doesn't support any MH support as 'doesn't see any issues' but then labels her with ADHD which is a little confusing. DH is managing the assessments and consultations single handedly.

Sorry yes both girls know about the baby and have done for around a month due to me being sick constantly haha.

It is simple. Now she has to share her dad. Her 1/2 is now going to 1/3.

Her knowing about the baby coming doesn't change the fact how she feels, threatened, insecure, is she going to be replaced? This is how she feels but may be start talking to her that she is the BIG sister and she has a very important role to play. Make her feel important, essential

Mmm echoing others in terms of it could be a reaction to new baby and a lot of change here that, with mum being unwell and saying she's unwell too.

I think can you explain that all houses have different rules and in yours lying isn't ok because you want to trust her. Can you explain that as well as losing her ipad, that trust is lost too and the consequences of that in real terms. Kids don't often think passed the lie if that makes sense.

The mum saying she has MH to a girl of this age makes me deeply uneasy tbh... that's not great but if mum has MH issue herself she may struggle to separate her issues with DSD. That said If you look at the parenting board this age comes up again and again as a really tricky age.

If she is non NT then boundaries will help her understand the world better and help her feel safe. You may have to join the dots up for her.

Is there any role you can give her with the baby (like chief nappy fetcher) that you could give her, that you could reward her with positive engagement. Like DSD is the best big sister always goes to get XYZ for the baby with maybe a sticker chart so when she gets 10 stars she gets a treat but loses stars for lying. Give her something tangible to look at see and fix too.

Something has changed. She's found out about the baby. Change in behaviour v normal.