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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Just to vent

19 replies

inapickle1234 · 17/08/2022 23:29

NC for this ..
really struggling with this. Background:
Recently married, both previously married DH widowed and they had a dd together, her mother died when she was 3, he went onto have a long term relationship and they had a dd together, they split up.

Roll on now.. we are happily married. I have always got on well with dd 1, dd2 we have little contact but relationship fine ...lives far away and dd1 refuses to have anything to do with her.

When we announced we were getting married dd1 (in her 20's) went off her head , said her feelings had not been taken into consideration. That hurt but I understood and explained marriage will not effect anything or her relationship with her dad.

Wedding delayed due to covid.

Planned a very low key wedding 12 in total.

Dd1 stopped visiting, when we planned to visit her she would always be busy.. shopping , out.. so I encouraged dh to meet up on his own as I felt it was because I was in tow.

Everything changed , no wishing a happy bday , was invited to xmas dinner and didn't show up.

I subconsciously began to 'not like' her as I felt I was being punished as was her dad.

A few weeks before the wedding I noticed she had blocked me on FB (sounds petty) but I couldn't understand what I had done , I'm not a regular poster on there.

I text her and ask if I'd done anything wrong, she replied saying she didn't want to see any posts about the wedding, I hadn't posted anything but a friend had tagged me in a funny wedding day TikTok thing.

If I'm honest I was dreading what she would be like on the day .. but didn't say anything.

She came , she said hello after the service and made no conversation at all at the meal , sat and played on her phone. Dh engaged with her, I tried and got yes / no back so I gave up.

Since then she came around with a Father's Day card 2 weeks after Father's Day.. didn't look at me and didn't engage only spoke when spoken to..

It's eating at me, I have raised it with dh but I don't want to upset him but it's really upsetting me as I have done nothing wrong , I have told him how upsetting I'm finding it all and he says I can't change the way she behaves she is an adult.

It appears now if anything goes on in her life I know nothing about I.e new job , going on holiday ..

She will text him constantly but I'm never told anything apart from if it's in the night and the phone wakes me and I ask what's up , it's to say the cat flap is stuck!! Or something similar like I had a bad dream.. it's beginning to grate on me now and I sound awful but because of her behaviour towards me I now feel irritated towards her. He is unaware of this and I would never say anything but I need to vent somewhere my mate said she's a brat and had everything and she feels it's not all about her anymore...which is how I'm starting to feel, how do I overcome this ? I would never put him in a situation and I don't want her to feel left out , I have tried .. but get nowhere.

She lives with her partner , so why feel the need to wake us about a cat flap when she's laying next to her partner ..

Sorry for the ramble

OP posts:

MrsDrDear · 17/08/2022 23:39

Leave her to it, you've tried.
I'd just treat her like an acquaintance now.
DH can have the scraps, let them get on with it.

CornishGem1975 · 17/08/2022 23:43

I'd just keep out of it and disengage. She's an adult, albeit a very immature-sounding one. Leave her to crack on with her life and your DH to deal with her how he sees fit. Don't waste anymore energy on it. She's made her feelings and position clear

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 23:52

Shes lost her dm at young age then had a new mother figure who was in a long term relationship with her df and had another child then that ended. Is this his third marriage. It might feel like your dh doesn't value marriage if he's on his third. It's bit of a track record and she might feel like it's tarnish her own mothers memory somewhat. It's clear there's alot for her to unpack here.

Original poster

inapickle1234 · 17/08/2022 23:54

I think that's what I'm finding hard , we used to go shopping , she would text about bf advise .. it was a nice relationship.. now it's the total reverse. I can't understand why the behaviour has changed. It eats at me how I feel so unliked now when I've done nothing. And I also feel for her because she must have issues but for what reason and I don't want to ask so it can go around her group of friends before she comes up with a response.
Do I not ask how she is anymore ? Do I ask her questions when I do see her ? Do I go out when she comes round , not that that happens often .. I just don't know how to react anymore..

Part of me wants to ask him why he's not approaching her with her behaviour but he's of the mindset 'you can't change people' I get that but surely guidance or explaining that it's not nice wouldn't go amiss ...

OP posts:

Original poster

inapickle1234 · 17/08/2022 23:57

@Bananarama21 they didn't marry , she has said before in the past she 'hated' the then partner and was gutted when they had a child together, she refused to engage with the then partner and also refused to see her ... how can I help her ? If I can I will I just don't know where to start .

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 23:59

After your update I wonder if she feels her dm is being replaced did she have counselling for this. Especially given you extra information you have given.

Original poster

inapickle1234 · 18/08/2022 00:03

@Bananarama21 from the conversations we had in the past she don't remember her mother , but her memory still lives in we talk about her. She has not had counselling but maybe that's a good idea.. selfishly I want to help her to make my life better with her

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 18/08/2022 00:06

I think that's an issue that she doesn't remember her. Definitely needs counselling by the sound of it she's struggling to express her emotions and is taking it out on you.

user1484512193 · 18/08/2022 00:21

Leave her to it. She's an adult but she isn't behaving like one and it's her with the issue. She clearly doesn't like to share her dad if she is also weird with DD2 and is attention seeking.
I would ask your husband how she is and feign interest and be civil and believe me at some point he will notice what she's like himself. My stepsister was exactly the same with my mom growing up and like now they're civil but they both live their lives.

LadyCluck · 18/08/2022 06:45

She sounds like a selfish, immature madam who thinks the world has to revolve around her, to be honest.

I appreciate it hurts how she’s treating you but I honestly think your best bet is to disengage. You’ve tried.

What I would do is have a chat with your husband. Tell him calmly and honestly how you feel about the situation. It’s important that he acknowledges the impact her behaviour has on others. What I would absolutely insist on is that if she comes over to your house, she is polite and respectful towards you. If she can’t, then she meets her father elsewhere in future.

Groooot · 18/08/2022 07:21

Well I'm not surprised you're irritated. She sounds irritating. Your husband cant expect you to think the whole situation is lovely and great can he?

Yes she lost her mum at a young age and I'm sure that's very hard for her. But she's a grown woman now not a child and she's acting extremely immaturely.

I'd take a massive step back. Disengage completely. Don't bother anymore frankly because it's not worth getting yourself worked up over.

And tell your husband to put his phone on silent in the night. No way would I be woken up by text messages all night.

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/08/2022 08:35

I'm always a bit 'raised eyebrows' when (divorced) people say on MN that they won't have another relationship until their children are 18. When the children have spent time being raised by mostly mum or mostly dad, they develop a different type of bond to those raised in a nuclear family. They acquire far more influence over their parent than usual, because they are more companion than child. And now they are adults, with their own power. And, mama mia, are they free with their opinions

The disadvantages of this become clear when, say, Dad does remarry. It's been OK for Dad to have girlfriends, especially ones that don't live in. A wife is a whole different kettle of fish. Those marriage vows - they put the wife at the heart of her home, central to decision making. The home, (especially if it's the wife's own property!) is not the adult childrens', to come and go as they were used to, have their friends hang out in at a moment's notice, empty the fridge without saying, take over the kitchen etc etc. Dad, who had been so pliable to their wishes, suddenly has to check his calendar, have a discussion with their SM, make different plans.

None of this was their choice. If they are generous and kind-hearted, you may get a welcome. But like as not, you won't. Human nature.

And then - there is their inheritance. A whole minefield all by itself....

worriedatthistime · 18/08/2022 09:00

Its sounds like she needs tp grow up
i would just leave them to it nit do insist that when she does come to your home , she is polite and shows you respect , otherwise they meet elsewhere

fufflecake · 18/08/2022 12:55

In her 20s I'd just leave her. Ignore her unless she contacts you. If they come to your home they have to be polite or as PP said they meet elsewhere. If she is treating you like nothing don't feel obliged to fight it.

Clagitroonatrouge · 18/08/2022 17:46

I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and he has three girls . They were 5,7 and 10 when we first got together and from day one have never felt like they liked me let alone respected me . They used to stay in the house I owned before I got with their father 4 times a week and I never got any respect . Now they are 18,20 and 23 and they are now telling their father to leave me or they won’t talk to him . And I’m making myself ill over it . His family have never liked me , in particular one of his brothers and continues to call me a c*. When I defend myself , I get the blame for retaliating and now they won’t forgive me or listen to my side

vaingina · 18/08/2022 17:57

I wonder… if these adult women are more worried about where the inheritance will go once dad gets remarried?

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/08/2022 18:03

@Clagitroonatrouge What is the position about housing now? I would be having a chat with a lawyer, just in case.

It is up to your husband. If he doesn't make a stand on your behalf, this could be messy. Does he have money to leave them? Or do they want money now for house deposits? Is this what it is all about? Why would they be any different with any other partner he might find in the future? Surely he wants someone there for him in his old age? Daughters of this ilk would make very poor future carers.

SpaceshiptoMars · 18/08/2022 19:53

@inapickle1234 Sorry to divert on your thread, but this may have relevance to you down the line.

We had a similar issue to @Clagitroonatrouge . DH was kind of knocked out for the count for a while, but I took it to a psychologist. After a few sessions, he called DH in with me. He fixed DH with a laser-like stare, and then said:
This. Is BLACKMAIL.
Dead silence while the statement took effect.... Anyway, DH realized that if he caved on one thing like this, it would only be the beginning. I think the impact was greater with the statement coming from a man, yes, yes, that's sexist, but...

Anyway, it gradually dawned on DH that it was a power grab. That from this point on, he had to take a very different line and not concede anything to threats. Because otherwise, when he was old, or even long before, he would be under intense pressure to hand control of all the family business, decisions and money over to DSCs. And if he did that, I would be out of there before they made a move on my resources too!

Original poster

inapickle1234 · 18/08/2022 20:48

Thank you all it's good to get a mix of replies.. I felt totally depleted today , with it all goi g around and around .. I have spoke to him about how I feel , and he said he's sorry I feel like this but he has no control with her actions..

I'm backing away now, I will enquire minimalistic about her , I will be welcoming in my home but no going above and beyond now.

It may be to do with the finances... I have no idea but I am comfortable not to require anything from his estate should he pop before me and 50/50 between the two would be fine with me. If it is that she will just have to carry that now until such time...

I have to look after my own self worth, thank you

OP posts:

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