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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it fair to ask him to pay more in the school holidays?

52 replies

LightningAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 21:19

My DH and I have a joint account. Into which we pay an amount to cover everything for me, him, our shared DC and DSC this amount is split accordning to income. He pays maintenance out of "his" pot. Is it fair of me to ask him to shove an extra £50 in when the DSC are here for longer than their usual weekend? They are here for two weeks now and our food bill has shot up.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 22:05

Presumably school holidays are more expensive in general regardless of the step kids staying no they are probably cheaper

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 22:06

ClocksGoingBackwards · 14/08/2022 22:04

Does the contribution that you each put into the joint account at the moment cover everything you need during the holidays? If it does then it’s not a problem, but if it doesn’t then yes he should pay more.

No this is the issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 22:07

ArnoldBee · 14/08/2022 22:01

So are you putting more in the pot for your child too?
Bottom line - school holidays especially these summer ones need to be budgeted for and discussed.

No. No extra for our shared DC, its not needed. This is why we haven't discussed it since we moved to the joint account system. It was an oversight.

OP posts:
Yousee · 14/08/2022 22:07

@mattressspring
Apparently a few posters don't think the extra expense of feeding the children should be raised with the DH so I can only assume thats because they don't think he should have to pay extra, or what would be the problem raising the topic?

Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 14/08/2022 22:08

Yousee · 14/08/2022 22:02

Out of mild curiosity, who do we think should be paying for the kids food if not their own father? Why not their father?

Presumably they think me.. they can't possibly think DH should ask for a refund of the maintenance!!

OP posts:
mattressspring · 14/08/2022 22:09

Yousee · 14/08/2022 22:07

@mattressspring
Apparently a few posters don't think the extra expense of feeding the children should be raised with the DH so I can only assume thats because they don't think he should have to pay extra, or what would be the problem raising the topic?

Sorry I misread that Blush

Justbecause19 · 14/08/2022 22:10

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, if you do the food shopping just say could you chuck an extra £50 on the joint account as it's more expensive then normal with the kids around. I doubt your DH would even bat an eyelid! Me and my DH have a similar set up and he wouldn't mind at all. I don't think you need to make it a big thing about you need to pay more because they are your kids (even though that is def fair in my opinion).

bcc89 · 14/08/2022 22:30

I'm confused. Why can't you say "the kids being at home are costing us more money, you need to send across another £X"?

Blendiful · 14/08/2022 22:36

I don't think DH should ask for a refund of the maintenance, if it's calculated over the year to account for how many days including extra, it should work out right.

My ex tried this with me when he took them away for 2 weeks, wanted to pay 0, however when he had covid and then his gf had it and they went on 2 holidays without the kids, so had them not at all for weeks of the year, he never paid a penny extra, nor did I ask. So that really annoyed me.

That aside, I do think DH should be paying the extra in the account for his kids being there.

I simply think you need to say, I've just realised that when we have the kids extra our joint account doesn't cover all we need. Food has cost X amount more whilst they have been here, that needs to go into the account to cover the food bill. Let him hopefully say ah yes I'll put that in. If not you might have to be more direct and say to him, that you simply don't have that spare so he will have to cover it.

JacquelineCarlyle · 14/08/2022 22:39

bcc89 · 14/08/2022 22:30

I'm confused. Why can't you say "the kids being at home are costing us more money, you need to send across another £X"?

This! I'm always confused when posters don't just state the situation and ask for it to be rectified. No over thinking or worrying involved and no setting anyone up.

bcc89 · 14/08/2022 22:41

Married and it's not a secret that costs are rising, but can't say that we need a little more in the food pot this month.

Surely this isn't real.

DuchessDarty · 14/08/2022 23:33

@JacquelineCarlyle you know when I used the phrase “set him up” that was a joke right?

There’s nothing wrong with pointing out what’s needed and giving him a chance to respond. It’s not indirect, it’s just not as forthright as asking for the money. Up to the OP what approach she’s most comfortable with.

lookluv · 15/08/2022 00:08

With attitudes like this it is easy to see why blended families fail.
The joint pot can not stretch to 2 weeks of 2 extra children to feed - really must be tight.

AS to refunds on maintenance - having had i happen to me - it is one of the most disgusting practices in the whole seedy world of paying for ones children when a family splits up.

Lilithslove · 15/08/2022 00:28

lookluv · 15/08/2022 00:08

With attitudes like this it is easy to see why blended families fail.
The joint pot can not stretch to 2 weeks of 2 extra children to feed - really must be tight.

AS to refunds on maintenance - having had i happen to me - it is one of the most disgusting practices in the whole seedy world of paying for ones children when a family splits up.

@lookluv money is actually that tight for a lot of people at the moment.

As for blended families failing, you do realise that blended families can only exist because first families have already failed don't you?

Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 06:20

The joint pot can not stretch to 2 weeks of 2 extra children to feed - really must be tight. yes it is that tight. I

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 06:23

LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 06:20

The joint pot can not stretch to 2 weeks of 2 extra children to feed - really must be tight. yes it is that tight. I

Oops.

It will be less tight in a couple of months but this does not help us now. We have been building up a buffer account for the ridiculous energy prices so we aren't completely floored by the first couple of bills.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 06:25

And yes I can just ask him I just wanted to check I wasn't being completely unfair to ask him first. This isn't one of those relationship ending situations, just a bit of a sense check if you will as these stepfamilies can be a tricky situation to navigate.

OP posts:
Original poster
LightningAndRainbows · 15/08/2022 06:26

Oh and he's absolutely not going to ask for money back from maintenance. He's not stupid.

OP posts:
DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 06:37

As for blended families failing, you do realise that blended families can only exist because first families have already failed don't you?

To be fair, some blended families only exist because of death...

PMAmostofthetime · 15/08/2022 06:41

@NewbieSM how is OP being tight? They both pay into a joint account that amount is not covering the bills and food costs atm with inflation and it being the school holidays why should she pay all the extra? I think it should be split equally. They are a family unit-
Split the extra cost.

No one's checking how much DSC eats and charging Dad per item.

BananaBlue · 15/08/2022 08:38

OP is it worth revisiting how you split spends?

I ask because you sound quite short of cash but if he can contribute more, does he have more money than you?

There are no SC in my marriage but we pool funds and have equalish personal spends so no one ever has less money than the other?

If you are splitting bills by % of income then one party may have less than the other and may need to be reviewed.

BananaBlue · 15/08/2022 08:40

Oh and I don’t think this is a step issue per se, the holidays have pushed household cost up.

If adults are home more, that alone increases cost.

More money is needed in the bills account.

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2022 09:09

If expenses go up in hols then yes you both need to pay more in. But shud dh pay more? I don't think so. If you had children who weren't his and they lived with you and dh Would you be happy paying more than ur dh every month? And you having less spare money? Your a family you should both contribute equally to the pot.

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 09:13

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2022 09:09

If expenses go up in hols then yes you both need to pay more in. But shud dh pay more? I don't think so. If you had children who weren't his and they lived with you and dh Would you be happy paying more than ur dh every month? And you having less spare money? Your a family you should both contribute equally to the pot.

Why should OP be paying for his children though? They have 2 parents already.

Maybe OP you should both be putting a bit more in, because costa have rinsed, but he should definitely be giving more than you. You have 1 child, he has more. That is absolutely his responsibility and nobody else's.

I don't really buy this 'you are a family' shit either. You can be a family without being out of pocket for children who already have 2 parents. They are the ones who have financial responsibility, not OP.

Lilithslove · 15/08/2022 14:31

DuchessDarty · 15/08/2022 06:37

As for blended families failing, you do realise that blended families can only exist because first families have already failed don't you?

To be fair, some blended families only exist because of death...

Oh yes of course, and it is tragic and I imagine that if parent has died then blending families would have a different set of complications.

But I find the phrase "this is why blended families fail" a bit odd in this context as the OP has made it clear that her partner pays maintenance so it isn't the case here.

I think some posters on here forget that in most cases the root cause of step-families/blended families is that people have had children with people that they haven't stayed with.

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