SC on Christmas

[bluevelvety]

I'm not sure why I'm up at 5am in a panic about this - but I am

We have my SC almost 50/50 and I have 2DC (one w/DP).
We haven't had them for Christmas before - we usually get them for Christmas lunch and have them to stay on Christmas night.

Christmas is so important to me. (I'm one of them ). I look forward to it all year, makes me giddy when I think of it, and I'm just obsessed with the magic of it with my 2DC and making it all special.

Now my SC are good; I don't mind them being here at all but I don't necessarily enjoy it. And they're of a different nature to my DC - rowdy, loud, other issues. Hate to say it also, but can be slightly ungrateful and spoiled.

Also, my DP has previously said that there's different traditions that his SC have (where the presents get put by FC, they're allowed to wake up and start opening them first), and he said hypothetically, if they do stay on Christmas any year, he is unwilling to change that as it's their traditions so we'd have to do two separate ways with the DC.

Anyway, to get to the point, I'm sat here in August panicked that this'll be the first year that we have them Christmas Eve night/Christmas morning and it'll just absolutely change the atmosphere of my Christmas with my DC. And I don't want to sound awfully selfish (although I know I already am) but I only have a few left with them being so young and I really, really want to enjoy the magic 100% and LOVE it rather than just get by with it.

Maybe I'm being ridiculous and selfish and I imagine I'd just have to suck it up but I just feel like I'd be sacrificing this precious time with young DC for a difficult Christmas.

Anyone been in this situation before/experiences of this?

Similar position here. We just had to make our own new traditions. The DSC get the hang of it. You can't run two different Christmases for them so some of the kids are opening their presents earlier than others.

How old are the SDC? Could father christmas leave their gifts in their room out of sight of the younger DC who get theirs later? It's a tricky one but if you relax a bit then new traditions will develop. You could compromise and the kids can open some gifts in the morning from FC and then the family ones later in the day? We had similar FC issues and FC brings the stocking gifts in this house and they get open in the morning. Your DH has to accept all the kids are part of a "blended" (hate that word) family and so all kids need a blended Christmas. It's similar to when you have your first child together and have to work out which bits of your own family Christmasses you want to carry forward.

Knowing how important Christmas is to you, imagine not doing it the way you love for years with your children. That's the position husband is in.

Between you, you need to find a compromise that you will all enjoy.

What's the age gap and how long have you been with dp that he's not had christmas morning with his dc for so long?

I think this is good advice OP.

I do sympathise because tbh I feel the same - I do enjoy it less when it's a DSC year. It is just something you have to get used to, not dissimilar to spending every other Christmas with the in laws!

But I do think your DH should compromise. They are there with you, the "we are doing it their way" attitude isn't fair and will breed resentment. Then getting to open their presents at a specific point should not be the lynchpin of enjoying Christmas.

How old are the kids? As they get past the "believing" age then new traditions may naturally develop as they are part of keeping the magic going for the younger DC, being in on the secret now.
I do sympathise though, my DSD has never been allowed Christmas with her dad but I can imagine the logistics of different traditions and a swap half way through the day could be tricky to navigate.

Tbh, given it’s the first Christmas he’s had them in years, it’s likely to be the way their mother loves doing it. Even more so if we factor in standard gender roles in families.

Being told that the SC must have everything their mother’s way is one of the most depressing parts of stepparenting. Your husband needs to compromise and find a way that works for everyone.

It also, partly, IME depends on who is putting in the effort. Men who don’t put in equal effort organising things, simply don’t get an equal say. The woman doing the work is not his employee.

I remember saying to my (STBX)H on about Christmas Eve, the first year the SC were with us for Christmas, that I actually didn’t care about his opinion on any of it any more. He’d done precisely nothing to help at all - including not even bothering to organise his children's presents. All he had done was question anything any penny I spent on my DS (‘fairness’ - except that, as always, the SC had far more spent on them than DS 🙄) and whinge about having to build some of the things I’d bought for his children.

We were (and are) both working FT in demanding roles. The time for him to have an opinion (beyond that it must be disproportionately skewed towards the SC ‘fair’), the time for that was on the many occasions I’d tried to talk to him and involve him over the past few weeks.

This stuff is annoying in nuclear families. But the added layers of complexity and nonsense in stepfamilies often make any ‘celebration’ something to be dreaded.

Kids can surprise you. I remember worrying a lot on a few occasions when my daughter was young, when we did something different for Easter or what not. I thought she might feel sad about the traditions not being there, but in reality she enjoyed having a different experience as a change. So, both your kids and the step kids might not mind a different approach this year, you never know!

But it is still sad for you, if you prefer certain things to be done a certain way. Hopefully you can think of ways to mix the traditions so it feels “right” for everyone, and everyone gets some of what they treasure as well as something fresh.

Chill, OP. You have four months to figure it out.

You've always had the DSC over for Christmas lunch before. You'd have said if that was an issue so it's a good sign you can manage ok having them for lunch and that night.

You're making this all about the presents, that seems to be what Christmas represents to you, not the Christmas lunch. Is that the message about Christmas want to give your kids?

Your partner has said you may have to do different presenting opening times per different group of kids. That's a compromise. Discuss it and try not to be precious. Your youngest DC may love spending Christmas morning with their half-siblings. That's a gift.

Your partner has said you may have to do different presenting opening times per different group of kids. That's a compromise. it is an utterly ridiculous compromise. A better one would be they all have a couple of presents in the morning and some more a bit later.

It may be utterly ridiculous to you, but it's still a compromise. The partner isn't saying the present opening has to be done his kids' way. It's a starting point for discussion.

I mean his older kids' way, as he has a kid with the OP.

Depending on ages, the older kids opening their presents in their rooms and the younger ones opening them later in front of everyone might work out anyway. The OP hasn't said the ages.

Def don't split the present opening - my DCS were made to open theirs quietly in their bedroom at DFs, then when SMs DCS came from their Dads at lunchtime, they had to sit there and watch them opening all theirs and their grandparents coming round with even more.
Food was what they wanted which was not traditional in anyway.
Very sad DCS

We sat with DCs and asked how they wanted to play it and incorporate both sides. They loved the new sack at the end of the bed routine and mine love the smallest first or biggest first which they played. You could not pick your own presents from under the tree, someone had to give you one - a tradition which I learned and really liked.

Crackers are done at breakfast, pigs in blankets are v different, I tried egg nog ( something I could ahve avoided all my life but hey ho1

We had this last year and we tried a slightly different way to what each DC were used to so that neither were having to follow the traditions of the other. It did actually work quite well. It does make it feel a bit different but it was worth it for the happiness my DH experienced as he so rarely has all his DC together on Christmas morning and it helped that he also showed appreciation for the effort I put into it

I agree. The present opening can't be split. That would be cruel and awkward.

Yes this is the best approach I think. Embrace that it is a different christmas and celebrate the difference.

You are both going to have to sit down and work out a compromise- neither you or your husband should get to have it exactly as you want it, because there are 4 kids to consider here. How old are the SC? Can you discuss any of your traditions in advance, if they are much older and involve them? You're not going to- or shouldn't get to have it exactly how you want, but also neither should he. You're both (sounding as if) wanting it to be your way and your traditions only and blended means compromise to make shared traditions.

Mix it up altogether? You could always do a German-style Christmas with presents after sundown on Christmas eve, which is also when the tree is lit for the first time. Quite magical especially for younger kids.

He’s being pathetic. What ages are the kids? How bothered has he previously been about maintaining your eldest’s (his SDC’s) Christmas traditions during your family christmasses?