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Step-parenting

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Original poster

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23 replies

marsdon · 13/08/2022 06:07

We are not married but me and my partner live together.

Partner has 2 DC late teens from a pervious married
Me one son was a single parent son is slightly older than my DPC in his early 30s had him young

We have moved in together and DP wants to make a picture out of of something that depicts birth years so he said he is going to do my birth year and his birth year and his 2DC birth years.

It annoyed me first off as he didn't include my DS birth year but I let it be at the time.
These things 2 of them our birth years that make up the picture have come through the post and I said to him I've something to ask him can we add my DS birth year into this picture his answer was it will spoil picture and make it look unequal I said we could put one in the middle off this made up picture and it's not leaving anyone out then

I said if my DS came round and we explained about the picture he would think why did we leave him out which to me would look like it !

Plus by putting my birth year in with his 2 DC makes me feel like I'm a replacement to there Mum I just think it looks odd he is saying I'm overreacting and nobody will think anything
Which I disagree I have now said don't put my birth year in if your not going to include my DS
This with me now leaves me with a bad feeling !

My DP is always going on about us being a unit us 2 !
My DS is hardly included in things being he is that much older he has his own life !

When it comes to my DPC who don't live with us btw much is made out of them all the time! There was a messy divorce and bad feeling from there Dm his EXW so I don't know if he is always playing the guilty farther as he left but his DC were not baby's but teens !
It's been around 4yrs now and they don't have the best attitude with regards there DF most thing have to involve them my DP parents are the same with them as well it can drive me nuts but I try and just ignore it.

But this small thing has really got to me and he does not see he is being unfair in anyway !

If you got this far well done.

Be interesting to gauge opinions on this

OP posts:
srey · 13/08/2022 06:10

Either he does the picture just him and his DC or you're all in it or there is no picture.

That would be the choices he would get in this house.

I wouldn't let my child be left out.

And if he didn't like it, couldn't see how unfair it was and/or it was part of a bigger picture, I would end it.

autienotnaughty · 13/08/2022 06:16

I agree with you, I'd say he either does it for him and his kids only or he does it for all of you. Otherwise ur son could feel pushed out and it looks like your dsc mum. My mil put a set of family pictures on her wall. There's a pic of me and dh, one of sil and bil , one of my ds , one of my dn and a picture of mil and fil. My two dd from first marriage are not included, they were really upset when they spotted it. They felt like they weren't family.

Yousee · 13/08/2022 06:59

If he's in his 30s and not really involved in this family unit as he has his own life then I can see why your DP would feel funny about shoehorning him in. He wants to do this for the three people most important to him, nothing more and nothing less. If your DS was 16 and at home and this was the attitude then I'd be pissed off too.

girlmom21 · 13/08/2022 07:02

Is it going to be obvious that it's birth years?

sixpencenonethepoorer · 13/08/2022 07:10

It should definitely include your son. Having it 'look odd' or whatever is not a reason. Is it about aesthetics, in which case any picture will do - or is it about family - in which case your son is family too.

Original poster
marsdon · 13/08/2022 07:10

Yes it would be.
And he likes to explain things too about pictures if ppl are visiting.

Also it don't make me feel like I'm considered or part of this so called unit if he leaves my son out !

My son is going through a bad time and he would never ask for help of him either so he don't bother him for anything it's just a small thing I've asked and he just quite grasp the sensitivity around it

DP is saying his DS would not be bothered if we had a photo of me and him and my son ! I think they would be !
It's something I would never do anyway as I'm considerate to his Sons feelings.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 13/08/2022 07:17

In that case I completely agree your DS should be included as he's part of your family!

lunar1 · 13/08/2022 08:00

I'd throw it away! He has two options, he can either make one of all five of you or one just on him and his dc.

SudocremOnEverything · 13/08/2022 08:30

I think it either has to be yours and his birthday years, or everyone’s.

I don’t think he gets to make a public display of the most important people (in his opinion) like this. Even if the OP’s son is in his 30s, it’s still a strong message.

It would feel less like a nice gesture than a territory marking exercise to me.

MeridianB · 13/08/2022 11:37

Your DP is being really disrespectful. When I saw the title of this thread I thought it was going to be about the number photos of DC matching the number of DSC but this is such a deliberate exclusion of your son, and you’re right to make a stand over it.

Have you asked him how he’d feel if you made him a piece of art connected to you, him and your son, but not his?

I agree with others saying it should include everyone or not happen.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 13/08/2022 16:47

autienotnaughty · 13/08/2022 06:16

I agree with you, I'd say he either does it for him and his kids only or he does it for all of you. Otherwise ur son could feel pushed out and it looks like your dsc mum. My mil put a set of family pictures on her wall. There's a pic of me and dh, one of sil and bil , one of my ds , one of my dn and a picture of mil and fil. My two dd from first marriage are not included, they were really upset when they spotted it. They felt like they weren't family.

But they are not her family.
I would never expect my family to have a picture of my step daughter in their house.

Christmasiscominghohoho · 13/08/2022 16:48

Yousee · 13/08/2022 06:59

If he's in his 30s and not really involved in this family unit as he has his own life then I can see why your DP would feel funny about shoehorning him in. He wants to do this for the three people most important to him, nothing more and nothing less. If your DS was 16 and at home and this was the attitude then I'd be pissed off too.

I kind of agree with this.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 13/08/2022 17:20

Yousee · 13/08/2022 06:59

If he's in his 30s and not really involved in this family unit as he has his own life then I can see why your DP would feel funny about shoehorning him in. He wants to do this for the three people most important to him, nothing more and nothing less. If your DS was 16 and at home and this was the attitude then I'd be pissed off too.

And what about the person most important to OP?

Yousee · 13/08/2022 18:22

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair Well, as many a SM has been told on these pages about a huffing DH, if she's that bothered she will sort something out of her own.
SMs are allowed pictures of their own kids, I see no reason why a SD (barely, as the "child" is an adult and not really in their life) should not be allowed the same.

Quitelikeit · 13/08/2022 19:05

Your instinct is telling you this is wrong. It’s there to protect you and your children.

stand your ground so that this man knows how to treat you going forward

also take said picture down

SudocremOnEverything · 13/08/2022 19:52

Yousee · 13/08/2022 18:22

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair Well, as many a SM has been told on these pages about a huffing DH, if she's that bothered she will sort something out of her own.
SMs are allowed pictures of their own kids, I see no reason why a SD (barely, as the "child" is an adult and not really in their life) should not be allowed the same.

I think if this were something that didn’t also include the OP’s year of birth, that might be the case. But, it does. So I’d be unhappy with that. If he wanted a just his and his kids thing… 🤷🏻‍♀️ but if it involves me, I’d want all the kids included or none.

lookluv · 13/08/2022 19:55

All or nothing
Or him and his 2DCS only

He is so out of order

SudocremOnEverything · 13/08/2022 19:56

I’d possibly think differently if it were the years of birth of our children alongside ours. Because that’s about a particular aspect of our relationship. But if it included SC, I’d expect mine to be included. Or just be a him and his kids thing, separate from me.

SudocremOnEverything · 13/08/2022 20:00

I couldn’t imagine deciding to make something to be displayed on the wall that was based around years of birth for me and my children, and then adding in my husband/partner (who isn’t their father) while leaving out his children. It just seems odd. Me and my children. Fine. Me and my partner, even. Him and his children. But if both of us are included, it’s an all or nothing on SC situation.

It’s not really like photos where you can have all kinds up and it’s just ridiculous to go around counting incidences of each individual. This is quite different.

Original poster
marsdon · 13/08/2022 20:47

Thanks so much for the reply's
Great to get others opinions as I was accused of over thinking it and focusing on small things ! And tacking a meaning that was not there !!

I've stood my ground on this and he has now come round after a lot of saying to him it's just not on and very unfair to leave my DS out he tried to muddy the water with regards his age but I was not standing for that either as I said so when your sons turn 30 we take the picture down as they will be to old !

We have now come to agreement that It will just be our birth years on this picture now and the 2 other years will come down to design and what takes our eye and wine year

And just incase you was wondering they were wine labels that he is framing into a picture

OP posts:
EvieJeanBengal · 25/08/2022 12:18

A friend of mine watched as her step aunt gave her mother a locket and said, “Now you can keep both your children close to your heart”. The locket only had pics of the two younger ones. This was said in front of her at age 21. Her mother said nothing and thanked the aunt. She said she just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry as well as disappear. Stand up for your son no matter his age. What your DH did was rude, self entitled, selfish and actually bordering on cruel. He should be ashamed of himself but a lot of these men on here seem to have no shame with some of their behaviour

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 26/08/2022 18:29

@EvieJeanBengal to me that sounds deliberate to needle your friend. I hope she's ok.

Op glad it came to a agreeable conclusion.

MeridianB · 27/08/2022 06:59

I’m glad you got a better result, OP, but I’d still be miffed that he needed this pointing out, then so much persuading, then made it a couples thing instead of simply adding your son. Badly done by your DH. ☹️

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