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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

I've tried but she causes so much drama

19 replies

Clubtropicana10 · 12/08/2022 09:48

I've been with my DP almost 2 years now. Known her DD almost a year. She's 10.

I've tried so much to like her and get on with her but she causes so much drama. Is so manipulative of everyone around her and sometimes isn't kind. She's defiant and doesn't follow rules my DP puts in place for her safety. If.you dare to tell her off for being rude/not listening she cries and says she thinks everyone hates her/doesn't want to be here anymore.

Ultimately I know its a DP problem for not enforcing these rules or really telling her off. I asked why and they say they feel guilty for telling DD off. They let their DD run rings around them. If DD wants something she will be relentless until my DP caves. She will use manipulation to get it and has even told me herself she puts on a sad face to get what she wants.

I've tried so hard to form a bond with her but I just can't. She ruins alot of days out we have by causing dramas and its getting to a point where I don't want to spend time with her for dreading the day getting ruined.

Has anyone else been through the same?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2022 09:51

Is this what you want in your life? Honestly? I can't imagine dealing with this drama and nonsense all the time, which is only going to get worse as the teen years approach. Perhaps this isn't the relationship for you.

AmandaHoldensLips · 12/08/2022 09:57

The dynamic won't change. Best to do your own thing while your DP goes out with his daughter. You don't have to spend time with her if you don't want to. And she'll probably be glad to have her dad to herself.

The thing is, that most dad's would rather not parent on their own, and therefore have quite big (and often unreasonable) expectations of their partners.

OhJanet · 12/08/2022 10:00

Agree with Aqua. Step parenting is only just about manageable for me and my SD is a thoughtful, kind and lovely girl. Can't imagine i'd cope if she wasn't. There's already far too much stress in the step-parenting game.

Original poster

Clubtropicana10 · 12/08/2022 10:02

AmandaHoldensLips · 12/08/2022 09:57

The thing is, that most dad's would rather not parent on their own, and therefore have quite big (and often unreasonable) expectations of their partners.

My partner is female, as am I. So her DD is with her the majority of the time.

OP posts:

weekendninja · 12/08/2022 10:08

This isn't going to improve OP.

I'd cut my losses now.

Original poster

Clubtropicana10 · 12/08/2022 10:23

Thanks everyone. I've been feeling like maybe this isn't the relationship for me recently. Her DD contributes alot to those feelings and the way my DP parents her.

I just didn't know if these were normal feelings with step parenting etc

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/08/2022 12:10

Clubtropicana10 · 12/08/2022 10:23

Thanks everyone. I've been feeling like maybe this isn't the relationship for me recently. Her DD contributes alot to those feelings and the way my DP parents her.

I just didn't know if these were normal feelings with step parenting etc

You know it's not working. The best thing for everyone involved is that you end it as quickly as you can.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 12/08/2022 12:17

It sounds like you do indeed have a DP problem.

If you wanna give it another go, try nacho parenting. Which is hard which means taking a massive step back. Let DP go out with DSC on days out, do low key stuff. Keep consistent on rules and try to find something anything you like about DSC and run with it. It doesn't have to be the typical the "sound of music" fun a small thread can snowball.

Also read stepmonster (on kindle or book version)

Bluub · 12/08/2022 17:43

Clubtropicana10 · 12/08/2022 10:23

Thanks everyone. I've been feeling like maybe this isn't the relationship for me recently. Her DD contributes alot to those feelings and the way my DP parents her.

I just didn't know if these were normal feelings with step parenting etc

It's not working. Sorry

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 12/08/2022 22:25

You should just end the relationship in my opinion. I don’t see how you can have a healthy or happy relationship feeling so frustrated by her/her daughter. I imagine the next couple of years as she gets towards being a teen will get harder too.

Original poster

Clubtropicana10 · 13/08/2022 21:29

We have just spent a day with partner and her DD and her DD was constantly getting into moods, rude, not listening, actively defiant, disrespectful towards her mum.

I think this has cemented in my mind that this isn't going to get better and only worse 😕

OP posts:

Original poster

Clubtropicana10 · 13/08/2022 21:30

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 12/08/2022 12:17

It sounds like you do indeed have a DP problem.

Also read stepmonster (on kindle or book version)

Who is stepmonster written by please?

OP posts:

bluberries · 13/08/2022 21:41

Clubtropicana10 · 13/08/2022 21:30

Who is stepmonster written by please?

Show quote history

Wednesday Martin

RedWingBoots · 13/08/2022 21:45

Clubtropicana10 · 13/08/2022 21:29

We have just spent a day with partner and her DD and her DD was constantly getting into moods, rude, not listening, actively defiant, disrespectful towards her mum.

I think this has cemented in my mind that this isn't going to get better and only worse 😕

10 year old girls can be going through puberty or right on the cusp of it, leading to poor behaviour.

As you haven't know the child at a younger age to confirm whether it is hormones and can only see your DP's poor parenting style then it's time for you to move on.

Original poster

Clubtropicana10 · 13/08/2022 22:09

RedWingBoots · 13/08/2022 21:45

10 year old girls can be going through puberty or right on the cusp of it, leading to poor behaviour.

As you haven't know the child at a younger age to confirm whether it is hormones and can only see your DP's poor parenting style then it's time for you to move on.

Show quote history

Hmmm the mood swings are hormones and I think linked to sugar. Her moods are all over the place when she's had any sugar.

Apparently my DP has always said she's been defiant and never wanted to follow rules. Took her to clubs but didn't want to carry on as Didn't want to listen to instructors and do her own thing. Also she has always wanted to be centre of attention and will be as loud as possible to gain attention.

OP posts:

RedWingBoots · 13/08/2022 23:19

Regardless what causes the mood swings and poor behaviour, your DP hasn't either sought help or if she has she hasn't followed through with the advice on how to deal with her child's behaviour well before the child hits puberty.

Either way it isn't your problem as you aren't the child's parent.

I would split from your partner. Then if your next partner has child(ren) first check they parent then how you agree with by just talking, and then you see them follow through with it before you decide it is actually the long term relationship for you. (Try not leave it a year before you meet the child.) It should then be easier for you to form a bond as both you and the child(ren) know what the boundaries of your behaviour to one another should be.

EvieJeanBengal · 14/08/2022 04:48

This is a DH problem full stop. He is raising a brat. Just what the world doesn’t need more of. It’s his job to parent her into a decent adult human being not be her friend. I think that’s a line some parents don’t see. They want to be friends with their kids and the outcome of that is a self entitled, demanding adult. World has enough of them too.

2u2me2me2u · 14/08/2022 08:04

Your comment

shows this is definitely a DP issue, she’s no control over her daughter, who basically rules the roost here, sorry, but it’s not going to change unless your DP changes.

Have you pointed the issues out to her? And told her her daughter’s behavior is ruining things between you?

If she values your relationship then she needs to listen and start to bring her bad behavior in line.

NorthernSpirit · 15/08/2022 18:54

The situation won’t change unless your partner steps up and parents.

I met my DSD when she was 7 and have been in her life for 9 years.

Shes rude, unpleasant and her behaviour hasn’t changed in those 9 years (it’s driven by her toxic mother dripping poison in her ear).

Look up the nacho method of parenting. Not your child, not your problem.

I dreaded weekends when she stayed and holidays were miserable with her. I took a massive step back (I don’t engage or do anything with her) and it’s been a game changer.

Good luck.

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