Struggling to be around teen DSS

[Teentroubless]

And Dh is noticing and asking.

My step son has gone from being a lovely kid to being a horror what feels like overnight. He's 13 and I'm really struggling to like being around him.

He moans at everything, pulls his face at everything, I'm just sick of the whinging, of things like cooking food to be met with a face like a slapped arse, of the sulking and even tears sometimes whenever he doesn't get his own way.

And it's hard because Dh is always encouraging him to be with us so he'll often just sit in the living room with us in an evening or something on his phone sucking the mood out.

I've started making more and more plans when he's due to be here so I don't have to be around him as much and Dh has been questioning why. Do I tell him I'm feeling like this or not?!

There are obviously moments in between where he isn't like this but in general now I'm just sick of him.

I KNOW it's teens. I get that. I know it's not his fault.

I'm struggling working out how you're supposed to deal with the teen years when you don't have that parental love. Things bug me a lot more than I assume they do his parents because I don't have that love there masking everything.

Most of the teenage boys I know (I have a 14yods, but all his friends too...) are happy with a ready supply of food and to be left to play Pokemon or whatever game is favourite that week.

Your DH could balance this with some sporty boy time together - cycling, or whatever - and you wouldn't have to do much. Just stock up on frozen pizza and let them get on with it.

It is just teens. They are often horrible for their parents to be around. You just have to put your head down at get on with it until they come out the other side. He will come out the other side eventually and go back to being that lovely person you knew, you just have to be careful that your feelings don’t destroy your marriage meantime.

Teenagers are hard-wired to be totally selfish and to think that all adults are arseholes.

He's not your child, so go ahead and organise whatever you want to do. You are not "duty bound" to spend time with him. Let his parents do the parenting. Your DH might moan about it but not your problem.

I don’t think he should be forced to sit with you, no wonder he is miserable. Dh should he taking him out and doing things together not just sat there blankly on the phone.
I would discuss it with dh, and explain you feel dss is not enjoying time with you, and make a plan. You have years left so you need to approach this together. The point of dss visits Is to spend time with his father, not to see you. Dh needs to step up and start putting some effort in. You can join for days out or meal times but beyond that I think it’s okay to organise time away from home.

Don’t let dh make this your joint problem, it is up
to him to spend time with dss. Beyond being kind and polite you don’t need to do anything else

Yes I think you should be honest with your DH. It's not good if he's so blinkered he can't see that objectively it's not strange that you would be struggling.

Teenagers really can be total arseholes and hard to be around. It's only because dc is mine and I love them that I've been able to tolerate their shit. I don't think I'd have it in me to cope with their past behaviour if they weren't mine!
I think you should be honest with your dh, in a kind way though, as in, I find the teenage years hard to deal with and not I find your teenager hard to deal with. Best to be honest now as it could go on for a while!

I have teen DC and they can be hard work. I am dreading my SC hitting teens in the next few years as I know I will struggle through it. Teens, as great as they are, can be so hard to deal with and without that parental bond - well I think it's even harder. It IS normal teenage behaviour in my experience but that doesn't make it better for you.

Speak to your DH. If my SC are here and my DC aren't, I quite often make my own plans and DH has come to realise why, it makes it better for everyone. They get 1:1 time with their dad, I get to have lower blood pressure for a few hours.

I definitely think it's easier to manage with the love you have for them masking things. One of mine is difficult and will shout at us. We use the strategy of ignoring the words and tone and imagining that they are saying kinds things. E.g. she shouts, 'No, go away' which we interpret as 'Thanks for making tea, I'll be down in a minute.' She'll then come down, eat and becomes more pleasant. It's just not worth a constant battle.
I'm with pp though. Mine are very sociable children but still spend a lot of time in their rooms. I know I valued that alone time when I was a teenager and although I grudgingly attended family days out/meals it was balanced with plenty of time out. Perhaps that would help DSS?
An honest discussion with DH and asking DH to spend time one on one seems in order.
Hope you find a way through.

I don’t think he should be forced to sit with you, no wonder he is miserable. Dh should he taking him out and doing things together not just sat there blankly on the phone

I couldn't agree more with you.
You saved me typing the exact same thing.

Go out as much as you like, you don't have to stay in specifically to spend time with a child who isn't yours.

I've got two teenagers, they are pains in the arses.

Yup

Am in the same boat with a teen SS..... It's amazing the amount of gym classes I have while he's here. At this rate I'll be super skinny by Christmas 😬

I've started making more and more plans when he's due to be here so I don't have to be around him as much and Dh has been questioning why. Do I tell him I'm feeling like this or not?!

”I’m going to x y z I’m x and you two can have some time together”. That’s all you need to say.

If he says “oh but we’d like you here” just tell him DSS seems in need of quality dad time. If he really bangs on say DSS has been quite grumpy recently and it’s very very important they have time to chat etc.