Considering moving in my partner, bit nervous.

[Augustlou30]

Im sorry this is going to be long! I'm just looking for some reassurance or advice at how to smoothly do this. I've read these pages for ever and it does seem blending a household is difficult, I know this from having a step dad too.

My children are 12 and 9, they live 50/50 between myself and my ex and his partner. I'd say 99% of the time it's all very amicable. They've recently bought a house together but moved in together during lock down and it seemed to go very smoothly. We've been separated 7 years and I've been with my partner for 6 years. He's the same age as me he had his kids young and now they are both in their 20s which suits me as I never really wanted to be with a man with young kids (I take my hat of to my ex's partner who is great with my kids).

Now I bought us a house a few years ago, and I'm fiercely financially independent and also protective over my children's space (having had to live with a very strict step father who didn't like me and my sister very much). My partner would not have to be a parent, they have two parents. He's a very chilled out man my partner and my kids mostly like and get on with him, he's very good with them. My bad is that I kept them seperate for a long time and still do to an extent, I just find it easier. Both my children are quite clingy towards me and my son doesn't seem to like me being with 'another man' sometimes. My DS 12 has global development delay and acts alot younger than he is which I think my partner struggles to understand. We live quite an unstructured life where my kids probably rule the roost a little, I'm a bit soft. My ex is much stricter and more intense (I remember) so I think they relax when they come to me and cause it's just us, that's fine. If my partner moved in things would have to change a bit for another adult being in the house. I'm terrified of there being any conflict!!
My motivations are for us moving in together now is that we hardly see each other, due to shift patterns, distance etc once or twice per week and the odd holiday just doesn't cut it anymore. My mental health isn't great in the winter living on my own and also financially things are getting tougher. I just about manage on my own but we'd have a much better life together and the kids would see me more as if not have to work overtime.

My kids didn't bat an eyelid when my ex moved his partner in (although she has told me there's been a few 'your not my mum' moments) so why do I worry about it so much?

I'm so sorry that was so long!!

I think you're right to 'worry' about; I'm not saying you have cause to but that it's completely appropriate that you consider all the possibilities and what could go wrong, or at least what may be difficult.

You are not going to be able to change your son having a global developmental delay, and if your partner already struggles to understand your son's issues then personally I would hold off living together a bit longer, but have him to stay more.

Get your partner to start staying over longer in your home to see if it is working considering both your sons difficulties.

If it isn't working he can go back to being around them less often.

Oh and in terms of you living rather 'an unstructured life', I'd ask yourself whether that suits (a) your children and (b) you in that order. I have DC with SN and not having firm structure always does benefit us all. With children with SN you often have to effectively lower your standards, in fact it's often what professionals advise.

So if this works for you, don't feel bad, but no don't have your DP move in. Your DS is 12 and will be going through, or about to go through, puberty. Things may get rougher on that score and you may have a few difficult years to ride out.

As I said, Increase the amount he stays with you, and if it's working then keep increasing it more.

I'm not sure that wanting to improve your mental health is a good reason to create a blended family! Most people on here seem to struggle with MH because they moved everyone in together...

The financial one can be a bit of a fallacy too. If it ends with each of you in therapy every week, you won't be saving money.

I would guess that things have worked out for your ex because he's a bit of a disciplinarian, and has delegated authority as well as care responsibilities to his partner. If you want things to go smoothly for you, you may need to tighten up the adherence to standards a bit, or risk the children riding roughshod over a hamstrung partner.

I suggest a long convo about what each of you considers your own personal rules - noise, tidiness, space, bedtimes, who does household tasks, togetherness and private time, children in your bedroom or lingering in the bedroom doorway not wanting to sleep.... How much is reasonable to spend on toys and treats etc. Whether you intend to run the family as a roundtable democracy, or whether Mum and partner make decisions taking into account needs....

Could your partner move closer? You could see each other more without him moving in. I think the older the children are, the more difficult it is to ‘blend’ the family.
Its as much your children’s home as yours. It’s their safe space. If they do play up, it’s because they can - they feel secure with you. Imagine how you’d feel if someone moved into your home without you having control over it. I’m not saying they don’t like your partner, but living with someone is a big big difference to seeing them occasionally.
I’m also not saying you can’t have a relationship or a life - but think about how to get that and minimise the impact on the kids.
I wouldn’t move a partner in personally, but only you know whether it’s worth it for you.

My motivations are for us moving in together now is that we hardly see each other, due to shift patterns, distance etc once or twice per week and the odd holiday just doesn't cut it anymore. My mental health isn't great in the winter living on my own and also financially things are getting tougher. I just about manage on my own but we'd have a much better life together and the kids would see me more as if not have to work overtime.

I'm not sure these are the best reasons to live together tbh.

You should be able to be the best mum you van be without a man to subsidise your lifestyle and deal with your mental health challenges.

I mean, that wouldn't be an attractive prospect for me if I was him at all

I can only speak for my experience with DSD but routine is very much a benefit for her. A unstructured life would cause her a massive amounts of stress/anxiety.

That said moving in together probably won't do your MH any good if your different in parenting.

My motivations are for us moving in together now is that we hardly see each other, due to shift patterns, distance etc once or twice per week and the odd holiday just doesn't cut it anymore. My mental health isn't great in the winter living on my own and also financially things are getting tougher. I just about manage on my own but we'd have a much better life together and the kids would see me more as if not have to work overtime.

Distance/not seeing each other enough is a good reason to consider living together combined with other good reasons, your mental health and financial situation aren’t good reasons, they are things that only you can fix/change, especially your mental health.

Moving someone in is a huge step, and I say this as someone who has done it, I would never have done it for financial reasons or because of my health. I really wanted us to live together, but my main priority was would it work for my son, would it work for me, would it work for my partner, how would we work out parenting if we had a child together, how would we work out finances so he wasn’t paying for my son, how would he cope living with a child etc.

I knew posting here would put a mirror up to the situation and many of you have pulled out the reasons why I have held back for all this time.
I actually thought just wanting to be with my partner as I love him, we are good together, we support one another and I very much want to be with him more wouldn't be a big enough reason so I did throw in the financial and mental health stuff. My mental health is fine now, but that winter over lockdown hit me hard but i've had some brilliant therapy and know my warning signs now. We are both quite front line health professionals and generally support each other through it. Financially I'm fine too, I'm comfortable day to day we have everything we need but compared to the very middle class area we live and compared to my ex and his partner I'm def the poor one 🤣. It's more camping with us than all inclusive holidays for example. But yes these are MY issues to be at peace with. Of course having two wages would make things easier, would take a bit of pressure off me and I could probably work a bit less and be around for my kids a bit more than I am currently. But this I know is a bonus, the kids care nothing for this (well apart from the getting to see me more part) and I can and do provide for them (with no maintenance as it's 50/50) , it would just make life a little easier and less stressful for me. But again not a valid reason.
Of course over the last six years we've spent time together as a 'family'. We've done holidays, he drops them off at school, picks them up stays the weekends when he's not on shift, but never more than I few days as he's got a cat (so have I which is a seperate issue).
Ultimately what holds me back is absolutely the different ways we parent. We very very similar temperaments and actually have the same goal but go about it in different ways. I overthink everything about my kids and he's much more relaxed where he would be stricter with bedtimes, mealtimes, finishing your plate, playing with toys and making a noise in bedrooms and giving adults space type stuff.

My gut tells me there would be conflict and I would end up stressed trying to make sure everyone is happy. Like I said it's very chilled at mine, because it's just me they do spend more time in the lounge, playing making mess and noise (which I don't mind as it's just me and I just move if they're annoying me, as long as all mess is tidy and end of day I'm ok with it). I wouldn't expect my partner to have to put up with this and he does spend time with us and mostly it doesn't annoy him but he does like things a bit more structured. Yes I'm prob the Disney parent but with boundaries. I know the same things aren't important to us. His parenting is not the way I would do things and when we first got together his son was just 14 and lived with him full time and I'd never have been able to cope with the way they lived. So I do get it and how it's important for him to feel it's his home too, to feel respected etc there will certainly be no more children. My oldest may even have to live with us or his dad for a long time as I've no idea if he could ever live independently, so it's not like I can wait till they've grown up and left home.
I don't know, I just want my partner by my side more but perhaps I've left it too late and been too cautious!??

Oh my goodness I'm sorry that's long. To explain I've been stuck in with covid and my own thoughts for nearly 2 weeks now between the kids and myself!!!

For me it comes down to: if you're happy with how your household is currently running and think that it suits your kids, then I wouldn't move in someone who may struggle with this.

I got that by 'rather unstructured life' you didn't mean there's no routine or no boundaries. Just that you're more easygoing and perhaps 'forgiving'. Which is fine. Provided this is what works best for you and your kids.

I think you would need to live somewhere where your partner can have their own office/sitting room where they can escape the ordered chaos - and not need to give you a hard time about it. Part of my prep for us all moving in together was building work to give the DSC their own area and bathroom. Forgot to do the same for DH! Ooops.

#DuchessDarty and you had a point about the 12 yr old and puberty. I'm no idea how that works with a child with GDD as he's more like an 8 yr old!! I have a great relationship with both my kids just now, they're great kids and happy with our life. Both have said they'd be happy with my OH moving in but they may just be trying to make me happy. Either way this is just something that we are considering. My oh would move in a heartbeat to be together. He did try and move in 2 years ago but I chickened out as I was scared of losing my financial independence but I'm in a better position now. Rubbish how a bad marriage can damage you do much!!

They may just be trying to make you happy or they may, at 9 years old and 12 years old with a GDD, just not be able to imagine what the reality would be like.

How about having a two-week trial?

Why don’t you and your partner have a proper meeting to flush out what rules you both expect eg you discipline and only you etc or whatever he expects and what is role is and expectations and boundaries,
they do the same with your kids and you

then meet together and discuss common ground and you decide on the rules you as mum and Head of the house are going to have and how you are going to manage disagreements etc

then have a 6 month trial and then review

you and your partner can meet every other week to raise any issues calmly without the kids being present

You’ve seen how he was with his son and say his parenting style is completely different. Who made their child finish their plate 6 years ago?! That’s one small but very indicative example.

If you made changes to how your children can be based on him moving in they’d know it was coming from him and may be less relaxed about it or grow to resent him, and you for doing it for him. If you didn’t he might find your approach much less tolerable 24/7 rather than for a couple of days at a time. Shared contact means it’s obviously not 24/7 literally but he’d have nowhere else to go if he wanted to.

I don’t know. It’s a really tricky age for blending and there seem to be clear differences in your attitudes and approaches that may just be incompatible full time.

Have you discussed money? Does he know you’d like to work less and be home more and that he’d be subsiding it? If so is he supportive of the idea?

As his are grown up is he really ready to get back in the trenches with much younger children and all that entails?

I've been in your DP's shoes in that I moved in with a partner who had pre teen DC and was quite a 'liberal' parent.

We definitely did not talk enough about the implications and I agree with PP who said have a proper, honest sit down meeting. For example - I did not anticipate that DSC would be taking and using my belongings without asking, walking into our bedroom when I was getting changed, waking us up before 7am daily, and putting items of my furniture in doorways to clamber on. DP was very defensive when I would raise any of this as he expected him and DSC to continue living exactly as before, and me to just bend to fit.

The fact you acknowledge some adjustments would be needed is already a plus, but if that would mean making life worse for your DC - and your partner also having to compromise on a comfortable life by his standards, let's be honest - who really benefits from the move? I'd advocate living a short walk/drive from each other instead, if you can.

I was really missing him this weekend. Not seen each other in over 2 weeks due to us all having COVID and too much time to think.

I've stood firm until now that how we live is the best for everyone, me him and the kids. I definitely do want us to be together in the future but I think in a few years more. I think all the fear mongering over how hard it's all going to be financially the coming years spooked me a bit and no I wouldn't be relying on him financially. I'd simply just be able to work my hours rather than doing overtime. I have the kids 50% but often feel that they are with my mum 25% of that due to my working.

Anyway it was just a consideration but my gut does tell me now isn't the time,we just need to work harder at seeing each other more. I know if it was me I'd not want to move in with him and his kids as much as I want to be with him. I just think everyone else seems to do it, but I know it's def not plain sailing. We'll just continue having the best of both worlds for a few more years.

Thanks everyone x

@SandyY2K

I agree with this you need to be moving in with someone because you want to not because you need too

We don't need to, I did mean it would be a bit easier and just nicer to have another supportive adult around. I worked very hard to retrain as a nurse when I left my husband and now have a great job, my own pension and with good future prospects.
Like I said above I think after 2 weeks of isolating with COVID I was missing my partner and had too much time to think. Today I feel better, the end is in sight and I'm back being my independent self. We've just got a bit caught up in our own lives and schedules and not making enough time for each other. Making more effort will sort that, not moving in together I know that 😜

Invite him to stay for 2weeks to see what your household is like (when it’s just you and when it’s your + your kids) then do 2 weeks back to what you’re doing now, then have a sit down discussion about what configuration might work for you long term. - Maybe your partner keeps his place and you stay together full time when your ex has the kids.