DSS (12) apparently kicked and hit DS (9)

[Tinfoilmushroom]

Not sure how to proceed.

All staying at my mums. DM just came and told me that my nephew told her he saw DSS hit and kick DS hard. DM asked DS if it was true and DS said yes but he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to be a snitch. But he asked my DM to tell me so I can deal with it.

How shall I deal with this in the best way? Never really had to do this before. I am so crap at stuff like this. I don't know whether to involve DH, who is always supportive of me, or just speak to DSS myself. I don't want to go in all guns blazing can you help me with what to say and how to say it?? I know how I'd do it with ds but iys somehow different when its your dss iyswim

I think if you can I'd have a chat with DH first so that you can come up with a plan of how to handle it and be united on that. In terms of what to say though, I'd go in gentle but firm, explaining that you'd heard what had happened and would like to understand what went on, so you can figure out how to stop this happening again. Obviously it's completely unacceptable for him to have hurt your DS, but I think going into it curious to hear his side rather than angry is likely to make him less defensive and more likely to give some clarity on the situation. You can decide on a consequence to give him with your DH (you don't have to decide that in the moment), but I think it's always good to sound out what happened so everyone can learn from it too. Sorry you and your DS are having to deal with this, it sounds really tricky

Thanks so much your message has calmed me down. I agree being curious rather than angry is the best approach

I spoke to ds and nephew, they didn't know where dm got the kicking bit from, that it was a punch only. That dss dated ds to do something and when ds said no...he punched him hard in the arm. Without okaying the dare consequence beforehand iyswim

Ds asked me to speak to dss without involving dh in this instance but if he ever does it again we can ask dh to get involved.

This is all quite close to the bone. I was mercilessly bullied by my older sibling and my mum never stood up for me, she used to say..."that's what siblings do...me and my sibling fought like cat and dog" so it's a bit raw and I don't know how to feel or if I'm over reacting etc

Are you at your mum’s too if is it just the kids there?

I’m sorry this touches a nerve due to your past experiences. That’s great you’re aware of it and keen to ensure you don’t over-react.

This is how I would handle it if I was you, doesn’t mean of course it’s the only way or the right way. I would sit both boys down together, tell them you heard this and ask them what happened, making them take turns and listening at first without judgment. I’d say I can speak to them together or individually. I would ensure that your DSS apologised to your DS, but I’d make sure I’d heard DSS’s side first.

I would certainly mention it to DH, that doesn’t mean involving him. It means keeping him in the loop. And I’d make that clear to DS. ie you deal with it as DH isn’t there and then tell him later and that you sorted it. I think it’s important for your DS to know (a) that you don’t keep things from your DH, (b) that it isn’t you and him versus DH and DSS in any way but that you’re a unit that solves problems together, and most importantly (c) that he shouldn’t hide being hurt to save someone’s feelings.

The more “open” and calm you are about discussing it and hearing everyone’s side, the more likelihood there is it’ll be a rare occurrence.

Really helpful. You make some excellent points. Thank you.

Yes we were all at dms house. Dh has come to pick us up to go home but ds begged me to let him stay at my mums another night, with nephew. It's dss birthday tomorrow and so I was conflicted about letting him stay but I gave in and left him behind. He said he wanted a break from dss as well as just wanting to be with nephew.

I mentioned to dh the joys had a bit of a to do, and we will discuss it later. Really good point about not making it about "us versus them"

How often do you see DSS, does he live with you full time? It really sounds like your DS could do with time and perhaps relationships with your family without him, it sounds like he's having to put up with him a lot and is already internalising not making a fuss. It doesn't sit right with me that because he's your DSS you are hesitant to deal with it and advocate for your son. I think if that's the parenting dynamic, it's not really fair on your DS to be struggling for space from DSS.

I think you're right to be concerned about history repeating itself.

You’re welcome OP.

Do speak to DSS and see what he says.

There isn’t that much of an age gap between them, it’s not uncommon for boys of that age to thump each other - does not mean he’s right though. However it’s really important to get both sides and find out from DSS what led up to it. Maybe he felt left out or ganged up in by DS and your nephew? Maybe he will admit he was just feeling angry and did something mean and he recognised that was wrong. What is important is that he apologised to your DSS when the hate next together if he hasn’t already.

Surely you just tell dss off when his df isn't there?

When one of my children was being hurt I was never "curious". You stepson deserves punishment and you should talk to your husband about it.

There isn’t that much of an age gap between them

It's not their ages that matter, but their relative sizes, surely? Big hefty 12 yo vs small skinny 9 yo, or vice versa?

Even if they were the same age, it's not on for a much bigger boy to be thumping a smaller one (if that's what happened). 'Pick on someone your own size' was the saying when I was young.

@LouisRenault I meant there ages are relevant in that it’s not uncommon for boys 3 years apart who hang out to punch each other like that. I don’t know whether the boys here are half-brothers or step-brothers, (I’m guessing the latter) but it’s certainly common if undesirable behaviour amongst boys of this age difference who live in the same house.

Doesn’t mean I think it’s right, and as you say, there could be a substantial size difference. Or stength difference. But it doesn’t automatically mean it’s bullying either.

There will be a reason it happened I would ask both the children calmly.

I would approach it as "DsS your usually kind and we haven't ever had to worry about you hurting DS what happened" and stop talking (obviously only say this if it's true)

Then speak to DS and find out why he was worried on "snitching" on his DsS. All children have a right to feel safe and reach out to a adult and ask for help and that's something I would nip in the bud asap . Does he feel he won't be believed ?

If my Dd hurt my DSD I would reprimand her and via versa.

There's no excuse to hurt each other, but there will be a reason. Worth tackling before it gets worse.

Thanks all

There is a difference in size. Dss is massive and ds is small. They rough play sometimes and usually get on very well, when they rough play I inusually interject (I don't like rough play amd wtahx them like a hawk) and get told by both of them that they are enjoying it and I'm being a party proper.

I asked ds if dss was a bully or if he felt bullied by him and he said no. Nephew also didn't think dss is a bully. I maybe think ds and nephew left dss out today.

Ds' father has drummed it into him about snitching. Long story, different thread.

Dss is usually a gentle giant type, so this is out of character. I've never had to "tell him off" before, not really. We all get on very well usually.

I spoke to dh and he agreed we will speak to dss about the incident and find out his side of the story, but dh agreed it seems from ds story that dss was out of order. I know dh will nip this in the bud if it's a thing.

I absolutely have zero tolerance for violence and / or bullying. Especially when it comes to my ds. I started the thread because I was triggered and wasn't sure if I was making something of nothing. But yeah I have my sons back, always

It sounds like you’re handling it well OP and being very fair.

I bloody hate tough play too but many kids love it, sigh.

Typo: should be “rough play” but “tough play” works too

Sounds like you’re handling it really well, OP.

Agree that DS may need more time away from DSS and perhaps DSS needs more 1:1 time with his Dad?

Thanks both

Dss is spending the day with his dad today. His dad will have a chat and report back to me and we may get the 2 boys together to talk tomorrow.

I spoke to ds. He has begged for another night at my mums and with nephew. Tbf he is always hankering for sleepovers at my mums because she has a big garden with climbing frame and she let's him eat all manner of shit 🤣 he hardly sees his cousin and they get on like a house on fire, so I've let him have another night.