GP acting as if its a tragedy DH and Ex split up

[Ontomatopea]

Please talk some sense into me. I really really want to say something but I can't. We have my inlaws staying and already they've made comments to the DSC asking what their mum is up to, how she is. They haven't asked me a single question all day. They have said "oh it's a shame we don't get to see you much" and every time they contact us to try and visit it's oh it's a shame you have to negotiate with ex wife about dates. Everything is just a shame. So negative. Never oh how lovely to see you. And then my toddler DC is just treated like a lemon.

I think it’s ok for them to ask the children how their mother is.

do you feel as though they don’t like you? What’s wrong with them saying it’s a shame we don’t see you much? Surely that’s a nice thing?

I understand what you mean. My MIL always used to go on about how much she liked the ex. Like all the time. We lived about A 5min drive from IL and not once did she pop over to see my D.C. but they’d do a 80min round trip to fetch the oldest GC because they were bored. Several times a week this would be.

I agree with PP that it’s ok for them to ask your DSC how their mother is.

In terms of them not asking you questions, could you talk about what you and the toddler and your DH and your DSC have been up to?

Could you ask them if they’d like to read your toddler a bedtime story?

Basically a mountain coming to Muhammad approach.

From what you've said here it's more that it's a shame the new family set up means they see less of their GC . That is a shame for them.

Yes it's more like this. Not just how is your mum, more like how's your mum, does she still have this that and the other from the olden days. Does that man still live down the road etc. Just reminiscing about the good old days. And no it's not nice for DH to have the fact they are disappointed they don't see them as much as they want bought up every single time they see them (which considering the distance once every 2-3 months is a fair bit).

Well yes but they have to live with it not just go on each and every time about how they want it to be different. It's been 5+ years now

I could do but if they can't be bothered with DC I don't see why I should encourage it.

So your partner's parents are staying and asking the kids about their Mom which you don't like? Do you feel they're trying to make a point about how they like her more? We're her and DP together a long time?

If DP only sees the kids every few weeks or similar it's expected that the GOs will get a fraction of that but if they used to see them regularly I can understand why they're sad. Shouldn't be mentioning it in front of the kids Tho.

Hoe long ago was the split?

Is a potential solution your PIL arranging to see your DSC at the ex wife’s or them arranging with her for the DSC to go and stay with them? If they get on with her then this seems a way for them to see the DSC more.

Has your DH asked them to stop saying it’s a shame?

@SleepingStandingUp Over 5 years, but things were a bit strange before that, bit sort of half out half in.

I can understand why they're sad. Shouldn't be mentioning it in front of the kids Tho. yes I too can understand why they might be like oh I wish we could see you more. But it just drags the whole thing down when they can't be more like YAY we're seeing you!

The ex is fed up of them sending her Christmas cards and has had to ask DH to tell them to stop. So im not sure if they'd be welcome to visit her. Worth a try I guess.

Because you want them to show an in interest and this is one way of prompting (or even forcing) it.

It would be great if people pro-actively behaved how we’d like them to but unfortunately they don’t!

Has your DH asked them to stop saying it’s a shame? yes but they just say oh but it iiis and push him for dates to see us next. This usually happens on about day 1 of their visit which can be 2 or 3 days long.

I see. Yes that makes sense. I might try it. I don't want to be like CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT TO MY CHILD PLEASE. Thank you though. I shall give it a go tomorrow x

Then your DH may have to set boundaries. Eg they can only say it’s a shame once per visit or he’s not organising another one at his house.

Has DH moved further away from his parents since meeting you?

@DuchessDarty Good shout. 👍 they've had their quota for the visit.

No. Bit confusing but they both lived miiiles away, she left to be miiilees away in another direction. He moved to be a bit nearer her but unfortunately miles away due to lack of housing in area. Current location is nearest to his parents since any of the DSC have been born. It's literally the him only having them eow and holidays that restricts how often they see them.

It may not e that they don't like you, perhaps they are just like that. I have noticed that some people, particularly as they get older, just go back to the past when they were more active, or they felt happier with what was going on in their lives at the time.

Examples: MIL criticised our new house a while back which is bigger, better for the DCs and nicer in every way - because "It's such a shame you left your last neighbours they were so lovely I don't know why you moved". She criticised SIL for changing her job recently - it has zero effect on MIL what job SIL does but "How silly changing her job when she could have stayed where she was, such a shame because she has to travel further". I think it harks back to when FIL was alive and she had happier times herself and subconsciously she doesn't want any change. Personally I just ignore it but I don't arrange for her to come round, that's up to DP and he's not a great organiser.

My MIL always asks DSC how their mother is. Privately, MIL has told me on more than one occasion that she is not a fan of their mother but makes a point of always asking as a polite acknowledgment- she does it for DSC’s sake.

But I totally agree there’s a difference between showing polite interest and regularly getting into wistful detail about the past. And I can see how it feels like a pointed exclusion of you, made worse by the ambivalence about your DC.

Is it possible they are paying less attention to DC to maximise attention on DSC - ie overcompensating because of the perceived ‘trauma of a broken home’?

How long are they staying with you? I’d flip every mention of the past to something bright and breezy about DSC or DC now or coming up. And ask your DH to do the same.

It was a bit better today and they've gone back this evening. Lots of oh your mum did this that and the other with you DSC 1, is DC going to do this Ontomato?