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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is this normal 2 years post-split?

22 replies

Lolilpopexx · 28/07/2022 12:40

New poster here...
After some advice as to the current situation with my bf of 18 months and the current set-up with his ex-wife. For context they have been split for just over 2 years, we don't live together as I have 2 DC's and so does he. All between 7-11.
My ex does not have anything to do with his children so unsure as to what the 'norm' would be so to speak. For instance...
They are not yet divorced & no paperwork proceedings have started yet. She has remained in the 'family' home and he currently rents in a room share situation, so currently is unable to have his kids overnight. He still pays the mortgage fully. I don't believe she can afford to live there on her own due to the payments etc and she only has a part time job locally at a gym. This means that he is struggling to afford a place bigger to have his kids overnight as the room share is more than the mortgage I believe. Ex wife seems happy from what I can tell with the arrangement. She does some evening hobbies and on those evenings he will go to the family home and look after the kids, putting them to bed etc, or as he works shifts, he will go there for the morning routine and take them to school. They will ring each other regularly, which I'm sure is good as there's no animosity, but my friends have told me that it's basically like they are still in a relationship just not sharing the same bed, and that there are no boundaries.
I'm not entirely sure where our relationship is going to go...he will come to mine and our kids have met though he won't move in as he doesn't want to upset his kids by being with mine more. I do understand this. He also won't go on any holidays together. If we have plans, but then the ex asks him to go round or the kids are sad they haven't seen him for a few days, he will drop everything and go over there.
I generally have no idea if there is anything wrong in this or if I should run a mile. I really like the guy, and when we are all together it seems great. But I do worry how much he hasn't 'disconnected' from his old life.
Also, he was the one who left the marriage. He said there was no intimacy and they had simply grown apart?

OP posts:
Hahahahahahahah8 · 28/07/2022 12:49

Honestly it's rarely worth the hassle. I'd find yourself someone with less baggage. For your sake and the sake of your kids.

Hahahahahahahah8 · 28/07/2022 12:50

And no I don't think the situation is particularly abnormal after a marriage ending with DC involved. But neither would it be something I was interested in involving myself in.

Lilithslove · 28/07/2022 13:09

I wouldn't settle for a relationship like this.

Instead of focusing on whether or not this is the "norm" I think you should focus on what you want out of a relationship. If you want someone who is free to integrate his life with yours, who will go on holidays with you and doesn't disrespect you by ditching you last minute (barring emergencies of course) then this guy isn't the one for you.

GlitteryGreen · 28/07/2022 13:23

Personally I don't think this is normal 2 years after a split.

It's not sustainable for your DP to continue paying the whole mortgage on the family home when he can't afford an adequate place for himself. Either ex needs to buy him out and take it over (probably impossible) or they need to sell up and both buy places of their own.

However, whatever they do going forward, I'd cut my losses in your shoes. After 18 months together he should be a bit more considerate towards you (not ditching you at the last minute when you have plans) and should also be working on moving forward from his current rut of the houseshare and not even being able to have his children overnight.

It reads like he's pretty happy having you there but also has no desire to rock the boat or move things forward in a way that means he could have a genuine relationship with you (or anyone).

flowergirl2020 · 28/07/2022 13:28

Run a mile.
You could attempt to talk through what he plans to do int the future, as this current arrangement just isn't realistic long term... but he seems happy to love this way and have you make all the sacrifices. I'd leave. He can come to the realisation in his own time, by which point I'd say it's highly likely there will be a major kick off between him and the ex wife as she will want to keep this current arrangement. You'll possibly be blamed... etc etc. in the end, it's never worth it. Find someone who can give you the sort of relationship you want. Good luck - you deserve to find someone who makes you happy and doesn't drop you when it suits xx

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 28/07/2022 13:32

Red flag 🚩 and I'm a step mum.

It's a bit like hearing we are like family at a workplace all manners of disfunction.

Until the family has become two fully fledged entities on their own you will have all sorts of dynamics come into play. And even after it's hard as hell.

No penis is worth with this set up. Please run do not walk.

TokyoTen · 28/07/2022 13:49

Sorry you're going through this situation OP. However, it wouldn't surprise me if he has no intention of being with you - to me from reading your post I was thinking he could still be with her, but have a room as a "shag pad". Sorry but he doesn't seem keen to leave at all, nor does he seem keen to be with you. I think you need to dump and run and find someone with a lot less baggage.

Ontomatopea · 28/07/2022 20:17

He is not ready to date. He is too intermeshed with his ex. He needs to get to grips with the idea that they are two seperate family units now.

Ontomatopea · 28/07/2022 20:18

Until the family has become two fully fledged entities on their own you will have all sorts of dynamics come into play. And even after it's hard as hell. this is a great way of putting it.

Chdjdn · 28/07/2022 20:21

It wouldn’t be a scenario I was happy with as really he can’t move on with his life and I can see why his ex is quite happy with it

Magda72 · 29/07/2022 00:51

I too would run a mile. As @pitchforksandflamethrowers has said families need to learn how to become 2 separate entities after a split & this is absolutely not happening in this scenario.
He may have left the relationship to find 'intimacy' elsewhere but to all intents and purposes they are still very much together & he seems very happy to still operate as a single family unit.
I would run a mile from this as it's a dynamic that won't change as both he & his ex like the way it is.
You deserve a partner who will focus on moving on.
You deserve better.

ImAvingOops · 29/07/2022 01:03

From his wife's pov, he chose to leave so why should she be in any hurry to upset her life (and those of her children) by formalising a divorce with all its potential expenses? He can't not pay the mortgage.
But all that is totally shit for you - he is in no position to be part of your life. He can't even commit to a holiday! Personally I'd look for someone else.

Circleofshells · 29/07/2022 01:31

Sorry @Lolilpopexx but your phrasing is correct- run a mile, they sound like they may reunite- and if they get on that well that could be for the best. Not for you though sadly, you deserve better.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 29/07/2022 01:42

Personally they seem to be both doing the best they can to make things as easy as possible on their kids, they both work together with childcare which I wish my ex put our kids first. I can see why you may have concerns, but from a different perspective, they are both being amicable and the kids are not being torn apart. If you love him just see how it goes.

Christinatheastonishing · 29/07/2022 01:44

It sounds like you are both at a different stage in your break ups/lives in general - you are ready to move the relationship along to the next phase and he isn't. I don't think either of you are in the wrong.

larkstar · 29/07/2022 02:18

This could drag on for a very, very long time couldn't it? They may never split. Those would be my concerns.

MooseBeTimeForSnow · 29/07/2022 02:32

Potentially they were possibly waiting to divorce on the basis of two years separation, rather than unreasonable behaviour. Having said that, now that no fault divorces are a thing, there is no excuse.

caringcarer · 29/07/2022 03:04

I would not settle for this non relationship. He does not to move in with you or even share a holiday with you. He will never put you first. He is not ready for a relationship nor likely for many years. Move on.

Drevere · 29/07/2022 03:04

This is similar to my situation. I live in the family home he sends half his wage as he did while living here to pay mortgage and all the other bills.
I don't really care how he lives or what he can and can't afford. He made the decision to screw someone else. And I intend to keep taking what he's giving to make things with whoever he ends up with, especially if it's the person he ruined our lives for, difficult. Couldn't care less what he does and with who as long as he keeps paying what he promised.

I certainly wouldn't want a relationship with someone in the position he is but someone stupid will.

Lilithslove · 29/07/2022 10:36

@Drevere you know he could go to court and change this at any time don't you? I hope for you and your children's sake you have your own income as a back up.

scarletisjustred · 07/08/2022 02:58

Honestly, you'd have to be fairly silly to put up with this sort of second rate relationship. He's still married! You get no holidays. He lives in a flat share etc.

user3346315 · 07/08/2022 09:52

Doesn't sound great. Sorry OP!
It sounds like they are trying to manage and figure things out and you are his excitement and fun for when he isn't in family mode.

I would save the stress and worry and just bail out now xx

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