Am I evil I don't know what to do

[Becaleah]

So I've been with my partner for 7 years we have just had a baby together. We finally moved in together 2 years ago We never really argued up until the last year. I have my 9yr old daughter from a previous relationship he has a son and a daughter same age as mine. The problem is I find my stepchildren really rude they have zero manners and look at me like I'm a piece of rubbish they stood in, I get yes no answers 9/10 or if they don't feel like answering me they just stare at me like they are looking through me, I can't have a conversation with them my stepson I can understand as he's a teenager they just want to be left alone, but my stepdaughter is really hard work she acts like a different child around her dad and family it's like she reverts back to a baby, if anything happens in the house my daughter gets the blame for it it's only once my child's been punished my step daughter will own upto it. We have spoke with all the children and asked why they ignore me or stare at me and they simply say don't know, this is causing arguments with me and my partner because I find myself not wanting to be around when we have them round. What am I doing wrong or what else can I try. I've taken them on day trips just the 3 of us but nothing I do seems to work.

if anything happens in the house my daughter gets the blame for it it's only once my child's been punished my step daughter will own upto it.

What's happening here? Who is punishing your daughter without even proof she's done anything wrong?

It doesn't sound like you're evil, it sounds like you're being walked all over and as a result so is your DD.

Who's punishing your daughter?

Tbh, and I know this is easier said than done but I'd try and ignore it when they ignore you. Don't bother with day trips. Their dad needs to tell them their time with you both is up to them they can either spend it making everyone miserable or they can at the very least be civil and make it something everyone looks forward to. Basically he needs to be taking charge here and telling his kids off as appropriate and standing up for you and your daughter.

And if you don't want to be there when they are around that seems an entirely rational feeling so I don't know why it is causing arguments? Is he expecting you to sit there and be treated like shit?

Your not evil you are however being walked on.

Download the book stepmonster, believe me when I say it will be a enlightening read, it was for me.

So when she owns up to it does DSD get punished ? If not then your allowing her power over your child to use you as a weapon to hurt your child.

What does your DH say when you discuss this ?

(Also get your hard hat ready because people who have no idea what it's like to step parent will come on here and say some really nasty comments) ignore them.

Well I say punish she's the one who gets told off from my partner or myself but recently we have stopped if she says she hasn't done it I believe her.

Leave for your daughters sake

your partner is not stepping up here ultimately he needed to say to his children manners cost nothing we don't ignore people and treat them badly if he is not prepared to defend you even in a small way and insist on basic manners honesty and truthfulness then it's not going to get any better

You can continue the relationship but from a distance if you like

Oh I will try that book thank you.

Yes when she eventually owns upto it she does get told off if not more for letting my daughter take the blame.

My partner says he's told them he's spoke with the kids and told them it needs to stop and it does stop for a few weeks then we are just back to square one. ( I do believe from what my step sons said is that there mum and her partner argue over my stepdaughter all the time I'm not sure how true this is)

Your SD sounds like an unhappy, and therefore difficult, child. She’s causing issues in both her parents’ relationships (and presumably knows it). The problem is that there is nothing you can do to change that.

What I’d suggest is stepping right back. The SC are there to see your partner, so that’s what should happen. If they’re there, he’s looking after them. He does all the work. He takes them out.

He needs to both help his older children to feel more secure (new baby, new-ish stepfamily) and be an authoritative parent who sets clear boundaries about politeness and lying to get other children into trouble. He needs to be the one that makes the rules clear and enforces them. He shouldn’t be waiting for you to complain about being treated poorly - he needs to be proactive and on top of it. They will follow his lead so long as he’s consistent.

You concentrate on you and your children. You don’t have to be around when they’re there. Go out. Spend time with your children, your friends, your family, etc. Let the SC’s father spend time with them and don’t feel at all guilty about that. They are there to spend time with him, that’s the purpose of contact.

OP has your SS told you lies before? If not believe him about his sister's behaviour.

And please follow the PP advice.

If your partner can't cope without your help then you need to tell him you are not going to look after his children on your own due to how they treat you and your child, so he needs to change his contact arrangements so he is there to look after them properly.

Equally don't leave him to care your 9 year old on his own. As it isn't fair on her.

Setting firm boundaries doesn't mean you don't like someone it just means that people know where they stand. In the case of children it helps them feel secure.