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Original poster

Need advice-Issues with young adult SS

12 replies

Anuta77 · 14/07/2022 05:21

Hello,
I'm not sure how to handle the situation with my adult SS (19.5).

I always made efforts to have a good relationship with him (known him for 8 years). He doesn't have an easy personality, likes to tell people off, including me, but I supported some lack of respect in the name of a good relationship.

Well, I had issues with his mother who always "shared" with her sons ALL her problems. She basically decided to cling to my DP as his "family" and if I dared to communicate to her my dislike about some behaviours, she wouldn't hesitate to yell at me, then pretend to others that she was the victim.

Anyway, I did make an effort to have a good relationship with her as well after our issues, because I knew that her son firmly believed that his mother has to be "included". So for the past 4 years, I didn't have open issues with her.

A few months ago, during a family gathering, something strange happened when she didn't like something I did or said, she made a rude comment, I answered and I basically got kicked out of the house in front of my children and DP by a group of people (right before she was gossiping to them about me while I was 2 meters away). Yep, this has never happened to me in my life...Probably, alcohol was involved and she's menopausing and once told me that she sometimes feels anger mounting inside her super fast, so who knows what the hell happened.

So my SS who apparently was fine with me all these years wrote to me all sorts of things on facebook, enumerating everything he disapprouved of me, all my "failures" (this is how I realised that all this time his mother was talking behind my back as he knew things he couldn't have known otherwise). Apparently, he didn't like me and still doesn't like me ( I never noticed this). That I'm miserable, that I don't know how to have fun, that I'm the only one who doesn't get along with anybody, and what not.

His father talked to him, I'm not sure what he said, but it doesn't look like SS was convinced.

One of the things that SS accused me of was not letting my 4 year old son to talk to people I don't like. Honestly, it happened only once (the rest of the time I was silently supporting how his mother was covering my son's face with kisses) and with a person who has caused issues in my relationship (but SS doesn't know it and he liked that person). Of course, he doesn't see that when his mother "shares" with him and he stops talking to me and writes stupidities to me, he's doing exactly what he accuses me of.

Well, he didn't apologize to me, I sort of tried to seem normal the next time he came, but honestly, I'm not ok with pretending. I have the age to be his mother, I've done nothing to him and even to his mother, it was a not very nice exchange between us (both at fault) and I'm the one who got humiliated, so I think she must have been satisfied.

So now, SS who was coming to our house only about 3-4 times per year, decided to act extra nice with my 14 year old son (his step-brother). Normally, I would be happy that my son has an older step-brother who sincerely likes him, except that SS these past years was way too busy to have a relationship with him. He didn't even bother adding him to Instagram (there he has everyone else in his extended family) or congradulate him directly with his bday, so I feel that it's more to sort of use my son when he comes to our house. He loudly told him that he missed him and wanted a group hug. Usually, he just lays and watches his phone.

I'm torn as to what to do. I don't want to go to the level of my DP's ex and manipulate my children against SS, but at the same time, I don't think his behaviour should just pass without any consequence as he disrespected me, their mother, and he wouldn't tolerate a much smaller thing against his mother. Nor am I ok with him probably using my children to get their love precisely because he knows he disrespected me.
Also my DP doesn't feel good that I'm cold to his son and thinks that I should just let go, so that creates friction.

OP posts:
RedWingBoots · 14/07/2022 07:36

Firstly you have a boundary problem. It is clear you have not set them with your DP and his ex.

Secondly you have a DP problem.

Set boundaries with your DP about what you will put up with from him. Don't include his son in it unless he expects you to parent his son.

Then cease any contact and communication with his ex. You are nothing to each other. In fact unless it is a wedding or a funeral make sure you don't go to any of your DP's family events she is going to. Let your DP take your children but make up excuses why you are not coming and be unreachable during the entire time of the event by him and his family.

Then set boundaries with his son - tell him clearly and politely if he tells you off or criticises you tell him that it is not appropriate to speak to you like that as you are a mature adult. If he continues walk away. Do this every single time. If he goes to his father ask his father would his son talk to his grandmother, his father's mother, like that? If not, it isn't appropriate to talk to you like that.

Once you have done this teach your own children to put boundaries in their own relationships and interactions with people regardless of whether they are family or not. So if someone is nasty to them they immediately should call them out. Also teach them that they need to respect people, particularly women and girls, and that they can't control other people.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 14/07/2022 07:57

I agree with redwings although I imagine that will be a hard thing to swallow as you did all this for the best of intentions. Having boundaries doesn't mean your a bad person, you and DP have allowed the ex and DsS to much power in your relationship and DsS equal power of a adult and now he is flexing the muscles.

I'm willing to bet that setting boundaries is hard for you and you shy away from them for a easy life. Sadly it rarely ends up giving you a easy life usually quite the reverse also you will build up resentment. I would get a councillor and try to explore why you struggle with these points and how you can start. I will also say that DH the ex wife and DSS will not like this. But your a human too and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's.

Also stop talking to the ex she doesn't sound like a nice person. This is about power, and currently she has it. Take your own life back. Good luck op

aSofaNearYou · 14/07/2022 08:44

Wow, I wouldn't have put up with any of this from the start and it just got worse and worse. Very disappointing to get to the last sentence and read that your DP doesn't have your back, either. Honestly, I don't think the relationship is worth keeping due to that. If he does not appreciate the enormous amount of concessions you have already made to accept his son and his ex's ridiculous behaviour and genuinely thinks you are the one with the problem and you should be going further, then he does not deserve you. All three of them sound awful and very much of an ilk.

LoneParent1 · 15/07/2022 20:06

Anuta77 · 14/07/2022 05:21

Hello,
I'm not sure how to handle the situation with my adult SS (19.5).

I always made efforts to have a good relationship with him (known him for 8 years). He doesn't have an easy personality, likes to tell people off, including me, but I supported some lack of respect in the name of a good relationship.

Well, I had issues with his mother who always "shared" with her sons ALL her problems. She basically decided to cling to my DP as his "family" and if I dared to communicate to her my dislike about some behaviours, she wouldn't hesitate to yell at me, then pretend to others that she was the victim.

Anyway, I did make an effort to have a good relationship with her as well after our issues, because I knew that her son firmly believed that his mother has to be "included". So for the past 4 years, I didn't have open issues with her.

A few months ago, during a family gathering, something strange happened when she didn't like something I did or said, she made a rude comment, I answered and I basically got kicked out of the house in front of my children and DP by a group of people (right before she was gossiping to them about me while I was 2 meters away). Yep, this has never happened to me in my life...Probably, alcohol was involved and she's menopausing and once told me that she sometimes feels anger mounting inside her super fast, so who knows what the hell happened.

So my SS who apparently was fine with me all these years wrote to me all sorts of things on facebook, enumerating everything he disapprouved of me, all my "failures" (this is how I realised that all this time his mother was talking behind my back as he knew things he couldn't have known otherwise). Apparently, he didn't like me and still doesn't like me ( I never noticed this). That I'm miserable, that I don't know how to have fun, that I'm the only one who doesn't get along with anybody, and what not.

His father talked to him, I'm not sure what he said, but it doesn't look like SS was convinced.

One of the things that SS accused me of was not letting my 4 year old son to talk to people I don't like. Honestly, it happened only once (the rest of the time I was silently supporting how his mother was covering my son's face with kisses) and with a person who has caused issues in my relationship (but SS doesn't know it and he liked that person). Of course, he doesn't see that when his mother "shares" with him and he stops talking to me and writes stupidities to me, he's doing exactly what he accuses me of.

Well, he didn't apologize to me, I sort of tried to seem normal the next time he came, but honestly, I'm not ok with pretending. I have the age to be his mother, I've done nothing to him and even to his mother, it was a not very nice exchange between us (both at fault) and I'm the one who got humiliated, so I think she must have been satisfied.

So now, SS who was coming to our house only about 3-4 times per year, decided to act extra nice with my 14 year old son (his step-brother). Normally, I would be happy that my son has an older step-brother who sincerely likes him, except that SS these past years was way too busy to have a relationship with him. He didn't even bother adding him to Instagram (there he has everyone else in his extended family) or congradulate him directly with his bday, so I feel that it's more to sort of use my son when he comes to our house. He loudly told him that he missed him and wanted a group hug. Usually, he just lays and watches his phone.

I'm torn as to what to do. I don't want to go to the level of my DP's ex and manipulate my children against SS, but at the same time, I don't think his behaviour should just pass without any consequence as he disrespected me, their mother, and he wouldn't tolerate a much smaller thing against his mother. Nor am I ok with him probably using my children to get their love precisely because he knows he disrespected me.
Also my DP doesn't feel good that I'm cold to his son and thinks that I should just let go, so that creates friction.

@Anuta77
Why are you at so many events/occasions that the ex is also at?

Original poster
Anuta77 · 16/07/2022 15:41

Because the ex was supposedly DP's friend and that particular event was the 15 year old bday of his daughter to which she invited me herself. They are latin and it's an important date for them, so they usually make a big deal out of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 16/07/2022 15:44

@aSofaNearYou, to my DP's defense, his ex is very manipulative (using niceness, which is the most difficult to identify) and was working on him year before we met. So it was hard to change, but I think inside him he understood that all this closeness is not a good thing and strangely, this explosion at his daughter's bday (daughter from ex #2) was an eye opening even when he realized how hypocritical both of his exes actually were.
But like most parents, he's defensive about his son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 16/07/2022 15:47

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 14/07/2022 07:57

I agree with redwings although I imagine that will be a hard thing to swallow as you did all this for the best of intentions. Having boundaries doesn't mean your a bad person, you and DP have allowed the ex and DsS to much power in your relationship and DsS equal power of a adult and now he is flexing the muscles.

I'm willing to bet that setting boundaries is hard for you and you shy away from them for a easy life. Sadly it rarely ends up giving you a easy life usually quite the reverse also you will build up resentment. I would get a councillor and try to explore why you struggle with these points and how you can start. I will also say that DH the ex wife and DSS will not like this. But your a human too and your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's.

Also stop talking to the ex she doesn't sound like a nice person. This is about power, and currently she has it. Take your own life back. Good luck op

Strangely, this humiliation at DP's daughter's bday was in a way setting a boundary and of course, SS didn't like it. I guess I had my usual reaction of trying to be in peace (and God knows, I'm a confrontational person in general, I just wanted peace in my family, for my own kids), but if SS doesn't care, why should I.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 16/07/2022 15:49

"Once you have done this teach your own children to put boundaries in their own relationships and interactions with people regardless of whether they are family or not. So if someone is nasty to them they immediately should call them out."

Excellent advice! I also would teach my son's not to even stay "friends" with exes, it's like trying to advance in your future relationships with a stone attached to your foot.

OP posts:
Watchthesunrise · 16/07/2022 16:09

I'm not a step mum but y'know sometimes you just have to be the bigger person. Why flame drama? I'd respond to your SS with 'sorry you feel that way as I've always admired how you [...something positive...]. And I love your dad so I plan to be around for quite some time yet'

Ignore the ex. And move on, head held high.

Original poster
Anuta77 · 16/07/2022 16:12

You're right. When this drama started, I was pregnant, then post-partum, so I don't think I had emotional ressources to deal with issues. Now, it's going to be like that.

OP posts:
pitchforksandflamethrowers · 17/07/2022 18:23

You are incredibly vulnerable when pregnant and post partum. It sucks arse and of course you wanted peace.

But now is the time to tackle this head on, you don't need to go mad, or yell or anything simply state what you want to happen and move on.

LunaMay · 17/07/2022 18:36

It's clear from your other post yesterday you have issues with the ex wives/step mothers.

You seem like hard work OP. I would normally agree not to let them disrespect you in your own house. I feel like they would never win with you either way though. They're old enough to sort their own relationships, you said they see your Dh regularly outside of the house so leave it at that and focus on your kids and Dsd

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