I need to say it somewhere so here is as good as any

[CrossStichQueen]

Firstly I have been a SM over 20 years. I was 23 when I met DH (older than me) and he has 2 sons. I have a good relationship with both DSS and 8 years after splitting with DH I still have a good relationship with both adult sons.

I am with a new partner who has 1 DD 13 yo who I met around 5 mobths ago after dating for 14 months. She is generally a lovely girl and I understand teenage girls as I have DDs 15 of my own. That said I am struggling today.

She has a tendancy to be quiet babyish which normally just goes over my head as does her very stressful food fussiness but today after a long hot day shopping she refused to eat in any of the lovely 10 restaurants we passed.
The one she picked was over priced there was nothing on the menu either DP or myself wanted so we settled for a club sandwich.
DSD picked starter and main so was more expensive than what the afults chose and didn't finish the food despite saying she could as was hungry.

I know this is a DP problem and not DSD problem and I will chat with him after the weekend as I can tell he's not happy but just wanted a quiet life.

There is a lot of guilt and fear on his part which dictates his patenting which we need to discuss also.

I dont need replies as such I just wanted to have a moan that my day out & meal have been dictated by a child and it was rubbish food that's given me heartburn.

You’re put out that she wanted to eat somewhere you didn’t and she didn’t finish all her food? What do you need to have a word with him about? I’d stay out of it tbh, does she live with him full time?

Ahhh this board isn't for a moan, people will come along and start the usual 🛎 and ndry soon so get your hard hat ready.

Support thread is bouncing around if you need a place to vent without people saying your doing it wrong (cue is that no matter what way you do it your wrong).

Sounds frustrating, anyone with teenagers will know the feeling so you aren't alone (even if you are a sm so will be told to swallow your annoyance)

Have a chat with DP, have some you time (if you can) and remember this isn't a indictor of dislike of SC, this is a indication that you dislike the behaviour of a teen. Who are arsehats most of the time.

Your feelings are valid, teens are little blighters and your doing a good job. It can take time to get into a rhythm with Dp with kids but it's about finding your groove and not letting yourself be walked on.

Next time pick a place to eat you would both like, being taken out for lunch is a treat, not a right.

That’s how you interpreted this?

If my own teen refused to eat in any of the 10 restaurants we passed then insisted on somewhere crap, chose more courses than anyone else and then didn’t eat it, I’d be annoyed at them.

The OP wants to have a word with her partner about letting his daughter control things to that extent. That’s not weird.

’Does she live with him FT?’ is (I bet) code for ‘an NRP should pander to the wants of their child no matter what’.

I completely understand your frustration op. I'd get annoyed with anyone who was so fussy they rejected 10 restaurants which resulted in me having a meal I didn't like - it's objectively annoying behaviour.
I think most people would, including @BungleandGeorge.

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander exactly this!

Thank you for the replies.

I think what was even more frustrating is she chose a burger and at least 6 of the other places did bloody burgers plus stuff DP and I fancied. The leaving food wasn't the problem it's the fact she was told no starter as you won't eat everything she insisted she would then didn't.

I dont blame DSD as I say she's generally a lovely kid and we get on well as I never show my frustration infront of her hence the vent here.

It's been a long week as I have stayed with DP due to having emergency repairs on my home so it was unsafe to stay there which means I have spent lots more time with DP & DSD than I normally would.

However this week has made me realise that any talk of living together is not on the cards for the near future as I think our parenting styles are very different.

I know I am painting DP in a bad light and a Disney dad which he is sort of, there is some history which plays a big part in how he parents his DD so I do understand. He has also recently changed 1 or 2 things I have chatted to him about as he knew himself he needed to sort the baby behaviour.

Anyhow we are having a movie night and my heartburn has shifted so feeling happier 😊

I'm astonished any child is allowed to dictate what restaurant you eat in. So definitely on your side here, dad guilt or no dad guilt.

I’d consider this a useful and informative experience, albeit irritating. As you say, you don’t want to live with that sort of behaviour. I’d have been very annoyed at both the demands and the pandering. One of my DSC has proper diagnosed issues with food and can be very picky and anxious but there’s no way she’d pull this sort of crap, or be allowed to, and we’re extremely accommodating of her genuine, needs.

One thing I wouldn’t be doing is tolerating him moaning about her behaviour unless he’s actively tackling it. You can’t have the irritation of having to watch it then relive it afterwards.

Once you’re back home I’d focus on the fun dating part and leave them to quality dad daughter time 😉

Not sure where you got that from but no I was wondering how much time the OP was having to spend with her. If she’s not with partner full time OP probably doesn’t have to spend that much time with the daughter and could choose to just go for lunches with partner. Some people are picky eaters, sometimes there are reasons for it. She chose somewhere that turned out not to be the best, it happens, it’s only one meal.

I sympathise, when I first met DP, he'd let his DC (8-11) order desserts after (systematically) leaving untouched huge (and expensive) main dishes they'd insisted on having because they were 'so hungry'. I found it really shocking (and frustrating to pay half the bill). I never said anything about it, but he changed, possibly because he saw how I managed my kids at the meals and now the same rules apply to everyone. Sometimes dad's are just getting by, and habits can change with new partners. Don't lose hope!

AubadeIsIt yes he has seen how I parent my own DD and made some changes without my mentioning anything.

She really is a sweet girl and I do understand why she acts the way she does sometimes and he panders to her but as I explained last night after she had gone to bed that him doing that all the time doesn't help her.

It's the mismatch in parenting styles that the food incident has highlighted that's the issue.
Well done for having the insight and experience of step parenting to see that living together is way more challenging when you're approaching such a key issue differently.

Beamur it wasn't on the cards as such but we have recently discussed the logistics of living together however I have now said those conversations are very much in the distant future now.
He was a little gutted but he does understand that given our different parenting styles all living under one roof would end up being stressful for everyone and that's not fair especially on the children.

I think what was even more frustrating is she chose a burger and at least 6 of the other places did bloody burgers plus stuff DP and I fancied. The leaving food wasn't the problem it's the fact she was told no starter as you won't eat everything she insisted she would then didn't. oh I can feel the tension in my body just reading that!! Bloody annoying!! Any sensible parent would have said here's a choice of 3, you choose one.

Every right to be annoyed. This would annoy me if my bio kids did it (although it wouldn’t get to this!!!!)

It is a DP problem as you say, does he struggle in general with boundaries or parenting?

Also every right to rant!

Step you are right my own DC would not get away with this which is why I found it frustrating.

There is a bit of a backstory with how/why DP parents the way he does and its not because he is a lazy parent or a Disney dad although he is a bit Disney. He really does recognise the dictating, demanding baby behaviour and he also recognises is own failure to handle it properly and he has made positivechanges.

I have known DP well for around 7 years before we got together which is why I accept his parenting and DDS behaviour more than I would as I understand where it comes from.

Its positive that he makes changes though. My DH was the same when we met and we both had to compromise on our parenting styles and met in the middle.
You are doing the right thing by talking to him and not moving in together until these issues are ironed out.
And yes, I would be pissed off about the restaurant situation, next time decide where you are eating first and if she doesn't want anything off the menu she can go without.

The positive is you are not living with him and have no plans to.

Keep it that way.

No way would we let our teen girls call the shots like that - not happening. They are maddening can’t imagine having to deal with other peoples teens one’s own tough enough!