Just don't like one of my step kids

[Dundundunnnnn]

Feel bad posting this but just wondering if anyone feels the same and how they worked through it.

I have two step children, one is a teen and the other is 9.

The eldest is absolutely lovely, kind, thoughtful, funny, we get on really well and always have done.

But I've always struggled with the youngest. It's not just me, he's very difficult to really like or bond with.

He can be mean quite often to his sibling, to us, to others at school. He barely talks, not just to me but to anyone, or engages at all in anything but computer games. He sulks if he doesn't get his own way all the time and will basically just do the opposite of anything you ask him to do. I just really struggle to like or enjoy spending any time with him and I've gotten to the point where I've sort of given up even trying to have any sort of bond with him. We just live in the same house half the time now. I go through the motions of caring for him, I still cook for him obviously, still help out if his parents need it, I'm still kind when we're all together, buy his favourite foods and treats if I see something he might like etc... but I've stopped trying to make any effort to do things with him or force conversation out of him and to be totally blunt, I wouldn't care if I never saw him again.

I feel really bad about this and don't know what to do. I don't think I'm an awful step parent, I really have tried. It's not just me he's like this with, my husband and his mum get frustrated sometimes.

As I say, I love eldest DSC, I often wish it were only them.

What are school saying about his behaviour there?

If his behaviours are not just with you/at yours then it sounds like there is more going on here - something his parents tho look into. Is your DH taking this seriously?

Does he spend plenty of 2:1 and 1:1 time with his sons?

I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. He doesn't sound very likeable and by all accounts you do an awful lot for him. If anything your partner should be feeling grateful towards you for all you do.

He doesn't sound very likeable but he doesnt sound very happy either! Maybe he is having problems at school or struggling with his parents break up? Could be anything really but letting him just isolate himself probably isn't a good idea. His parents need to dig a bit deeper, but difficult situation for you.

You will probably reap what you sow. I think I'd do my best to hide my feelings and behave as if I love him - he will be around for the rest of your life - do you want a difficult teen/ twenties/ adult sDS for all your life.
Having a popular and successful older sibling possibly doesn't help.

She could have a difficult SC regardless of whether she likes them or not, that isn't generally the main thing shaping the SC's entire personality.

Just continue as you are in practical terms although you might want to make a conscious effort to use positive body language around him. Smile when you first look at him, don't turn away etc. Its very easy to slip into slightly hostile postures when someone is so difficult and it will unconsciously make him feel unwelcome and withdraw further.

Some people are just not as pleasant and likeable as others. His father needs to draw distinctions between behaviour which is just 'him' and a bit introverted and behaviours like unkindness which need to be corrected. If he is chastised for bullying and also not being talkative, he will feel attacked as an overall person and fail to make the changed needed. Its OK to be introverted and quiet. It's not OK to me cruel.

Got to ask any undiagnosed Neurodivserity at place here at all op ?

Also don't feel bad some people don't gel, some people are just unlikeable. I think your on the right path tbh, stop trying to change him and just let him be (obviously not the cruelty - that has to be addressed)

Sometimes the older kid spent their early childhood in a loving, optimistic atmosphere, but a later one comes along when the marriage was crumbling and things are very different for them. This can affect people for life.

Even if this is partially the reason though, I'm not sure how you turn things round! More love and consciously setting a good example are very rarely BAD things to do, whatever the situation...

That’s ok OP. People are individuals and you can’t possibly like everyone. As others have said it sounds like he’s generally unlikeable.

It must be hard having him in your house when you feel that way. It sounds like you’re managing well to hide it and be welcoming nonetheless.

I think that some people just clash. Normally if you clash with someone then you avoid spending time with them but if it's a step child then obviously you can't do that.

Op I think your approach seems right. Trying to force a bond where there isn't one would probably annoy him anyway.

I am not a step parent, but could you just step back & not engage & let his father crack on?

It's a tough one, no child deserves to have an adult in his life who dislikes him but not all children are likeable. But he is your DSS and like it or not he isn't going anywhere (unless you split with his dad).

So you have two choices - fake it till you make it or leave.
Maybe it is a phase he is going through right now and he will grow up to be a lovely boy (like my DSS who could be hateful as a kid and is now a delight)

I understand, OP. My step children are adults but I feel the same way - one is lovely and one really, really isn’t.

But I believe that everyone should be treated politely, no matter how difficult or downright rude they can be. So both (adult) children get smiles, how was your day, favourite foods, questions about their interests, warmth and caring.

Lovely stepchild gets more phone calls (both children may or may not see that as a positive 😂) and more talking time because he is easy to talk to. He takes an interest in what his dad and I are doing. Things just flow naturally. He probably gets better birthday presents because communication gives us a better idea of what he is into.

Less-lovely child never asks about me, rarely asks about her dad, gives very short answers unless talking about herself, and complains constantly about her life and the choices she has made. We listen and maintain contact and try to be there for her but it is telling that she is no contact with her mother and her family and seems to only call her lovely sibling when she needs a favour.

Despite their differences, their father and I always try to treat them equally and will always be available to them equally.

Don’t minimize your feelings. It’s okay to say what you have and feel what you do .

You say
‘He barely talks, not just to me but to anyone, or engages at all in anything but computer games. He sulks if he doesn't get his own way all the time and will basically just do the opposite of anything you ask him to do.’
I think anyone would find this child hard . It’s not because your a bad step parent .
Its because of his behavior.
However he is a child and maybe suffering from many issues …

The fact you are writing on here show you care. I think apt of people would say ‘ I can’t be doing with it and I’ll just run through the motions but I’m not going to worry about him ‘.

You do care . You want the best for him .

Be proud of yourself for caring .
Talk to your husband outside of the house about this . It is a serious issue and you must work together to try and tackle this for everyone.

( I don’t know if you have /want children ) but you can’t have them growing up thinking this is good behavior . It’s not fair on your step son to feel so sad . It’s not fair on you or DH to live like this either .

I have been the step child and the step parent . I know that it is so so so so bloody hard . But you can do this . No one deserves to be miserable. Maybe DH needs to work with you to set some rules in the home ? I know he is your step child not your child but you wouldn’t let your child behave like this surely . So why would you let your step child. I know your aren’t his mother and don’t want to be a disciplinary) but have house rules.

Have dinner together
If someone speaks to someone / asks questions - people answer politely .
etc

Surely your DC doesn’t want to create a child who is extremely rude . I love my child to bits and no way would I tolerate rudeness like you described because I don’t want my child to be unlike able and a rude bossy mean child. Regardless of behavior issues and stress he may have had .

Hugs.
Best of luck .
xx

Jeez OP I could have written your post.

I have actually now moved out of the house and my husband is beside himself, begging and pleading that he will step up and tackle her behaviour. But it's been ongoing for years and years and years. Before this it was the ex wife now it is his daughter, I have been treated genuinely appallingly for so long and I consider myself pretty thick skinned.

She is like your DSS, surly, rude, moody, doesn't speak unless she wants something, obsessed with money but bone idle, incredibly rude, but at the same time somehow manages to have absolutely no personality whatsoever. She's like it with everyone, including her mum and my DH, so like you I know its not me.

Problem is how your DP deals with it. Mine seems terrified of his own child (although she's 16 this year).

I adore my husband more than anything. But I wish I'd never met him sometimes.