Not earning any adult points here....

[mommabear2386]

So at the weekend just gone we had my SSs from Thursday till Sunday night. Now we have a decent relationship and they aren't bad kids albeit lazy as anything and leave a lot of mess / crap in their wake.
Now my DH doesn't have a good relationship with his ex at all and right now there's zero communication for her as she ignores everything we send ( back story in other thread)

The oldest son is my partners step child from meeting his ex but has pretty much raised him with minimum input from bio dad. This is only relevant because SS Is all mum really and sides with her all the time when issues get raised which we've always just let go because it's his mum at the end of the day and he should I guess him and DH are chalk and cheese personality wise also.

Now he always leaves things at either house and we always are the ones to fetch and carry (we've enabled this I know but it's starting to grate) he forgets his acne cream this weekend and is very matter of fact, who is taking me and when to get it? We asked can someone there bring it and it's almost shrugged off like how dare we impose on mum and step dad.
My car was in the garage Saturday and might not of gotten out so I mentioned can you ask mum or stepdad to collect you guys on Sunday as the car might not be out... again 'well they might say no so what's your plan b?' Attitude

Again small issues but led to the end result...

Sunday PM younger step son starts to feel unwell and nauseous and vomits....older step son takes it upon himself to message his mum and tell her about this possible stomach bug and THEY decide between them it's best if both boys stay here 2 weeks ( until the next would technically be going home from the next EOW) until the possible bug is over!!!

He comes in the kitchen and announces this to DH, I then walk in and ask what's going on and he goes 'do you want me to tell her?' Again attitude.

Me and DH were angry that we haven't been consulted at all! He's working all week on nights and there's no consideration for us at all I. This household if possible getting ill only mums house and we had 20minutes notice until they were due to go home.

so we say no you won't be staying indefinitely unfortunately as that doesn't work for us and in future we would appreciate being asked not told what's happening in this house.

FYI I don't think we've ever said no to anything before so it was a first and older ss was clearly pissed off and sullen, because we had refused and he had to message back and say actually they would be coming home.

Younger SS didn't even want to stay to be fair but it was the audacity of it all and the way it was delivered.

Like I said no adult points earned I do understand that in terms of spreading possible germs but I am fed up to the back teeth of being dictated to in my own home! Just a rant really!

Rant away.

Its tough but you need to try and knock this behaviour on the head. Start off with “errrr no, that’s not happening” or “no, that doesn’t work for us”.

I wonder what these kids will be like when they go out into the big wide world.

On the positive side it sounds like your DH is on the same page with you. He however needs to have a chat with his eldest about his attitude and manners. Nobody should be allowed to treat you disrespectfully in your own home

Thanks, I don't think he realises he does it, the way they are held on a pedal stool and we are left with what's left which can get a little old at times when it's is he comes to for things he knows will be a no at home.. I think DH is going to speak to him properly about it later as he's more than old enough to know better by now!

I'll get this out of the way before anyone else comes on to say it...poor dear children, obviously nobody wants them. We'll conveniently gloss over the logistics that DH won't be available in any meaningful sense to look after them and that younger DSS wanted to go back to mum's.

Meanwhile back in the real world, good for you/DH for not being dictated to by older DSS, I'm sure if this was about genuine needs then you'd have tried to be more accommodating. Having said that it's no surprise that DSS has the attitude he does if he's not been been said no to before (which tbf you do acknowledge in your OP that your DH has enabled). Sounds like DSS is only acting the way he's always done but unknowingly pushed it too far this time. Be prepared for further sullenness while he adjusts to your DH finally asserting some boundaries.

@mommabear2386 positives are your DH seems to be good at supporting you ! And honestly that sounds like a flipping nightmare !!!

My DSD can be a bit like this que "I'm hungry" which at aged13 she knows where the fridge is and explicitly thinks that we should go get her food and deliver it to her.

What I started doing and it works well is, when presented with a request/demand, smile very sweetly and say in a slightly jokey tone " you seem to be implying I need to do x but you seem to have forgotten I'm not your servant and you don't pay me (even if you did) I still can't help you" say it with good humour like of course you don't really think he's asking you to do x because no reasonable person would do x. Expect pouting or the request to not be understood. Just repeat (grit teeth) smile and go sweetly that doesn't work for us.

Every single time. Don't justify don't get into logistics of why don't you do x y z, just a sweet thank you but no thank you. Turn into a very polite wall that can't be moved. Also say to your DH v sharpish after you have said x won't work and DsS has already asked you about it and you said thank you but no thank you. Again in a very helpful wall like fashion like you are being helpful.

If your wondering now DSD will use her legs and get food from the fridge but does mutter darkly that she preferred it when she didn't have to. Frame it as a life lesson in problem solving.

There's no winners when kids have been told they have dominance over a house but you are totally able to say er no I'm not a chess piece to be moved at your will.

Ps if a child's sick chances are they want their mum and even though the elder many not thank you the little one probably will have.

OK.
@mommabear2386
I dislike the plan hatching etc. And I get why you get irked re the eldest. But that's got to be par for the course with that sort of setup imo.
Re the sickness... Actually I think that if covid had taught us anything, yes the children should stay with your household, regardless of how inconvenient until recovered. That's the reality of children being sick, it's never convenient. Why should the mother be expected to pick up this slack just because its the end of your contact time and her work commitments always impacted whilst you both complain about the eow situation?
Your household should be pulling more of the weight imo.
If the situation re the elders is that fragile, then maybe it's run its course given he has a biological father and two stepfathers?