How dare a stepparent have an opinion (lighthearted)

[Wethersoriginal]

Today I tried to broach a subject that has been an ongoing issue with husband and stepchild.

As soon as I said one sentence I could feel him prickling and hr said what’s it do do with you?! I then remembered the golden rule that under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to offer any criticism of a situation involving SC 😂.

They can moan about the situation until the cows come home but if you DARE to agree or offer some insight it is NOT WARRANTED. But yes, you still have to treat the sc as your own and rearrange your life around them. But remember. No opinion on anything allowed ever 😂.

Light hearted. Please share your tales of double standards. I think bio parents can be so blind and probably I’d be the same.

No story to share but l soon learnt you are damned if you, damned if you don't . Thankfully my stepson is am adult now so have put all that shit behind me! So tedious.

DH complaining my DD(aged 2) wouldn't eat her carrots and she would be a fussy eater when she's older, DSD(aged 12) wanders in saying she's left her carrots as she too hates them and he said she could leave them.

His face was a picture. He soon as he realised the giant double standard. I refer back to it as the carrot-gate situation.

Your husband asked what it is to do with you?!

Presumably at the same time as also expecting his child to be treated as part of the family?

Not a step mother thank God as it sounds shit but I just clicked on this curious, what was your opinion!

I did date a man with DC a few years older than mine and they seemed a bit socially anxious but that was massively pandered to instead of, ok if you're not feeling brave enough, don't go. would you like some therapy do deal with the social anxiety?

Instead, both parents would hover behind ''fanning'' their teens' egos temporarily so they could get through the event, but the next time they needed bravery, the issue was still there..

I bailed! For other reasons, it was only later I thought, omg that was some serious headfuckery going on there.

@ComfyChairPose come visit the step parenting board if you were curious to what life would have been like.

Part of me wants to say you missed a bullet tbh and believe me if you had tried to intervene or suggest anything other than fanning. Chances are you would have been classed as a stepmonster.

The difference is if you have a partner who can work with you as a unit. That makes all the difference.

My DH once said to me it was his decision on something that should have been joint so I said ok well if that’s the case then you can also do all the practical things I’ve been helping with - changed his approach pretty quickly…
however on a lighter note DSD wants some piercings and I’m very happy to take the view of it’s up to mum and dad and not get any of the flack of that one!

There is absolutely not a chance in hell I've been doing night wake-ups since this boy was 1 year old to then be told I don't have a say. Thankfully my fiancé treats me as an equal parent or I would have been out the door long ago!

Hopefully that doesn't sound condescending but I wouldn't be able to do this otherwise!

@Aksbdt what a wicked woman you are, you don't get to pick and choose! When you marry a man with a child... Blah blah blah.... Knew what you were getting into... Child of the family... Blah blah blah... You are duty bound to treat the child as your own, so whether that means to lock them up lest they find their way to Claire's or give them the money and take them yourself you must treat her as your own !!! And what the parents think of your decision is neither here nor there. Mumsnet said, Ok???

This is fairly standard for stepfamilies. It’s the animal farm model of equality.

You say it’s lighthearted but it’s not really. Your husband is an idiot and it will be impossible to have a successful blended family with him having this attitude. You will all suffer because of him.

Yes, but sometimes a bit of gallows humour can be helpful to women trying to get by in less than ideal stepfamily situations.

None if my tales of double standards are funny. There’s no way of seeing any humour in them, and that’s why I’m getting divorced. But maybe a bit of humour can help women in less toxic circumstances than I found myself in.

I uses to get this then I pointed out that he would sometimes act on my advice and he stopped telling me not to offer advice.

I refused to do this from day one. If they're living under our (joint) roof, I am having a say in how they're raised and rules/consequences. Otherwise DP can just stay single and parent the children in his own home. I'm not dealing with all the shit (behavior, lack of consequences, stress, financial impact) for something I have no say in. That's not a family to me anyway.

The animal farm model? Please could you explain?

It’s a George Orwell book. There’s a Wiki page for it.

Did the issue affect you though?

You should 100% have a say in things that do. But (with great difficulty) I keep my trap shut otherwise, unless asked. TBF I'd probably bristle if my partner started dropping unsolicited advice too.

Animal Farm = all are equal, but some are more equal than others

@Wethersoriginal lighthearted? I think not. That's disrespect! It's irrelevant whether it was about your step child/his job/the car/money/local shop opening hours... if he keeps going on about it or it keeps causing an issue then as his WIFE, your opinion should matter & be everything to do with you.

Yep. It’s a pretty standard cultural reference. Not obscure in the least.

I wish I’d written everything down over the last 12 years of being a stepmonster. Some of it is truly ridiculous.

Stuff like this is why I disengaged. I’m not allowed an opinion? I’m not allowed to ever be upset or talk to you, my DH, about my feelings and the situation? All whilst being expected to tread on eggshells around the golden children and being expected to run around like an unpaid Nanny whilst having to put up and shut up?

Nope.