TV

[MagicFaraway]

I feel like a miserable old bag BUT wanted to check. I don’t have kids of my own and I’m only a year into step parenting. My youngest step daughter (11) dominates the TV in the evening and it is starting to do my head in. I’m sure I must seem grumpy but I’m trying hard not to be.
Most evenings it’s back to back kids TV shows top volume. Kind of fine while we’re cooking dinner etc but the moment we all sit down the shows just run on and on. My partner (their dad) never suggests turning it off or changing the channel.
I’ve just left to run a bath and get away from the noise. I’m in my 40s FFS - I don’t want to spend my evenings watching kids shows! I’d happily watch something we all wanted to, but if her choice is on when we come to sit down, that’s it for the entire evening until she goes to bed after 10pm sometimes!
My partner isn’t an unreasonable man, I think he’s got some fondness for some of shows because they watched them when she was little - but I don’t! I’ve never had children, to me it’s just drivel. I’ve tried to explain I’m not ‘into animated stuff’ but…
Tell me - am I being a grump? What would you do? I’ve r recently moved in with him, the kids are here half the time. They’re great, but the little one gets away with murder, she rules the house!

No I don't think it's normal or positive, especially with a bedtime that late. Personally I think after the evening meal it should be family viewing, not kids TV.

No you're not being a grump. 7:30pm is cut off time for childrens tv in our house and it was the same rule for when dss was little. I think you need to speak to your partner, either she watches tv in her room or she uses a tablet with headphones if she wants to stay downstairs

Can’t you just communicate? Like ‘oh let’s watch the rest of your programme then watch something altogether!’ And maybe choose a programme you all like. My oldest is 11 and we have Netflix shows we watch together when the younger ones are in bed. We love the Umbrella Academy as we’re both comic nerds! Maybe you could say let’s pick out something to all watch as a family, a film or something that will be good for everyone.

Although with you calling her ‘the little one’ and mentioning ‘animated stuff’ what is it she’s watching? As I said my ds is 11 and he likes many things I like. He’s not sitting watching anything I’d consider ‘drivel’ like kiddie cartoons for hours on end.

It’s kids adventures, gangs of kids getting up to mischief, kids comedy, and cartoony type stuff. Harmless - and you’re right, it’s not drivel to her - but not anything I imagine any grown up would actively want to watch every evening! It’s mindless. It’s 11 p.m. and she’s still at it.
I love the idea of a curfew on kids TV! Nothing after 7:30. So simple! I feel an idiot for not thinking of that myself!
That said, my partner isn’t terribly good at consistency when it comes to boundaries with them or rules etc… I think that’s partly to do with him having felt overwhelmed solo parenting before we were together, and partly guilt over the traumatic divorce.
Now I think about it. This is probably the time - me moving in - to tackle a couple of other compromises. I’m tired of both of us picking up after them. I’d love them to do a regular small thing each to help us every day, empty or load the dishwasher, pick up their socks, actually put rubbish in the bin not in it!
Again, does this sound like a reasonable request since we’re all going to be living here together now? It’s fair, right? It’s my home too, now…?

How old is the kid? I’d she’s staying up till 11pm she can’t be that young. Surely there’s some middle ground? Mild mannered ‘family shows’ that you can all enjoy after tea?
I think that’s what most people do. Or get her a telly and send her to bed at 9pm so you get an hour or so to watch what you want.

Eek. Sounds very awkward to me. I know you’re excusing him with ‘oh he was overwhelmed with solo parenting’ but when a mum does that it’s just called being a rubbish mum. If you (the new woman) moving in coincides with actual boundaries being put in place it places you in the ‘bad guy’ camp.

I know it’s a bit locking the door once the horse has bolted but I wouldn’t move in with a man who can’t parent properly and try to change/fix it. You’re just setting yourself up for a lifetime of issues and resentments.

So I guess I’d disagree that you moving in is the time to ‘tackle other compromises.’ If anything I’d think it’s the worst time. The time to realise he wasn’t parenting was before you moved in really.

She’s 11. And I agree this bedtime is crazy. Crazy.
He’s a good kind man, just inconsistent with rules… 😕

He may be a good kind man, but he’s also an ineffective and lazy parent. That’s how it is. If you decide to move in and suddenly start setting rules you’ll be the mean stepmum and he’ll be the helpless dad who can’t do anything about it. It’s not your job to fix it and teach him how to be a dad.

my partner isn’t terribly good at consistency when it comes to boundaries with them or rules etc…

What discussions did the two of you have when you considered moving in? They’re not going to thank you for signalling change that means chores or less tv. It’s your home too now but he’s been parenting as he’s seen fit to date and unless he’s enthusiastically on board with things changing I don’t rate your chances. Talk to him, test the waters. Compromise is key but it won’t be easy if he gets defensive.

11 year olds can easily watch cross over tv as can younger. No need for animated kids stuff to be booming out. We dont have a rule as such but all that nonesense and youtube goes off by 7.30 and then we all settle down together.

Favourites in our house are glow up, saving lives at sea, dna secrets, friends, location location, grand designs, your home made perfect, diy sos, catch phrase, in for a penny, sinking of the concordia, rise of the nazis. Documentary about crossrail, sports documentaries on iplayer, jay off repair shop learning to read at 50. Royal navy commandos. Love it or list it. Top gear. Hunted. Kelvins farm. Great interior design challenge.

I can tolerate any of those until eldest goes up before i watch my own programs for an hour before bed.

Any yes its normal for an 11 year old to do basic chores. It could be they have their own chore that they are responsible for each day-setting the table or loading the dishwasher. Or that they are asked to help on a regular ad hoc basis for five-ten mins at a time. Passing the pegs when hanging laundry out. Running a basket of laundry upstairs. Chopping some vegetables. Putting the bin out. Running the vacuum round. Not only do mine respect me for when they help-it actually helps their behaviour and they seem to respect themselves more.

SM here.

You and your partner need to agree some basic house rules.

I wouldn't put up with the TV being dominated until 10pm.

As a pp said there are plenty of crossover entertainment shows that are suitable (and an appropriate bedtime).

They also need to do chores that are age appropriate.

If your home is their home then you need to stop rolling out the red carpet. It's not a holiday place or hotel.

If he'd moved in with you I think it would be fair enough to change the status quo.

But you've moved in with him. I realise some of the things going on aren't ideal but if this was going on before you moved in you may have to accept that's how he parents. This is often seen as lazy parenting on the Dad's part but often it actually isnt. Once separated dads have to work hard to keep the peace and unfortunately it does mean being softer on the kids.

I think you should start with small steps like them taking a bit more responsibility and helping. Probably not things like TV although obviously 11 is too late. Can you retire off to the bedroom at say 9 to watch TV ?

I absolutely agree and wouldn't let any child dominate the tele day or night! Presumably they have bedrooms? 10/11pm is far too late for a young child and it's absolutely lazy parenting!
The issue you've got here is that she was there first! You've moved into their home. If she's always had control over the tele in the evenings then she probably won't appreciate you changing things.
I'd say slowly slowly catches monkey.
Start suggesting movie nights, a movie which you would all enjoy. A games night etc, has she got a tele in her bedroom? Has she got an ipad? My children and step children have their iPads and teles in bedroom and would always opt to go to do those and would never assume they can take over the tele in living room. X

This would drive me crazy. Does DSD live with you full time?

Her bedtime is too late, her sreen time is to high and the whole evening set-up would benefit from a rethink between you and your DP.

In our house there are no screens on during meals, no loud TV, no TV on 'in the background', and no one person decides what everyone else can watch.

My little boy knows that at 6 o'clock childrens tv goes off and it's adults time to watch he's happy to play with his toys until bed time

10pm seems a bit late

Your dp needs to set some boundaries

I think parenting can get a bit of a downgrade once a couple separates - a bit of competition crops up for being the fun parent that the children want to stay with. Enter new girlfriend stage left - and the family all sit back and get out the popcorn.

A year later, new gf is a frazzled wreck sobbing in the bathroom. DP's lack of support combined with the weight of no's, answering back and yes with no action from the kids have driven her to tether's end. At this point (earlier preferably), time to regroup, get some counselling and decide if you're in or out. DP has to decide if you're worth it enough to join forces with you and agree joint rules. Unless the adults are in charge, you might as well pack your bags before your health and sanity break down....

We too had a curfew on kids TV (helped by freeview only) of about 7pm.
Then 7-9 I'm happy to watch 'family friendly' TV such as animals, bake off, quizzes, gentle drama etc.
After 9 is more grown up stuff.

Why is an 11yo staying up so late anyway?

Even when my DD was only 6 we had a rule that in the evening we’d watch a film or she’d play but we weren’t watching cartoons. Obviously that meant watching animated films and it was largely kids films but we could enjoy those far more and by 11 we were watching 12 films which is quite a decent variety and we each took a turn choosing. I wouldn’t be happy in your situation.

I meant my DSD there

This. All of this!

Is the late night and tv because she’s having a chill out after a week of school? Or is it every night? Does your partner do anything with her or take her to clubs etc in the evenings? I think most people get a second tv/ device etc so kids can watch their programmes or play on games but there may be bigger issues going on. It must be really difficult if you’ve been child free to suddenly move in with tweens/ teens

In our house it's one episode of something then the other one's turn. 2 SCs here.

Platforms like Netflix and now even iplayer are terrible for just rolling into the next episode and children will just sit there until their eyes go square.

Definitely need some ground rules as to how to blend together successfully.