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Step-parenting

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iam so mad i am still shaking this am - aibu sorry rant and long

14 replies

bambam30 · 16/01/2008 07:34

last night i phoned dh ex to check when 6 week hols start as i need to book ferries and accomadation all fine except have to listen to her moaning that we seem to have had the monopoly of dss holidays this year etcetc [we have just come back from a weeks holiday that was our 'honeymoon'] and so i say to her well actually we are not going away at easter now [she was to have a week and us a week] and she just started screaming at ne that she had organised childcare etc and how dare we keep changing things on and on. so i ask her to stop shouting at me and explain that we will still have dss that not a problem it just not suitable for us to go on holiday [ we were going up to my parents but my mom now gotta have an op] but she just will not listen she just keeps shouting over me that she has arranged stuff and puts the phone down.this is not the first time she has done this when we have tried to do something she does'nt like [she made us change a holiday destination as she said it was a filthy disgusting place [egypt]-never been mindst] so i sent her a text saying i was sick and tired of being shouted at and that unfortunately sometimes things do change beyond our control look at this week for example she has changed th day we pick him from school[thurs instead of tues] and because it our weekend we also haveto take and collect him on friday which is a 70 mile round trip each day[which we DON't mind doing]which means i have had to change my plans this week and so my point i was trying to get across was that it is a two way street, well she rang my dh in a fit and said she was'nt gonna speak to me in future and how dare i throw in her face about this week and that she works etcetc and so my dh tries to explain what i was trying to get acroos and that actually what is the problem cos we have'nt said we not gonna have ds well at this she gets even madder saying that he crap he does'nt pay enough money [we pay 150 of which she saves 100 and buy all his clothes and shoes for when he here cos she point blank refuses to send stuff saying we should provide we pay towards school clothes on an on] and that she had found a wage slip of dh in dss school bag and that her dh pays 400 a month for his daughter so i told him to tell her that we are only paying 19 a month less [according to csa figures] tbh i am so fed up my dh earns an ok wage and i sahm and we have nowhere near as much money as they do her dh a director and she a manager for somebody ,she used to be kind of ok but since she got together with this guy[and he lovely by the way] and got all this money it's like we are the subserviants and she can change all the stuff she wants and we can only do so if we have permission.we would love to move abroad but would'nt even consider it at the moment because of our dss but she told dh to p**s off and move and put her out of this misery and that we were not gonna havedss at all over aester now iam so fed up anybody oh and should i give her the extra £19 i forgot to say that we have a lo too who lives in sales stuff cos we do struggle and i dream to putt 100 away a month for him please someone reply

OP posts:
Karen999 · 16/01/2008 07:43

Have you got any kind of agreement (written) aboout when you have ds etc?

Bouncingturtle · 16/01/2008 07:53

God she sounds like a right one! First things first, stop talking to her, it is up to her and your dh to sort out arrangements for who has your dss. Can understand if you changing arrangements causes her upset, especially if it causes problems for her with regards to time off for work. However she should not be so damn nasty to you.
Apart from that no advice really, sorry. Hopefully someone else will come along with more constructive advice.

bambam30 · 16/01/2008 08:19

hi karen999 no we don't have a written agreement [well actually ther is an old one that they did when they split up but since then we have him more and for longer bouncingturtle i can understand that changing stuff is a pian in the bum but to be honest it not oftenwe do it and i always say we can still have dss it never an issue for example we have picked him up at 7 in morning cos he been ill and can't go to school having him is JUST NOT an issue

OP posts:
bozza · 16/01/2008 08:29

Right there are two seperate issues here. Firstly the money. I don't think £150/month is an unreasonably high figure for your DH to pay towards bringing up his son. Of course, if you are a SAHM you will have less money, but that is your choice and you have to accept it.

Secondly the arrangements. Yes she is being totally unreasonable, trying to imagine problems that are not there especially when it sounds like you are helpful and co-ooperative. I think it might be better to do what bouncingturtle suggests and leave it to DH to deal with her. You don't need the hassle.

peanutbear · 16/01/2008 08:31

if you have DSs more than 52 nights a year you pay less anyway dont you foe evey night over this he stays with you

she sounds like she took all her anger out on you yesterday

it sounds like you are very reasonable and accomadating to me

Karen999 · 16/01/2008 08:43

Its not easy! I have a dd from a previous marriage and we share custody - becuase of the nature of my ex's work it means that I sometimes have her more....which is great for me! Me and my ex both have new partners and I now have a 10 month old baby with my new partner.

I take it your dh and his ex do not get along? Could this be what really it is all about?

Surfermum · 16/01/2008 10:29

She sounds totally unreasonable about the arrangements for having your dsd. But why are you the one making them? If I were being spoken to like that I'd not get involved and leave it to your dh. And saying your dss can't come at all at Easter now is not on . Poor little boy, I hope he wasn't expecting to.

As for the money side of things, as long as you're paying what the CSA say you should and on time, your concience is clear. Her dh could be earning the same amount as your dh but have a different assessment because of his outgoings or the number of nights you have your dss, all sorts of reasons (although to be fair the CSA are a bunch of incompetents).

She doesn't sound like a happy lady? Is there anything she could be angry about?

chipmonkey · 16/01/2008 11:30

She sounds thick or mad or both, tbh. I'd leave your dh to deal with her.

bambam30 · 16/01/2008 17:48

hi all of you thanx for your comments and advise and can i also say we don 't actually begrudge paying the 150 pounds but we really couldnt afford much more especially as we have to provide all his clothes and shoes etc for our house cos she point blank refuses to provide for'our house' and they are earninh WAY more than us {her salary is prob the same as dh] not that i mind that but to keep harping on about what he pays whenever there is an issue does drive me mad we love our dss dearly and never want him to go without hence we al ways try and split costs of uniforms etc sorry i wafflin now i am actually quite a calm person but she makes my blood boil and you right she was'nt able to talk to dh that's why she spoke to me but it seems after my text to her dh is back in favour[for the next couple of months anway

OP posts:
Bouncingturtle · 16/01/2008 18:22

Thank goodness, she does sound a like fruitloop. Just try to stay calm (I think you are doing a great job btw ).

chipmonkey · 16/01/2008 21:40

You sound lovely. She should be grateful her ds's stepmum cares so much about him. There are a lot of people who aren't so lucky.

bonkerz · 16/01/2008 21:52

we have the same with my DHs ex when it comes to DSD. I am the one who sorts out access as DH is just a walking doormat most of the time. DH pays more than CSA would take in maintenance and we also provide all DSD clothes etc when she is here and regularky buy clothes and shoes for her at her mums too.

Vickie1971 · 21/01/2008 21:25

Ok, well I can offer some advice. I have been there done that and I learnt the hard way.

It doesn't matter how nice you are, how accommodating, how understanding or how blinking flexible. If she plays her cards right you will end up looking like the bad one.

Leave it all to your dh to sort out. It could end up blowing up in your face.

Hope this helps.

anniemac · 25/01/2008 14:07

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