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Fathers Day Confession WWYD?
30

SafetyDancer · 19/06/2022 18:00

Today I’m in a tricky situation with partner over his 3 DC from previous marriage and their feelings about living with their mother that got revealed today.

Ex-wife since the split has gone back to work and this results in weekends away working and unsociable hours. This of course has over the last few years has resulted accommodating this in his time schedule with them.

We found out today the younger DD confided in my DD and said that they are pretending to be happy about this situation but started crying and said that they feel the mother is not in their lives as much as she was and they are second best to the job. They are happy for her (it's a car racing related thing and DD’s very into it as well) but don’t want to upset her. According to DD this happened a few weeks ago, my DD has only spoken out today of all days. One of his DC mumbled that they had worries over her recent relationship problems but apart from that I was not privy to these other concerns. My partner has flipped and thinks it is time that they should be spending more time with him maybe on a permanent basis. I do not want to get directly involved in dialogue with his ex-partner as she is prone to drama.
The youngest DS has been moving more of his belongings on every visit and mentioned that he was saving time on moving which I took as a throwaway comment but maybe it wasn't.

We need to discuss how they feel, partner is already discussing stopping her maintenance and them living with us, but I’ve said not today. My problem is he really has not confided in me taking on an additional three DC which is a significant move to be explore from every angle, not just a knee jerk reaction, he is being very emotional stating that his kids are the most important thing in his life and now I feel I’m second best (sorry that sounds a bit selfish, I am a working mum myself and only have a limited amount of time to myself after everyone else) This led to a bit of a row between us over her selfishness with her job that he says doesn’t suit family life of a lone parent. I kept saying we need to discuss this before he starts discussing it with his DC/Ex. His older DD is in first year of GCSE so she doesn’t need the upset (they would not need to change schools). Advice needed on how to go forward. To boot my DD ended up getting upset as she kind of blurted it out, she is having some issues at school herself and now she thinks she has ruined the entire day. Partner ranted that our relationship is more stable then her casual flings. Do not need a custody/family court drama in my life how can we handle this with damage limitations in place?

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00100001 · 19/06/2022 18:02

How old are the kids ?

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SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 18:03

Tell you partner he needs to calm down when he's discussing this. He shouldn't be flipping out or ranting. He's the adult. The kids won't want to confide in him again if he's not a safe space. Hopefully the damage isn't already done.

Who is looking after the kids when mum is at work? Is it possible for DH to start with offering to take them every weekend?

I agree he should have run it past you first.

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DenholmElliot1 · 19/06/2022 18:08

Hmmm. When you moved in with your partner the agreement was that his children would live with their mother and come and stay with you part-time. That was the agreement wasn't it? You didn't sign up to have all 3 of them live with you permenantly.

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Scout2016 · 19/06/2022 18:24

If I have understood correctly, one child at least I'd upset they aren't spending more time with their mother.
Not looking to move out and see less of her.

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SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 18:30

Is he expecting you to look after them?

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Magda72 · 19/06/2022 18:31

I think your dp needs to calm down & actually take on board what was said (not what he's conjecturing) which to my reading was not "I want to spend more time with dad" but rather "I miss mum & want to see her more". Your dp insisting the dc live with you is not actually doing to solve the problem for the dc.
As a working mum myself I think the ex's working hours are none of your dp's business unless the dc are very young and it's a safeguarding issue. Otherwise the dc should be encouraged to talk to their dm as to how they & their dm can together tackle this aspect of THEIR home lives - it's really nothing to do with your dp.

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Danni677 · 19/06/2022 18:35

Nothing they have said suggests they want to live with their father, not that their mother is doing anything wrong. Your DP needs to calm down.

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RedPlumbob · 19/06/2022 18:35

Jesus. I’d wager most DC would rather their mothers didn’t work, but as we are the LONE financial providers, it’s tough shit.

A more rational response would have been for him to explain that, rather than kick off like this. A job more suited to being a lone parent? What’s that, then? 10-2 Mon - Fri? Earning a pittance? Nope.

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SafetyDancer · 19/06/2022 18:37

Thank you for your replies, a lot of sense in them and will digest them. To clear it up his DS moving items here - not sure if that is related. I think too they need to sort this out from their end. I agree moving to us would not solve the seeing mother issue at all.

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Scout2016 · 19/06/2022 18:50

I think accommodation of her work when sorting out who has the children when is reasonable. Unless it turns out she's working 90% of the time and spending no time with the children.

She will have had more time for them before they split up and she presumably needed to earn a living and it's natural they feel the difference and miss her, especially if all they knew before was she was around and available to them.

How old are they?

It's not reasonable to expect you to have 3 children moving in without any discussion and it's fine for you to feel hurt at it being taken for granted and to want to avoid custody dramas, most people would want to avoid that.

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SniffletheDinosaur · 19/06/2022 19:32

Sounds like his ex is trying hard to make a life and a career for herself and her children (assuming kids are old enough to be home alone or are cared for by others while mum working). I think your dp has overreacted and would be wise to consider less dramatic options such as how to coparent successfully with her to ensure the children's stability.

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HogDogKetchup · 19/06/2022 21:04

SandyWedges · 19/06/2022 18:30

Is he expecting you to look after them?

My first question to. Look at logistics- what is he actually expecting day to day will look like?

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howtomoveforwards · 19/06/2022 22:00

Maybe he needs to be telling his children, before anything else, that unfortunately when adults separate they have to fund their own households and the only way to do this is to actually work. They perhaps need some home truths about how day to day living is managed so that they understand their mum’s absence, rather than attempting to use it as a stick to beat her with. Maybe look at the maintenance he is paying and seeing if it’s a fair contribution to their living costs would be a good start? . Not removing the children who have made it clear that not seeing their mum is the problem here.

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Magda72 · 19/06/2022 22:26

Maybe he needs to be telling his children, before anything else, that unfortunately when adults separate they have to fund their own households and the only way to do this is to actually work. They perhaps need some home truths about how day to day living is managed so that they understand their mum’s absence, rather than attempting to use it as a stick to beat her with.
This!

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SafetyDancer · 19/06/2022 22:41

Appreciate all your replies all have taken on board. Had calm sensible talk with DP and his older DD - seems to be some underlying issues with male friends staying over etc which has unsettled them. Magda yes agree with you adults need to work it doesn't always fit into the utopian remit. We tried to explain this but they feel they are denied time now and the job is too dominating. Work in progress ....

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Magda72 · 19/06/2022 23:08

@SafetyDancer it is hard and fwiw the male friends staying over is problematic. Again your dp can't really do much about this but depending on the ages of the dc he could help them with finding the language to tackle their mum themselves re their discomfort over this.

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RedPlumbob · 20/06/2022 00:13

I have a very demanding job and 3DC, ex isn’t really arsed at all. If I don’t work, we don’t eat.

However, the only men that ever stay over are my brother and his husband when they’re visiting (live abroad) and I haven’t been on a date for 6 years, I sure as shit wouldn’t be having random blokes in the house!

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ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/06/2022 00:16

Why was one of his first thoughts about stopping maintenance?

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KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 20/06/2022 00:19

seems to be some underlying issues with male friends staying over etc which has unsettled them.

Im not suprised it has and I wouldn't be happy about it either.

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KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 20/06/2022 00:22

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/06/2022 00:16

Why was one of his first thoughts about stopping maintenance?

You missed the paragraph before that was said where the OP says

My partner has flipped and thinks it is time that they should be spending more time with him maybe on a permanent basis.

Why would maintenance be paid if they changed to living with them.

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Yorkshireteabags · 20/06/2022 00:27

Stopping maintenance, criticising her job choice, overly dramatic response re the children moving in. He sounds unreasonable and bitter toward the ex tbh. He needs to have an adult conversation with you and the kids mum about how best to respond to the kids concerns/lifestyle. Not seek any opportunity to competitive parent.
Im sorry but I don't think hes considering you or the kids. He needs to calm down and listen rather than react.
I really hope you manage to get a postive outcome.

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SleepingStandingUp · 20/06/2022 00:31

Is he more important to you than your DD?

Would you sacrifice her happiness for his?

Would you tell her she needed to spend less time at your house if he wanted it?

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ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/06/2022 05:49

KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 20/06/2022 00:22

You missed the paragraph before that was said where the OP says

My partner has flipped and thinks it is time that they should be spending more time with him maybe on a permanent basis.

Why would maintenance be paid if they changed to living with them.

No I didn't miss the paragraph. Jesus, reading comprehension used to be good on MN.

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KnitOnePearlOneDropOne · 20/06/2022 06:17

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 20/06/2022 05:49

No I didn't miss the paragraph. Jesus, reading comprehension used to be good on MN.

Obviously not as that would be the reason why.

Nowt wrong with my reading comprehension thanks

.

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Carrotzen · 20/06/2022 06:56

How old are the Dc? What actually are the hours?

The fact you DHs first thought was not to talk to his ex about what the DC have disclosed, or even talk to the DC, it was to stop maintenance and them move in permanently. Hes criticising her job, critiquing her selfishness. Are you sure it's his ex whose prone to drama?

He needs to have a chat with the ex, and with the DC. Adults need to work. Honestly most likely the Dc and ex just need to have a chat and work on spending yime together and make the DCs feel more stable before any talk of family court drama. I think that a lot of DCs can feel like this when they become teenagers but it doesn't mean that the parent needs to change job and uproot their whole lives

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