I need a moan about my DSD and Father's Day

[Nowomenaroundeh]

I need a moan because I'm exhausted and irrationally intolerant.

My DH has three DC. All of them are spoilt and massively self entitled. I have long ago accepted this is entirely the fault of their parents and I should not try to change this. My life has been easier since I came to this realisation.

They were teenagers when I met them. I remember the first Father's Day when I was part of their lives. They all showed up empty handed demanding to know which restaurant we were going to. Now I'm shocked that I was shocked. They never give gifts but always freely set out their expectations. I have stopped buying them because they rarely give even a cursory thank you.

The eldest have moved out for university and college and rarely get in touch. DH won't hear anything from them tomorrow for Father's Day. He is hurt.

The youngest SC is a school going teenager and was being non committal about whether she would be available on father's day.

We had planned to have a day at home, give DH breakfast in bed and cook a nice lunch. Our own DC have made cards and homemade gifts.

Money is very very tight for a number of factors. It won't be forever but we are in a pinch.

My mother contacted me earlier and said to book a very nice upmarket restaurant, she wants to take us out of lunch as a thank you for doing some favours for her recently.

DH shared this with SC who now, quelle surprise is suddenly available. My mother won't object but I am not in the humour. We will have to collect and drop her which means no wine for one of us. There will be no thank you. The last time we were in a similar situation SC insisted on ordering three courses from the a la carte despite me saying my mother was paying and we were all ordering from the set menu. She always dives into everyone's desserts and refuses to offer a taste of hers.

This sounds petty of me I know. In fact I know this is petty of me but it doesn't stop me feeling as I do.

I don't know why my mother should take her out too if she wasn't prepared to come for a home made lunch when she won't say thanks, be polite or even bring a card for her dad.

If it's relevant, I was not the ow, the SC do not have a problem with me personally.

I'm obviously not doing anything about it beyond making her feel welcome but I'm tired and cranky and wanted to moan.

Can anyone relate?

No, but I sympathise.
She sounds unpleasant.
However I do think it's a bit cheeky of your DH to invite his DD, your DSD to a lunch which is being paid for by his now MIL. Be different if it was his exMIL, and thus the girl's grandmother.
Unless of course he cleared it with your DM first.

Ask your mum to move it to next weekend. Problem solved.

Rte ordering- just tell her you’re ordering off the set menus . don’t let her at your food.

You just reminded me why I don’t go to restaurants with my partner’s teens.

I would ask your mum to book the restaurant for another day and order some pizzas tomorrow.

My suggestion would be to do the thank you meal on a day that’s not Father’s Day and not one SD would be at yours. Then not tell your SD.

but I’m evil. So I’m sure people will be along to say you can’t possibly exclude her, even though her father will allow her to behave extremely rudely and take advantage of your mum.

Does he treat your joint DC differently?

Yup - ask your mum to move the day.
Then either tell dsd or don't - depending on how evil you're feeling .
I too think it's a bit much for your dh to have used your mums generosity to get a positive response out of his dd - unless your mum told him to invite her.

This is not fair on your mum at all. Tell her to reschedule so you can actually enjoy it. It’s meant to be a fun thank you and a big treat, pick a different day to do it.

He should have checked before inviting her, it’s massively entitled that he assumed your mum would want to pay for his ungrateful child’s lunch. I wonder if she got her attitude from her dad…

I should have suggested another weekend for the thank you meal.

It's fine with her that DH invited SD though - my mother will have intended her to be invited as she wouldn't know what weekends she is here and which she's not.

If I postponed she wouldn't bother coming over to pizza in ours and he will be upset that three of his children are absent. The other two won't even text.

Ah I'm cranky.

I get frustrated with DH for how much he spoilt them and feel like he shakes the begging bowl "oh please will you come, I will make it worth your while" They treat him like total crap and then by extension seem to assume I will also be pathetically grateful for any crumbs they throw me.

He is very different with our DC on my insistence as I refuse to raise a spoilt brat.

"I get frustrated with DH" I think here lies your issue. This isn't some random spoilt rude teenager, she's your husband's child. If you can't take to a restaurant without her taking advantage, and behaving rudely that's on him as her parent to have the conversation and deal with it. Ask him to parent his child so you can back off the situation.

I have @GreenManalishi, truly i have stepped back completely. I touched on it in my OP but I washed my hands years ago and my life is so much easier. They are a product of both their parents.

I've had years of seeing how the world reacted to their rudeness, now I simply shrug.

I don't want to have a conversation with him about it tomorrow as it'll end up souring the day.

I need to get over the irritation. Yes it's half his fault but I still feel bad for him that she's blatantly not bothered about seeing him on Father's Day unless she's getting what she wants out of it.

I think that stepping back and washing your hands of it is one thing. But it’s clearly not enough here. You also need to put some boundaries in place for your sanity.

Talk to your DH and explain that:

1. today he will not let his daughter behave rudely. Everyone - including her - will be ordering from the set menu. She will not be eating other people’s food etc. Setting out these boundaries is not ‘spoiling the day’; it’s making sure it’s enjoyable for everyone.


2. as he’s proven himself unwilling to parent his other children in a vaguely acceptable manner, you can draw some clear boundaries to protect yourself and your children from days being taken over by him pandering to rude adults in the desperate hope they’ll pay him attention. He might do it, but you don’t have to be involved or have your plans changed.


3. He clearly needs to get some therapy to learn to live with what his and his ex’s parenting has produced. He sounds pathetic in relation to them and it must affect how you see him. I once told my H that the way he was with his children put me off him - I found him unattractive as he pathetically tried to win their affection. That was about the only thing he ever listened to. The fact it might affect his sex life seemed to be something he valued enough to care about.

Its also worth speaking to your mum about it and getting her on side. She’s probably trying to do the right thing and what she thinks you’ll want. Explain you are no longer willing to have meals out with your SD because her father will let her behave poorly. You can’t trust him with his other children and it’s stressful. So any plans will need to be made to mitigate his unwillingness to parent.

He made his bed but unfortunately you and your mum are lying in it.

The only thing is, guard your pudding with your life. Really, stab her with a fork if she goes near.

You have my sympathies. I'm on holiday and having a fairly similar situation and the pandering is just a bit silly.

No advice but some solidarity. I fear for when DSD gets older, she's already told her dad she wants/will take my car when/if she learns to drive as his is too big and he needs it for work. Screw the fact it's my car bought solely with my money and I need it for work and I never offered it

I'd make it clear before you go to your DH. If she strays from the set menu then he's paying. If she touches anyone's desert then he's paying for that too.

And you need to speak to your mum about it too

Wow it's cheek after cheek here. I wouldn't invite her to the lunch with my mother and if she did come, she would not be allowed to "insist" on three courses. And if by some chance she was going to be allowed to do that, her dad should be paying for her.

I have so much second hand embarrassment here.

Thanks for all the replies. I do appreciate it.

I said to him can you please reign in SD's manners at lunch today. He promised he would. I'm going to leave it at that and see what happens.

It might sound a copout but he is looking sad, radio silence from his other kids no doubt will continue all day. Father's Day is also sad for me as it is not so long since we said goodbye to my own father.

I have found that in these situations it works best when I'm direct. I'm picking up DSD after work and am going to ask her if she has a card or anything. If not I am going to simply state I think allowing herself to be taken out is poor behaviour, at the very least she could arrive with a card. She has plenty of money and very clear expectations of what she should receive on her celebrations.

She can hold her own so if she has something to say I will listen and might gain some insight into her perspective at least.

@Nowomenaroundeh my sencere sympathies. It is a very unpleasant situation and I bet you are dreading fathers day because of the way DSC upset your DH. It is too late now to uninvited her, but if your DH will struggle to rein her in during lunch you should be firm. Also don't ask or mention the card or present when you pick her up. Perhaps it is for the best your DH will see for himself. One day he will stop begging for their time and attention

i think you are maybe giving too much weight to his sadness. Yes he’s sad. But this really is a reaping what you sow situation. He needs to recognise he’s sad because he’s allowed his children to be this way and try to do something about the one who is still a teenager. Or it’ll be 3 children and him sulking on Father’s Day (and ruining it for his younger children).

I would rather there's not a question mark over whether she's invited even if it's my mother paying. SD is part of the family unit so she's included if she's here (and she is supposed to be here for father's day and birthday). So I'm ok with her getting an automatic invitation and my mum will be too.

I also think SD is not really to blame. Her older siblings behave far worse so by comparison she probably feels she deserves credit for even clearing space in her schedule. Nobody has suggested otherwise so why would it even occur to her?

The last family celebration (it was mine and DH joint birthday and again my mum treated us) she announced she had to be brought back at a certain time due to commitments. I said no sorry. I am not interrupting the day to ferry you around with no notice, it's not fair on me and the other people. Quiet seething resentment for the whole event.

It is how their household was run; everything is a negotiation and if you have leverage (eg. their dad wanting to spend time with them) you use it to your advantage.

It's not an example I want our DC to be influenced by so while I feel sorry for DH the elder two are never around, that is one silver lining.

I needed a vent. Thanks for all the replies. I wish father's day wasn't such a stress here. It's really hard to see DH look expectantly at his phone when it buzzes then the disappointment follows.

Bloody hell, OP, what a shower they are.

A few thoughts…

Father’s Day is a bit overdone. I’d expect kids to be pleasant, respectful and loving all year round. Is it worth encouraging your DH to reduce the focus on this one day. I’m sure they are equally crap on his birthday and Christmas, too. Dialling down his expectations will help take all the pressure off.

Also, it’s a bit sad that he has such a massive focus on his older children making zero effort when his younger ones are showing him they care. Perhaps focus on that a bit more.

Agree it would be an uphill climb to unwind the appalling habits of a lifetime with SC, by trying to influence DH to change their ways. But no way would I put up with the behaviours you describe at lunch. Agree with PP that you should speak to your mother and reframe the expectations there, too. In other words, DSC don’t get the option of only coming along when the restaurant meets their standards. Fuck them. No more invitations. They come to yours for pizza or let DH meet them for coffee etc if he wants. Why should anyone else suffer their appalling, grabby rudeness, especially your mother.

It feels like this whole dynamic, including their atrocious behaviour, has become completely normalised for too many people, for too long. Draw a line now, for a happier life.

I had to come back and update.

SD appeared armed with cookies she had baked and a card! She said thank you and was if not quite a ray of sunshine then as close as a teenager can get.

DH had a lovely day. Phew! Thanks everyone

That sounds really positive.

That's lovely. I'd privately thank her so she knows it's appreciated.