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Pregnant
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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:14

Well bit of a back story, with dp 7 years bought a house 3 years ago we have had 4 miscarriages in 3 years 1sr loss 10+5 2nd 6 weeks 3rd 10 weeks 4th 6 weeks but never seen a heartbeat or growth with any early scans, but I'm now 12+2 weeks now and waiting on my scan to tell people.

I have told him we will tell his older kids a weekend we have them then he can text ex and let her know, but in my heart I know she is going to hit the roof and prop stop kids from coming, she told his sis she would love another baby and will hate that I'm having what she wants how will I handle this.

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 23:19

You won't handle this because it's not your job. How she chooses to respond is her responsibility. Your partner will then have to deal with her regarding the children if there's a problem. Don't waste a single second worrying about her reaction.

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:22

@Aquamarine1029
Thanx that's what I needed to hear, she would not let me meet the kids for 4 years so I know she will hate the idea of them getting a sibling of me.

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GrazingSheep · 17/06/2022 23:23

Is the contact with his children court ordered?

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 23:24

Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:22

@Aquamarine1029
Thanx that's what I needed to hear, she would not let me meet the kids for 4 years so I know she will hate the idea of them getting a sibling of me.

It was your partner who prevented you from meeting his kids for four years.

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:26

@GrazingSheep
No he was not allowed to take them anywhere on his own till the oldest was 12, not even his folks, I have sort of taught him that they r his kids aswell and not just hers, and he has put his foot down abit more with her.

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:28

@Aquamarine1029
Was all on her he was not even allowed to take them to his parents house, or even change a nappie cause that's not a man's job she the kind there my kids if you get what I mean.

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GrazingSheep · 17/06/2022 23:29

Would he go to court now to get it sorted properly? Is he paying maintenance?

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:36

@GrazingSheep
Yea he pays maintenance, and above even helps to pay for the kids to go on holiday with her for 2 weeks, and more, the oldest now 15 so would only really be youngest to go for. I have said if this pregnancy goes well I would want them to come every other Christmas eve to spend Christmas with there new sibling, but he not even allowed to keep them the night before there birthday even if it falls on his time.

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Aquamarine1029 · 17/06/2022 23:39

Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:28

@Aquamarine1029
Was all on her he was not even allowed to take them to his parents house, or even change a nappie cause that's not a man's job she the kind there my kids if you get what I mean.

Did he take her to court for proper access? Certainly doesn't appear so.

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Eddiesferret · 17/06/2022 23:46

Complete nonsense.. it WAS on him.
He could have paid £215 , downloaded a C100 and applied on line.
Asked for mediation. If refused then gone straight to court . If agreed then his rights as an equal parent would have formed the order .

As their parent he needs to grow some balls and ACT for his children's sake..
handwringing about his awful ex is pathetic. He needs to do this RIGHT NOW !

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:46

@Aquamarine1029
Nope they broke up sorry she got to 3 months pregnant the safety zone and kicked him out, she used him for the youngest. So he moved back to his mums then we meet few years after bought a house 4 years after that then she met someone and he started getting kids a weekends but won't let him take them during the week as they have school, and app she only one that can do the school run.

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SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2022 23:49

Sounds like he needs to go to court to get his visitation mandated, rather than at her whim

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:49

@Eddiesferret
I agree with you have told him to, but then take a step back after saying it cause at the end of the day its up to him, wee boy won't stay on his own has to have a friend stay because of anxiety so it would be no where close to 50/50 because of it.

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GrazingSheep · 17/06/2022 23:50

Don’t focus on her
Look at what he should be doing

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Babyghirl · 17/06/2022 23:52

@SleepingStandingUp
Oh I know he's only daddy when it suits her, she let's her wee boy at 15 drink get drunk and she said when he said to her not a thing you can do about it it's my house under my care. I have told him wee boy it won't be happening under my roof. That's one thing I can control.

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SandyWedges · 18/06/2022 07:33

Do not focus on her. You focus on you and your baby. It doesn't matter if she hits the roof. Your partner needs to not be relaying all this information to you. As for the contact he needs to sort it out and go to court. There should be no way she can demand what he does and doesn't do on "his time".

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FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 18/06/2022 09:06

definitely draw a really firm boundary here - for yourself and everyone else. His problem ex and his precarious contact are not your problem at all.

He needs to shield you from this stuff. And to take the necessary steps to formalise his contact and stop her having so much power in his life. He needs to do this is preparation for the baby coming.

This is not you failing to support him. It’s looking after yourself and your child.

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Babyghirl · 18/06/2022 12:55

@SandyWedges
@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander
Thank you for replying, he does tent to jump at her every whim, cause he does not want to rock the boat cause she callable shots where the kids r concerned, but seems to be getting better from I told him he is also there parent and can't tell you what to do when you have them.

I have never meet her and no plans in doing so, the way she treated and still treats my dp is enough for me to stand back as I have a habit of saying what's on my mind a spades a spade to me.

Also had to tell dss to stop going home to her and carrying stories, I'm not one for sleeping with the heat on all night or I don't sleep he went home and told his mum he was cold considering he has to sleep with a fan on full blast, told him his mum has no say in want goes on in this home and can't change a thing as its my home and not hers.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 18/06/2022 15:44

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Pregnancy after losses can be hugely stressful and nerve wracking so I’d really try and focus on yourself and leave his kids and his ex to him to navigate as you’re powerless to do anything much and you’ll drive yourself mad trying.

He knows what she’s like and he wanted to have a child with you so presumably he’s thought about all of this and you need to trust him to sort it. It’s your only option.

You talk about him as he doesn’t have any agency which is concerning, there was always something he could have done to avoid giving her all the cards. It’s far too late for official contact arrangements if the oldest is 15. And he knowingly had several children with the woman, however awful he now thinks she is.

But it’s not your problem and you’re borrowing trouble by even thinking about future Christmas plans! With such a big age gap who knows how all of that might pan out anyway.

Park all of that immediately and focus on yourself and your baby. Wishing you a very uneventful calm happy pregnancy.

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pitchforksandflamethrowers · 19/06/2022 17:39

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/06/2022 15:44

Congratulations on your pregnancy. Pregnancy after losses can be hugely stressful and nerve wracking so I’d really try and focus on yourself and leave his kids and his ex to him to navigate as you’re powerless to do anything much and you’ll drive yourself mad trying.

He knows what she’s like and he wanted to have a child with you so presumably he’s thought about all of this and you need to trust him to sort it. It’s your only option.

You talk about him as he doesn’t have any agency which is concerning, there was always something he could have done to avoid giving her all the cards. It’s far too late for official contact arrangements if the oldest is 15. And he knowingly had several children with the woman, however awful he now thinks she is.

But it’s not your problem and you’re borrowing trouble by even thinking about future Christmas plans! With such a big age gap who knows how all of that might pan out anyway.

Park all of that immediately and focus on yourself and your baby. Wishing you a very uneventful calm happy pregnancy.

This all of this Anne nailed it !

Honestly though she is completely irrelevant. He's in a relationship with you, how she feels about it really isn't for you to manage or stress over tbh.

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