Am I a monster?

[LaDiDaaa]

Was talking to a friend who also has step children today and we got onto the conversation of loving them like your own which she says she does. I said I have never felt that and if I'm being perfectly honest I don't love my DSC at all really. I like them, I want the best for them because they are Dhs kids and my kids siblings but I don't really feel much affection/ love personally.

She thought that was terrible. Am I a monster? 🤣

Background been with DH 7 years since they were 5 & 7 and we also have DC together. I'm very kind and do a lot for them but I don't love them nor do I have any great level of fondness. I don't know, is that normal?

[Luredbyapomegranate]

I do love mine, but there’s no rule that says you have to.

As long as you do your bit and they feel you are fond of them, that’s the key thing.

However it’s a shame not to at least actively like them if you can, this might come as they get older, or by spending more time with them.

[Youseethethingis1]

OP has said she is kind to the kids, wants the best for them, does alot for them, values the sibling relationship with her children.
Why do some people jump to the "poor unwanted children" conclusion?
Unrealistic expectations are the barrier to many a contented relationship IMO.
My relationship with DSD is not a parent/child relationship, and it would be very foolish of me to be the only one out of the 4 of us (DSD, Ex, DH, Me) to start pretending I'm her mother out of some misplaced guilt. So I won't. I'm Yousee. Firmly on the subs bench, but a pretty reliable sub when needed I like to think. No need for anyone to feel sorry for her.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Fullsomefrenchie

I also feel for the kids, and a lot of step parents are like this, they basically tolerate the kids and would rather they weren’t there, and wouldn’t bother to ever see them again given a choice.

unpleasant but not unique.

That's not what OP described feeling like at all. Many do feel that way, but not OP.

[RedWingBoots]

@ilovemyboys3 most teenagers are horrible by being selfish, entitled and lazy. Though you are only allowed to say that about teenagers you are related to.

Hopefully at least your older SC will soon grow out of their teenage horribleness stage so you can enjoy a better relationship with them.

[easyday]

Nope me neither. They were early teens when I met them and even though they did live with us I feel the same as you. I maintain a relationship (their father passed away over a decade ago) because of my love for my late husband and for the sake of my son (my daughter doesn't care much as they had pretty much left when she was 4) but they are not very forthcoming themselves (do not acknowledge their half siblings birthdays for example).

[Robin233]

I love mine.
It took a while.
My dh loves my dd very much as his own but she is very loveable and lived with us.
They were always very well behaved when they came.
Having 4 at weekends could be hard work but all the kids loved seeing each other and NEVER fell out.

[Narwhalelife]

My SD is nearly 18 (known her since she was 4) and I care very deeply about her, she recently went though a really rough time and I was actually shocked at how much love and comparison (and mother bear rage) I felt for her as if she was my own DD.

But if it came down to her or my DD, my DD would win every single time without thinking.

[Muppetryofthepenis]

I think it is strange to not want to see them again in the hypothetical scenario that you split up. Like it or not, you're a parental figure in their life.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Muppetryofthepenis

I think it is strange to not want to see them again in the hypothetical scenario that you split up. Like it or not, you're a parental figure in their life.

Why does that make any difference to whether you'd want to see them? That's to do with the bond you actually feel.

[KylieKoKo]

@Muppetryofthepenis

I think it is strange to not want to see them again in the hypothetical scenario that you split up. Like it or not, you're a parental figure in their life.

@Muppetryofthepenis
Imagine this scenario.

You have children with someone who you then split with. They then have a partner for a few years. They have an acrimonious split and no longer talk. The ex of your ex then contacts you because they want to see the kids and no longer speak to your shared ex. Would you facilitate this?

Whether or not step parents see children after a break up generally isn't their decision and in practice is complex to manage.

[HumptyDumpty2022]

I think it’s very rare to find step parents who love their step kids. I know a number of step mums and I’m one myself. None of us have had pleasant experiences. Not necessarily the kids fault but by association it’s hard to love someone in this situation.

The threads where mother’s are convinced the step mother is trying to take over as mother and love the child make me smile.
I doubt very much that’s the case. It certainly wasn’t in my case, couldn’t have been further from the truth.

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

It tends to be you should love them and treat them like your own. But that doesn’t mean making any of the choices in relation to them. Schools, diets, clubs, anything. And don’t be too involved because that’s overstepping. The child has a mother and she’s more important. Yet, if you want to do anything for your own children, that’s not ok because you should be treating the SC like your own.

reading threads on MN it seems to mean reducing your own childen’s worlds and opportunities so they are as limited as how you’re allowed to relate to the SC.

that awful Cinderella syndrome quotation upthread actually criticises stepparents for not taking SC to the doctor. That would be because they can’t. They don’t have parental authority so a parent has to. But somehow it’s a failing of the SP.

[TwoHundred]

I don't see an issue as long as the children are treated nicely. My dad remarried when I was around 2. She was lovely to me during the marriage and I thought a lot of her. I never noticed her treating me differently to my half siblings that she then went on to have with my dad. I would say she spent more time and effort on me than he did. She got me my first part time job in her workplace when I was 14 and I loved working with her. I went off to study and when I returned one Christmas, age 23, my dad told me they had broken up and he had moved out. She has never contacted me since. No Christmas or birthday messages. She still saw my dad weekly as they shared custody of my younger half siblings. I saw her years later at my half siblings wedding, she gave me a brief hello and asked how I was and that was that. No lasting damage done, she is just the woman my dad was married to for a while. She made my childhood at his house pleasant enough, made sure I had everything I needed while there and it was 21 nice years.

[LidlMissSunshine]

@KylieKoKo

I find the expectation to love them your own a bit weird. Imagine if a sm came on here and said that she expected her step kids to love them as if she was their own mother! She'd be crucified.

Exactly.

What’s so weird about ‘I love them like my own’ is that it’s not reciprocated by the child. Unless their mother is dead, the child is never going to love its step mother ‘like their own’.

It’s the adult’s projection of the relationship imposed on the child. And that must feel unboundaried and weird for the kids.

[HogDogKetchup]

IMO you can only love your own children “like” your own children.

[PestoPasghetti]

@Parkperson00

I briefly nannied for a family where it was painful to see how the step-daughter was treated. I didn't even know she existed until a couple of months in when she was suddenly there when I came one morning - the house was decorated with many multiple pictures of the couple's son but not even one of her. She slept in 'The Spare Room', nothing about it made it hers. The step-mother didn't want me to include her in our play (she was only 8!) because she wanted me to focus on raising her pre-schooler son instead! It was bizarre. It was one thing for the step-mother to feel that way (not nice though, and she certainly shouldn't have acted like that) but how the dad thought it was ok to stand by and allow that attitude towards her I don't know. Poor little thing, I often think about her.

[HogDogKetchup]

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

this is a really strange quote.

it would be totally inappropriate for me to dictate or invest in my DSS’ schooling and equally inappropriate for me to take him to the doctor.

[BaaCake]

stepparents display fewer positive behaviors toward stepchildren than do the genetic parents. For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc. well yes of course they do. They aren't their parents!

[BaaCake]

@HogDogKetchup

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

this is a really strange quote.

it would be totally inappropriate for me to dictate or invest in my DSS’ schooling and equally inappropriate for me to take him to the doctor.

Ah sorry missed that you quoted this already and said basically the same thing!

[HogDogKetchup]

@Parkperson00

Sadly, as recent child abuse cases have shown, there is much more likelihood of abuse within families where some of the children are not direct kin.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

Powerful evidence in support of the Cinderella effect comes from the finding that when abusive parents have both step and genetic children, they generally spare their genetic children. In such families, stepchildren were exclusively targeted 9 out of 10 times in one study and in 19 of 22 in another. In addition to displaying higher rates of negative behaviors (e.g., abuse) toward stepchildren, stepparents display fewer positive behaviors toward stepchildren than do the genetic parents. For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

I don't think young women marrying someone who already has children realise the conflict that can arise between the non biological parent and step children.

Obviously there are many step parents that do a good job of nurturing non kin children but as threads on MN show, many step parents find it hard.

Also, if you look at the criticism of your own link your assertion has been discredited.

Temrin et al. Sweden study

The findings of Daly and Wilson have been called into question by one study of child homicides in Sweden between 1975 and 1995, which found that children living in households with a non-genetic parent were not at an increased risk of homicide when compared to children living with both genetic parents.

[RedWingBoots]

@HogDogKetchup

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

this is a really strange quote.

it would be totally inappropriate for me to dictate or invest in my DSS’ schooling and equally inappropriate for me to take him to the doctor.

Most Wikipedia pages are written by white US middle class men.

So their view of the world isn't shared universally.

They also have no knowledge of different cultures including the various ones in a European country.

So they don't understand for example that in the England and Wales, except in some cases, as a step-parent you have no legal authority to be involved in a step-child's education or medical care.

[KylieKoKo]

@PestoPasghetti

@Parkperson00

I briefly nannied for a family where it was painful to see how the step-daughter was treated. I didn't even know she existed until a couple of months in when she was suddenly there when I came one morning - the house was decorated with many multiple pictures of the couple's son but not even one of her. She slept in 'The Spare Room', nothing about it made it hers. The step-mother didn't want me to include her in our play (she was only 8!) because she wanted me to focus on raising her pre-schooler son instead! It was bizarre. It was one thing for the step-mother to feel that way (not nice though, and she certainly shouldn't have acted like that) but how the dad thought it was ok to stand by and allow that attitude towards her I don't know. Poor little thing, I often think about her.

That does sound pretty mean but not loving a step child like your own doesn't mean not allowing them to play with their child. Surely you can see that there is a middle ground where you can be fond of a child and kind to them without the intensity of love for them that a parent does.

[Muppetryofthepenis]

@KylieKoKo I understand that. My answer to that would not be popular at all but I think both men and women need to stop moving in together at the drop of a hat. My own opinion is that there are too many first, second, third families. It must be so confusing for the children. Children should always come first. For kids, having a step parent who would happily never see them again must be a bit shit.

[KylieKoKo]

@Muppetryofthepenis

@KylieKoKo I understand that. My answer to that would not be popular at all but I think both men and women need to stop moving in together at the drop of a hat. My own opinion is that there are too many first, second, third families. It must be so confusing for the children. Children should always come first. For kids, having a step parent who would happily never see them again must be a bit shit.

Surely the real issue is people procreating with people who they are unsuitable with .... People seem to forget that root cause of all step parenting issues is people having children and then splitting up.

[DebussytoaDiscoBeat]

I really don’t see what point the above example of that horrible step mum has to do with anything unless we were all advocating that it’s a correct way for step parents to behave, which clearly no one is. My own mother was absent for much of my childhood which left
me at the mercy of my abusive father - I don’t go on to presume that most biological parents are equally neglectful.

Why do so many people push the opinion that there can be no middle ground between love and coldness or even abuse? It’s as ridiculous as saying that unless you treat your MIL as well as you do your own mother then you must be being actively unpleasant to her.