Am I a monster?

[LaDiDaaa]

Was talking to a friend who also has step children today and we got onto the conversation of loving them like your own which she says she does. I said I have never felt that and if I'm being perfectly honest I don't love my DSC at all really. I like them, I want the best for them because they are Dhs kids and my kids siblings but I don't really feel much affection/ love personally.

She thought that was terrible. Am I a monster? 🤣

Background been with DH 7 years since they were 5 & 7 and we also have DC together. I'm very kind and do a lot for them but I don't love them nor do I have any great level of fondness. I don't know, is that normal?

[PaddingtonBearStareAgain]

I think it depends on many things.

I love my DSC like my own, but they live with us full time and have no contact with their M and are unlikely ever to. My DD adores her siblings and they her.

We have all been through a lot together and a lot of horrific court cases, so I guess shared experiences have brought us together more.

[KylieKoKo]

@Midlifemusings

I do think it is unusual to live with kids for 7 years and not bond with them in any way or develop any form of attachment to them. I am closer to my friends kids and my nieces and nephews than you are to your step kids.

If I had to choose between either seeing my niece and nephew or step children I'd chose my niece and nephew. Am I monster? I'm pretty sure they'd chose their aunt (DP's sister) over me. Does that make them monsters?

I think it is strange to have kids who are part of your family and feel nothing for them at all. It has to be very hard on the kids too to grow up in a house with an adult who has no connection, no bond, no attachment, no genuine care or concern for them.

More weird black and white thinking. There's a huge gulf between feeling no care attachment or bond and loving them like your own. Its not one or the other.

[TheViscountessBridgerton]

I had stepchildren before I had children. They were not easy children at all. I was not old enough to be a parent to any of them and they were horrible little bullies. I did not like them after trying so hard with them. I had people tell me I should love them like they were my own. As soon as my own came along, it was like someone squeezed my heart and wrote their name on it. I knew 100% that I did not love my stepchildren, but I was still kind to them and devoted to making them happy and safe. But when their father and I broke up, they said they didn't want to stay in touch and I was absolutely relieved. I hadn't wanted to in the slightest, but felt obligated to offer contact after parenting them for 7 years.

I haven't seen them in over ten years and I'm glad of it. I don't miss them. I wonder what they're doing sometimes and if they ever grew up and stopped being absolute pricks, but I'm not curious enough to find out.

[HogDogKetchup]

Surely the real issue is people procreating with people who they are unsuitable with .... People seem to forget that root cause of all step parenting issues is people having children and then splitting up.

Exactly. People are quick to trot out the damage blending families do without acknowledging the damage first caused by living with separated parents and having lived through a relationship breakdown in the first place. There is no perfect breakup!

[Midlifemusings]

@FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander

I like my nephews a great deal more for not living with them. I spent about a month staying at my mum’s with my sister and nephews there at the same time. It definitely did not improve our relationship. They are much easier to like in small, fairly superficial doses that don’t affect my home life or how I can relate to my children.

im sure my sister feels the same about her nephews - my sons.

To each thir own. My niece lived with me for awhile and we definitely grew closer. I can't imagine not caring at all about every seeing my nieces or nephews again. We had two other kids live with my family when I was a child and 30 years later they are still part of the family and in touch with my parents often.

I think it is strange to have kids who are part of your family and feel nothing for them at all. It has to be very hard on the kids too to grow up in a house with an adult who has no connection, no bond, no attachment, no genuine care or concern for them.

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

I like my nephews a great deal more for not living with them. I spent about a month staying at my mum’s with my sister and nephews there at the same time. It definitely did not improve our relationship. They are much easier to like in small, fairly superficial doses that don’t affect my home life or how I can relate to my children.

im sure my sister feels the same about her nephews - my sons.

[aSofaNearYou]

@Midlifemusings

I do think it is unusual to live with kids for 7 years and not bond with them in any way or develop any form of attachment to them. I am closer to my friends kids and my nieces and nephews than you are to your step kids.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I don't feel fonder of DSS for living with him, I'd probably like him more if I didn't.

[Midlifemusings]

I do think it is unusual to live with kids for 7 years and not bond with them in any way or develop any form of attachment to them. I am closer to my friends kids and my nieces and nephews than you are to your step kids.

[ilovelurchers]

I have four adult step-sons from my previous relationship. I am only still in touch with one of them (we have a little text chat about once a week or so on average) and even that is probably more because of shared interests/similar personalities than the step-mother/step-son bond. I don't and never did think of him as my son, while acknowledging that he may well be the closest thing to a son I will ever have - if that makes sense? I'm not sure if I could say I love him - probably in the same way I love some close friends? I would be very upset if something happened to him, and would try to help him if he needed me to. I haven't seen him for ages (we live quite a distance apart) and sometimes think it would be nice to - but it doesn't unduly upset me that I can't. Certainly it's nothing like the way I love my own child though. And most people I know see even the level of closeness I have with him as an unusual blessing, given that his dad and I split a few years ago.

My daughter declined to remain in touch with her former step-dad, despite being offered numerous opportunities. I think he would have liked to, but it turned out she wasn't that keen on him, despite seeming to have a decent relationship with him at the time!

She gets on well with my current husband but I am 100% certain they would not claim to love each other. Whether it will ever get to that point I cannot say. It's not something I expect or look for. A positive relationship where they get on and are nice to each other and enjoy each other's company seems like a great result to me! If I split up with him I'd be amazed if either of them wanted to pursue an independent relationship with each other going forwards - yet to my mind he behaves exactly as I would want him to in the step-father role, and I think she would agree.

I imagine a really close, loving bond is actually only likely when the step-parent is around from when the child is VERY young (like, a baby more or less), or possibly when there is no other biological parent around, making the step-parent more likely to fully assume the parental role.

So basically, don't sweat it! You sound exactly like the type of step-parent I would want my child to have - caring and kind, but not trying to force a level of emotional connection artificially.....

[Youseethethingis1]

I think issues come where second families are prioritised over first and DC are cassed aside
Plenty of examples the other way around on this board alone. It's just as problematic IMO. Parents should not be differentiating between their children, only striving to meet the needs of different stages and ages and circumstances.

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

@PaddingtonBearStareAgain

As long as your DH treats all DC the same.

I think issues come where second families are prioritised over first and DC are cassed aside.

Second families are often not prioritised though. Quite the opposite.

What happens is people assume they will be. Rather than accepting that a parent actually can’t treat children ‘equally’ when some of them live with him all the time and some come every second weekend. There are so many differences that being fair is not ‘treating them the same’. Often this works in the SC’s favour.

For example, the SC live most of the time in a house where the rules might be radically different. The resident child may be expected to do things that no one asks the SC to do (because it just causes antagonism where things are so different with their mum). Dad is scared that telling them off or making them do chores will mean they don’t want to come.

They all have to be treated fairly as individuals with different circumstances. Often that means treating them differently.

[PaddingtonBearStareAgain]

As long as your DH treats all DC the same.

I think issues come where second families are prioritised over first and DC are cassed aside.

[FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander]

Yes. It is always worth pointing out that your SC are in-law relations. Few people feel the same way about their MIL and their mother. Nor do people expect someone to treat a DIL like they treat their daughter.

Being kind to your SC and trying to make the relationship positive is enough. It’s often all the children themselves want - few SC want a second mother. They aren’t your children. They have parents, and those parents are responsible for them.

[DebussytoaDiscoBeat]

I really don’t see what point the above example of that horrible step mum has to do with anything unless we were all advocating that it’s a correct way for step parents to behave, which clearly no one is. My own mother was absent for much of my childhood which left
me at the mercy of my abusive father - I don’t go on to presume that most biological parents are equally neglectful.

Why do so many people push the opinion that there can be no middle ground between love and coldness or even abuse? It’s as ridiculous as saying that unless you treat your MIL as well as you do your own mother then you must be being actively unpleasant to her.

[KylieKoKo]

@Muppetryofthepenis

@KylieKoKo I understand that. My answer to that would not be popular at all but I think both men and women need to stop moving in together at the drop of a hat. My own opinion is that there are too many first, second, third families. It must be so confusing for the children. Children should always come first. For kids, having a step parent who would happily never see them again must be a bit shit.

Surely the real issue is people procreating with people who they are unsuitable with .... People seem to forget that root cause of all step parenting issues is people having children and then splitting up.

[Muppetryofthepenis]

@KylieKoKo I understand that. My answer to that would not be popular at all but I think both men and women need to stop moving in together at the drop of a hat. My own opinion is that there are too many first, second, third families. It must be so confusing for the children. Children should always come first. For kids, having a step parent who would happily never see them again must be a bit shit.

[KylieKoKo]

@PestoPasghetti

@Parkperson00

I briefly nannied for a family where it was painful to see how the step-daughter was treated. I didn't even know she existed until a couple of months in when she was suddenly there when I came one morning - the house was decorated with many multiple pictures of the couple's son but not even one of her. She slept in 'The Spare Room', nothing about it made it hers. The step-mother didn't want me to include her in our play (she was only 8!) because she wanted me to focus on raising her pre-schooler son instead! It was bizarre. It was one thing for the step-mother to feel that way (not nice though, and she certainly shouldn't have acted like that) but how the dad thought it was ok to stand by and allow that attitude towards her I don't know. Poor little thing, I often think about her.

That does sound pretty mean but not loving a step child like your own doesn't mean not allowing them to play with their child. Surely you can see that there is a middle ground where you can be fond of a child and kind to them without the intensity of love for them that a parent does.

[RedWingBoots]

@HogDogKetchup

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

this is a really strange quote.

it would be totally inappropriate for me to dictate or invest in my DSS’ schooling and equally inappropriate for me to take him to the doctor.

Most Wikipedia pages are written by white US middle class men.

So their view of the world isn't shared universally.

They also have no knowledge of different cultures including the various ones in a European country.

So they don't understand for example that in the England and Wales, except in some cases, as a step-parent you have no legal authority to be involved in a step-child's education or medical care.

[HogDogKetchup]

@Parkperson00

Sadly, as recent child abuse cases have shown, there is much more likelihood of abuse within families where some of the children are not direct kin.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

Powerful evidence in support of the Cinderella effect comes from the finding that when abusive parents have both step and genetic children, they generally spare their genetic children. In such families, stepchildren were exclusively targeted 9 out of 10 times in one study and in 19 of 22 in another. In addition to displaying higher rates of negative behaviors (e.g., abuse) toward stepchildren, stepparents display fewer positive behaviors toward stepchildren than do the genetic parents. For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

I don't think young women marrying someone who already has children realise the conflict that can arise between the non biological parent and step children.

Obviously there are many step parents that do a good job of nurturing non kin children but as threads on MN show, many step parents find it hard.

Also, if you look at the criticism of your own link your assertion has been discredited.

Temrin et al. Sweden study

The findings of Daly and Wilson have been called into question by one study of child homicides in Sweden between 1975 and 1995, which found that children living in households with a non-genetic parent were not at an increased risk of homicide when compared to children living with both genetic parents.

[BaaCake]

@HogDogKetchup

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

this is a really strange quote.

it would be totally inappropriate for me to dictate or invest in my DSS’ schooling and equally inappropriate for me to take him to the doctor.

Ah sorry missed that you quoted this already and said basically the same thing!

[BaaCake]

stepparents display fewer positive behaviors toward stepchildren than do the genetic parents. For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc. well yes of course they do. They aren't their parents!

[HogDogKetchup]

For example, on average, stepparents invest less in education, play with stepchildren less, take stepchildren to the doctor less, etc.

this is a really strange quote.

it would be totally inappropriate for me to dictate or invest in my DSS’ schooling and equally inappropriate for me to take him to the doctor.

[PestoPasghetti]

@Parkperson00

I briefly nannied for a family where it was painful to see how the step-daughter was treated. I didn't even know she existed until a couple of months in when she was suddenly there when I came one morning - the house was decorated with many multiple pictures of the couple's son but not even one of her. She slept in 'The Spare Room', nothing about it made it hers. The step-mother didn't want me to include her in our play (she was only 8!) because she wanted me to focus on raising her pre-schooler son instead! It was bizarre. It was one thing for the step-mother to feel that way (not nice though, and she certainly shouldn't have acted like that) but how the dad thought it was ok to stand by and allow that attitude towards her I don't know. Poor little thing, I often think about her.

[HogDogKetchup]

IMO you can only love your own children “like” your own children.

[LidlMissSunshine]

@KylieKoKo

I find the expectation to love them your own a bit weird. Imagine if a sm came on here and said that she expected her step kids to love them as if she was their own mother! She'd be crucified.

Exactly.

What’s so weird about ‘I love them like my own’ is that it’s not reciprocated by the child. Unless their mother is dead, the child is never going to love its step mother ‘like their own’.

It’s the adult’s projection of the relationship imposed on the child. And that must feel unboundaried and weird for the kids.