Threads

See more results

Topics

Usernames

Mumsnet Logo
Please
or
to access all these features

SC’s mum trying to cause arguments
43

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 21:09

How do you cope when your SC’s mum seems obsessed with you and what you’re doing, and is forever contacting your husband to complain about things?

Bit of background so you get the full picture…
she and my DH share 2 children (17 & 13), were never married or owned property together have been separated for 12 years. They split up because she had an affair and she has had multiple partners since then so it’s not like she hasn’t moved on or wants him back. If anything she treats my DH with disdain which no one can understand and he’s a very good, involved, caring dad who’s very low conflict in his personality.

I’ve been with DH for 7 years and we married earlier this year so I’m not new on the scene either.

SC’s mum and I were pretty cordial at the start and I have my own 2 children who are a bit younger than my SCs (12 & nearly 8) so I would help her out with childcare in the school holidays and I’m always pleasant both to her and about her with talking to others.

Her previous boyfriend (not who she is with now as they split last year) was coincidentally a very good friend of mine’s ex husband and my friend and him share a child together. He wasn’t a very nice person and my friend and her ex had a very acrimonious split. As soon as SC’s mum started dating him the problems began.

She began picking fault with everything I did. All ridiculous things… examples include accusing me of quizzing the kids about their relationship, accusing me of being selfish when I bought things for my own children or our home and not spending that money on her kids, saying that I’ve upset her kids over things or situations that simply did not happen.

She would scrutinise any purchase I made, where I went or what we did as a family. It was exhausting.

She was also absolutely awful to my friend and her son which I found ironic considering she’d verbally tear me to shreds over any perceived slight against her children. All the while she was being deliberately unkind to her own partner’s son.

She also demanded that I stop being friends with my lovely friend because she didn’t like the link between us. I did point out at that at this stage I had been with my now DH for 5 years and had known my friend for 15 years and had no intention of cutting her off. It was her who had decided to date my friend’s ex husband and create that strange link between us all.

I found it confusing but I let it slide mostly and when she split up with my friend’s ex we all secretly breathed a huge sigh of relief. Things have been relatively calm and friendly again since she began to date someone new towards the end of last year.

The problem is the the new man she’s dating is a good friend of the husband of my best friend since childhood… Let’s call him Steve (not real name).

Steve is not only my best friend’s husband’s friend but his ex wife - let’s call her Kate, is also very good friend’s with their sister in law. So again, a weird link between us all had been created.

We had my SCs here all last weekend, had a lovely weekend and that is all.

Tonight their mum has phoned DH and caused a drama accusing me of quizzing my youngest SC (13) about her relationship with Steve and about Steve’s relationship with his ex wife Kate.

I do not really know Steve or Kate. Nor do I have any interest in the dynamics of any of the relationships at play.

I’m completely baffled! No conversations of that nature took place at all and I’m fortunate in that last weekend I wasn’t even alone with SK at all so DH can fully back me up!

But I feel she is becoming obsessed again by this link between us which I have no control over.

I try to ignore it but I’m concerned that she’s interrogating my youngest SC when she goes home.

It almost feels as if she’s deliberately picking partners that are somehow in my wider social circle to try and exert some control or power. It’s all very odd and I’m not sure how to handle it.

To put it into context we live in a city with a population of 500,000 people and live only 18 miles from the 2nd biggest city in the U.K.

This is not a small town with limited options to date or where everyone knows each other so it seems really bizarre that she keeps picking men who are close to my friends.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

LadyCluck · 16/06/2022 21:18

Try and take a big step back. She’s a PITA, irrelevant and not worth your time or stress. She’s the ex for a reason…….

Would your DH consider blocking her number? All future contact strictly via email and ignore anything that isn’t specifically about the children.

Please
or
to access all these features

Dominuse · 16/06/2022 21:20

Disengage - just state you are misinformed I really have no interest - all the best.

communicate direct with kids and get your DH to do it. Block her number

Please
or
to access all these features

Acheyknees · 16/06/2022 21:26

You can't control what she does but you can control your reaction to her weird accusations. If it were me I'd go grey rock. 'sorry, I dont recall any conversation,it must have been someone else' and don't engage further.

Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 21:26

DH regularly blocks her number but then there will be a reason they actually need to speak so he ends up unblocking her.
She refuses to communicate via email and all that happens is the kids are pressured into contacting us on her behalf or she’ll text or call of their phones and DH ends up feeling awful that they’re being dragged into her petty disputes. So he’ll revert to speaking directly with her again.

I have her and her entire family (bar my SCs obviously) blocked on everything.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

HollowTalk · 16/06/2022 21:30

How is she meeting these men? It's as though she's stalking your social media to see who your friends of friends are.

Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 21:32

Acheyknees · 16/06/2022 21:26

You can't control what she does but you can control your reaction to her weird accusations. If it were me I'd go grey rock. 'sorry, I dont recall any conversation,it must have been someone else' and don't engage further.

This is what I do. I don’t engage with her at all when she’s like this but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me when she’s feeding things back.

For example, she’s been fine for a good while and DH spoke to her today regarding plans for Father’s Day as it isn’t our scheduled weekend but obviously he would like to see them on Sunday. Conversion was fine and cordial, and just as DH was about to hang up she said
“Are you at home now?”
DH replied yes he was at home, and she said “Oh you can tell your wife to stop asking SC13 about Steve and his ex. It’s nothing to do with her and it’s making SC13 uncomfortable, I’m really not happy about it”.

I literally have no idea what she’s referring too! The only conversations I ever have with either kid is along the lines of “Did you have a nice week?” and they’ll reply about what they’ve been up to. I’ll be interested and say “oh that’s a nice place to go isn’t it, I like it there too”.
or something equally as friendly or vague

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 21:33

HollowTalk · 16/06/2022 21:30

How is she meeting these men? It's as though she's stalking your social media to see who your friends of friends are.

It does feel a bit that way… except I’m not friends with these men, just connected to their ex wives in some way

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

BaaCake · 16/06/2022 22:26

DH replied yes he was at home, and she said “Oh you can tell your wife to stop asking SC13 about Steve and his ex. It’s nothing to do with her and it’s making SC13 uncomfortable, I’m really not happy about it”. tough shit. She can be not happy. Who does she think she is?!

Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 22:27

BaaCake · 16/06/2022 22:26

DH replied yes he was at home, and she said “Oh you can tell your wife to stop asking SC13 about Steve and his ex. It’s nothing to do with her and it’s making SC13 uncomfortable, I’m really not happy about it”. tough shit. She can be not happy. Who does she think she is?!

There’s nothing for her to be unhappy about even. This alleged conversation with SC never happened

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

KalvinPhillips23 · 16/06/2022 22:31

Just block her and use email only, it's not your problem if she refuses to use email, point that out as well.

You do not need to engage with her, not your issue.

Please
or
to access all these features

Pinkyxx · 16/06/2022 23:03

How tiresome. She sounds quite odd and like she enjoys / somehow needs to create drama. I'm wondering why (at 13 & 17) they aren't just making arrangements directly with their Dad for stuff like Father's day? Does your DP really need to talk to her about it? If she's this much hard work, might be easier for all of you and bring what sounds like some much needed distance between your DP/his ex..

Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 23:10

Pinkyxx · 16/06/2022 23:03

How tiresome. She sounds quite odd and like she enjoys / somehow needs to create drama. I'm wondering why (at 13 & 17) they aren't just making arrangements directly with their Dad for stuff like Father's day? Does your DP really need to talk to her about it? If she's this much hard work, might be easier for all of you and bring what sounds like some much needed distance between your DP/his ex..

We’ve tried to do this but as I’ve said in a previous comment, every time we cut her out then she pressures the kids into contacting DH on her behalf.

Prime example, last time DH blocked her he was bombarded with messages from both kids saying “Mum said I have to tell you this” or “Mum said you’ve blocked her so she’s angry”.

It’s not fair on the kids to put them in the position of playing go-between because their mum is immature and verbally abusive.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Hawkins001 · 16/06/2022 23:10

Tis unusual op, my current partner, happened by chance the knowing her, through a good friend, then we got chatting, but the person's also linked to our wider social group, I think in someways it's because online to build a friendship profile first, rather than someone completely new. These days no one can be trusted so I prefer to keep the people I may build a relationship with closer to the ones I grew up with, so even if I don't have the direct link, at least a friend of a friend would be able to help build the profile.

Please
or
to access all these features

Hawkins001 · 16/06/2022 23:11

*It's because I prefer to build a friendship first.

Please
or
to access all these features

Hawkins001 · 16/06/2022 23:13

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 23:10

We’ve tried to do this but as I’ve said in a previous comment, every time we cut her out then she pressures the kids into contacting DH on her behalf.

Prime example, last time DH blocked her he was bombarded with messages from both kids saying “Mum said I have to tell you this” or “Mum said you’ve blocked her so she’s angry”.

It’s not fair on the kids to put them in the position of playing go-between because their mum is immature and verbally abusive.

What about giving them a book each on Machiavelli, and teaching them different psychological strategies, to help.them understand better the mind games that seem to be happening ?

All the best op

Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 23:28

Hawkins001 · 16/06/2022 23:10

Tis unusual op, my current partner, happened by chance the knowing her, through a good friend, then we got chatting, but the person's also linked to our wider social group, I think in someways it's because online to build a friendship profile first, rather than someone completely new. These days no one can be trusted so I prefer to keep the people I may build a relationship with closer to the ones I grew up with, so even if I don't have the direct link, at least a friend of a friend would be able to help build the profile.

These are not people in her social circle, they are in mine. She had no link to them other than me prior to her dating either of them.

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

Hawkins001 · 17/06/2022 00:41

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 23:28

These are not people in her social circle, they are in mine. She had no link to them other than me prior to her dating either of them.

My errors I misread, you sure she's not an intelligence services asset, and your a person of interest ?

Please
or
to access all these features

Hawkins001 · 17/06/2022 00:42

It would explain her connecting with them, to gather information on you ?

Please
or
to access all these features

SpongebobNoPants · 17/06/2022 08:04

Hawkins001 · 17/06/2022 00:42

It would explain her connecting with them, to gather information on you ?

What the hell are you on about??
Go troll someone else’s post’s

OP's posts:
Please
or
to access all these features

flowergirl2020 · 17/06/2022 08:10

My word she's relentless isn't she!? Second what others have said... grey rock any attempt from her to cause drama. As much as it's awful she's involving the kids and it's hard to take the same stance with them, I just wouldn't react to what she gets them to ask. We've had similar to this. One thing that came to light in our situation via mediation involving SC was that SC was telling lies... saying things had happened or been said that hadn't. When they are being interrogated it's pretty obvious what that parent is wanting to hear / what the right answer is... and he started saying what she wanted and just watching it all explode between them whilst proclaiming he wished they got on Confused we never got to the bottom of whether it was his way of keeping her happy (even though it causing nothing but drama) or whether a bit like his Mum he started to enjoy the drama. Who knows xx sounds a right pain for you and I doubt it's by chance every boyfriend is connected to you xx

Please
or
to access all these features

BaaCake · 17/06/2022 08:16

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 22:27

There’s nothing for her to be unhappy about even. This alleged conversation with SC never happened

Ah yes I did get that from your posts but was trying to say even if it had happened that really isn't the way to discuss it with your DH.

Please
or
to access all these features

flowergirl2020 · 17/06/2022 08:17

@SpongebobNoPants I think @Hawkins001 means that the ex could be purposely connecting with men linked in some way to you or your close friends in order to find out info about you... but is then deflecting from what she's up to by accusing you of using the kids to find out stuff about her xx

Please
or
to access all these features

BaaCake · 17/06/2022 08:18

SpongebobNoPants · 16/06/2022 23:10

We’ve tried to do this but as I’ve said in a previous comment, every time we cut her out then she pressures the kids into contacting DH on her behalf.

Prime example, last time DH blocked her he was bombarded with messages from both kids saying “Mum said I have to tell you this” or “Mum said you’ve blocked her so she’s angry”.

It’s not fair on the kids to put them in the position of playing go-between because their mum is immature and verbally abusive.

Ooh she's a right nasty one! I'm guessing DH has told her it's unfair to use the kids this way.

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumoblue · 17/06/2022 08:19

Is it all possible that the 13 year old is telling her mum what she wants to hear?
Otherwise I’d just carry on like you are, giving her the grey rock treatment.
I’ll never understand people who are obsessed with what their ex/ex’s partner are up to. Seems like such a waste of time for her to be putting all this energy into you.

Please
or
to access all these features

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 17/06/2022 08:19

Could your husband have a really cheap shit phone with a new number that’s purely for her bullshit? He can tell her it’s messages only - no phone calls - and just check the phone once a week.

It’s not going to be an emergency with teenage children who are perfectly capable of contacting him themselves.

Please
or
to access all these features
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.