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Father's Day
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user2345266 · 15/06/2022 10:13

I'm just interested to know the opinions on giving gifts to Step-dad & Step-mum's on mothers and Father's Day. I am not allowed to get a "step mum" card on Mother's Day but the step dad is...

Also, I have previously received abuse for getting my DH a gift from all our children (including step children) as I am not their mum so shouldn't do that. But I would think it would be worse to only get gifts from our children when she doesn't get anything on their behalf.

Just background info - we have been married 9 years. 2 x step children and 2 x children together. We have step children EOW and I have a good relationship with them.

How does this work in your households and what is your opinion?

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aSofaNearYou · 15/06/2022 10:18

I think it depends on relationships. There shouldn't be any "not allowed" and it sounds like there's a double standard in your case to boot, but I don't want or need a MD card from my stepchild. It might be the right call for step parents that are more involved.

I wouldn't be fannying about buying gifts "from" my DSS. Partly just because he's older - I buy gifts WITH my 3 y/o but I don't buy gifts from kids to pretend they were involved with, and the older they get the more I would be expecting them to take the lead. And partly because I just don't see it as my job.

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LindaEllen · 15/06/2022 10:38

I think it should be up to the children whether they would like to or not. They shouldn't be forced, nor told they shouldn't. But if they want to get gifts for their stepparents that's absolutely fine.

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Whatwouldnanado · 15/06/2022 10:38

It depends on the age of the children, it should be up to them. When they were little DSds would make stuff at school and I'd take them to pick out something at the shops for their Dad, lovely thing to do together. There was never anything via ex and we didn't do anything towards mothers day because the girls made cards, made sure they had pocket money and presumed ex partner would help if they needed it.
I get flowers from the girls on mother's day and buy my dad's wife card and flowers. Rise above and ignore point scoring ex, get your dh on board and talk about the meaning of these days and how it's nice to show appreciation with simple surprises.

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ImAvingOops · 15/06/2022 10:50

Someone needs to help the older dc to get presents for Father's Day. If their mum is unwilling then it's perfectly okay for the step mum to to it. The mum doesn't get to say that she isn't bothering and dictate that you don't either!
There's no rule for these things though - it depends on the dynamics of individual families. There are some divorced couples who are sufficiently amicable that they'd help the dc buy for the other parent and others who just won't.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 15/06/2022 10:55

This year I’ve sorted a meal/activity for all of us, made a gift and card with DD for DH and my young teen DSC are sorting cards or gifts from themselves. I used to pay for things they chose for him and do a card with/from all 3 but they’re older with their own ideas and spending money so they like doing their own thing.

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KylieKoKo · 15/06/2022 12:17

I think it's up to the children if they want to and adults shouldn't be banning them or forcing them to if they don't want to.

Also, I have previously received abuse for getting my DH a gift from all our children (including step children) as I am not their mum so shouldn't do that.

This is absolutely none of her business. It's up to you whether or not you chose to buy your own partner a gift ffs. I would block her and just do what I wanted.

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worriedatthistime · 15/06/2022 13:40

If you wish to buy your dh a gift from all his children it has nothing to do with anyone else

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ChowMeinStyle · 15/06/2022 16:11

There's no 'not allowed' about it. You do what works for you in your household. If she doesn't get them anything to give their father but you feel they'd like to be able to give him something then you do it if you like. She's not your boss.

Personally I don't bother getting things from my step children, I just buy for our DC. But I've never done it so it's just the way we've always done that in our house. Sometimes they get him something that mum has helped with, sometimes he just gets the card made at school, no one is ever bothered.

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BaaCake · 16/06/2022 05:34

Oh last year we had such a fuss as I bought a photo gift from DC but didn't put DSC on it and they didn't do anything. I put my foot down and said if DC was old enough I'd be letting them sort their own gifts too.

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Disisit · 16/06/2022 05:51

My kids don’t seem to like their dad. Its very difficult to bring ourselves to get him something when he’s so blatantly cruel to them. So I see your issue. It’s up to you isn’t it.

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user2345266 · 16/06/2022 06:13

BaaCake · 16/06/2022 05:34

Oh last year we had such a fuss as I bought a photo gift from DC but didn't put DSC on it and they didn't do anything. I put my foot down and said if DC was old enough I'd be letting them sort their own gifts too.

See we can't really win. If I got him and card and presents without including them, I'm sure I would be the wicked step mum for not including them 🙄🙈

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BaaCake · 16/06/2022 07:25

user2345266 · 16/06/2022 06:13

See we can't really win. If I got him and card and presents without including them, I'm sure I would be the wicked step mum for not including them 🙄🙈

I think the problem here was I got a photo gift and they were a bit miffed I hadn't put a photo of them on it. But they didn't bother to do anything or ask me to help. It's actually in the parenting plan that the ex and DH are supposed to help organise these things for each other but the kids are old enough to do it themselves so it seems a bit silly. Anyway, she never bothers or DH ends up with something clearly left over from the christmas/end of term gifts she gets given. It would just be nice if the kids themselves walked to the shop and bought a card and a packet of biscuits!

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Gensola · 16/06/2022 07:31

My DH kids don’t bother (adults and quite self absorbed at the moment) so I get him a card and a little present (some fancy beers, or nice chocolate) from the cat and the hens 😅

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aSofaNearYou · 16/06/2022 08:02

See we can't really win. If I got him and card and presents without including them, I'm sure I would be the wicked step mum for not including them 🙄🙈

Who would be calling you that?

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user2345266 · 16/06/2022 11:02

@Gensola I love that 😂😂

@aSofaNearYou Their mum

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Chesneyhawkes1 · 16/06/2022 11:10

DSS makes a card for DH and then we go to the shops together and he picks out a present and I pay for it. He's 9.

I got a step-mum card and flowers off him on Mother's Day. Luckily we have no "not allowed" type stuff going on.

His Mum just seems happy that we get on so well.

My Mum collects him from swimming sometimes and gives him dinner etc as she lives nearby. Step-Nan is even allowed 😂

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Vsirbdo · 16/06/2022 18:03

I think it should be the child’s choice in terms of giving step mums or step dads cards.
Not being able to get a gift from step children to their dad is silly though

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SandyWedges · 18/06/2022 08:37

Oh bum I think my DSC have forgotten its tomorrow. DC has made a card and I got a small packet of his favourite biscuits. Should I ask them if they've remembered or if they just can't be bothered/don't want to that might cause problems.

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user2345266 · 18/06/2022 19:35

SandyWedges · 18/06/2022 08:37

Oh bum I think my DSC have forgotten its tomorrow. DC has made a card and I got a small packet of his favourite biscuits. Should I ask them if they've remembered or if they just can't be bothered/don't want to that might cause problems.

How old are they ??

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SandyWedges · 18/06/2022 20:22

11 and 14 - old enough to remember so I haven't said anything. Might be the wrong choice but we'll see.

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