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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Partner's children

18 replies

Madboutcats · 08/06/2022 02:36

My partner & I have been together for 2.5 years now. When we started living together, myself & my daughter was introduced to 3 his teenage kids (twins - 15 years & girl - 17 years) mid 2020. We all got on fine until I had a row with their dad on New Years 2022 & everything changed. His son took a shine to me before 2022 because he's autistic like my daughter but on different sides of the scale. I apologised about the row to them & he said "it was such a pathetic apology" to his dad. It upset me. So now, he lies about why he's not around us every 2 weekends & Wednesdays. The other 2 complain to their dad that I don't make them feel welcome but I don't know how I don't. This is coming from his kids who don't communicate well at all & can't talk to me at all.
We have had 2 arguments this year so far about his kids & my daughter. His daughter's off to Uni next year & his sons will be 16 so I feel he will put them first & miss out on everything with me in the future cos they will be too busy for their dad eventually.
My daughter & his daughter is pretty much same age but his daughter is older by 7 months & yet, she looks at my daughter all strange like she can't understand why my daughter needs a lot more than his daughter does for example my daughter is doubly incontinent so needs pull ups, needs prompting to do things etc.
After saying all this, my partner doesn't understand why everything has fallen apart & he doesn't do anything about it apart from blaming me for his kids feeling this way.
I don't feel there is thoughts of consideration for my feelings as well as theirs.
If that makes me a witch, I don't know how to change that viewpoint right now.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 08/06/2022 07:41

Hi op - sorry but bits of your post are slightly unclear. Did this row occur in front of all/some of the kids? And if it didn't how do they know about it? Also - what was the row about?
I'm not trying to pry but I think your answers would give a clearer picture as to why things changed which would make it easier for people to advise you.

SoggyPaper · 08/06/2022 08:25

Is he comparing your daughter to his NT daughter and then complaining that she has special needs?

I don’t understand what happened with the row at new year either, but it seems to have been very damaging to all the relationships. What happened?

Moosake · 08/06/2022 11:14

My daughter & his daughter is pretty much same age but his daughter is older by 7 months & yet, she looks at my daughter all strange like she can't understand why my daughter needs a lot more than his daughter does so his daughter can't understand your daughters extra needs? Has she said anything? Would your daughter mind you sharing with his daughter what her difficulties are? That might help?

cushio · 08/06/2022 13:45

So at age 17 your partners daughter doesn't understand what it's like for someone to have additional support needs even when they're doubly incontinent, autistic and need additional support??

Sounds like a pretty big parenting fail on your DPs (and his Dds mum's) part tbh

Original poster

Madboutcats · 08/06/2022 14:41

Sorry everyone for not explaining the row on New Years.

In the morning, he was telling me to get dressed in front of someone so I can get ready for work & it annoyed me, like I'm not aware I needed to do that. I was still annoyed when I came back from work & was hoping to talk to him before the kids turned up then I found out he was having them for 4 days instead of the 2 so I was fuming that I wasn't considered in the decision making - that was all. He responded by saying "why do I have to ask how many days I can have my kids, your kid is here everyday so if I want them here more, then that will happen". I said "tell you what, you pay all of the rent, that way I can't have a say in anything". So it just went from there. His kids was in their room & my kid was in bed. They asked to leave & that was it.

Hope that clears it up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Madboutcats · 08/06/2022 14:43

My partner's daughter just looks at her all funny & they all don't talk to her, even to say hello. When I talked to him about this, he made an effort to change that but eventually, reverted back to how it is.

OP posts:

ChronicallyOnline · 08/06/2022 15:10

My partner & I have been together for 2.5 years now. When we started living together, myself & my daughter was introduced to 3 his teenage kids (twins - 15 years & girl - 17 years) mid 2020.

So in 2020 when the kids were 13 and 15, their father only introduced his children to you and your child AFTER you moved in together? Did you do the same with your daughter and only introduce her to your partner after they'd moved in. That choice always had the potential for disaster and two of them being autistic also adds more challenges, is there a reason he chose not to give the children time to meet you and your child beforehand? That's a lot for all the kids to have to navigate and 13/15 there'll have been puberty, lockdowns, and all the general covid shit too.

We all got on fine until I had a row with their dad on New Years 2022 & everything changed. His son took a shine to me before 2022 because he's autistic like my daughter but on different sides of the scale. I apologised about the row to them & he said "it was such a pathetic apology" to his dad. It upset me. So now, he lies about why he's not around us every 2 weekends & Wednesdays.

I've just seen the post about the content of your row, so his autistic son basically heard you complaining that he was there a few extra days, you can't see how that would massively hurt his feelings, especially as he "took a shine" to you?

I'm not surprised it's changed his relationship with you and he feels unwelcome. Just because you said sorry it doesn't mean he won't internalising those comments. You can't expect him to not feel how he feels after hearing that. You say he lies about why he isn't there every other weekend? What do you mean by that? Has he stopped having contact with his dad and what lie is he telling?

If you're rowing about the children I'd call it a day, is your own daughter hearing these rows too? I don't think the dad is putting his own childrens feelings first if I'm totally honest, it sounds more like he's digging his head in the sand and pretending not to see the emotional damage to everyone, you, your daughter and his children.

I don't think you're a witch. It sounds like the children haven't had the chance to know and understand each other and have all just been expected to muddle along and then the children are hearing hurtful comments from you both and it's not healthy. Putting the children, on both your parts, would be you both splitting up in my opinion.

Moosake · 08/06/2022 15:14

I'm not surprised the relationship with the DSC is now strained after your last update tbh. I don't blame you for being all like hello do I not get a say?! But its going to hurt the kids.

Bananarama21 · 08/06/2022 15:23

You both haven't considered your dc at all. I'm guessing this was a lockdown relationship and you rushed moving in together before you even met his dc. I think inregards to the arugement he is right your dd is there all the time why can't he spend extra days with his dc. It reads like you want to be a priority before his own dc. This relationship sounds like its doomed to fail in all honesty too much too soon. Those dc shouldn't have heard you augmenting about them that was disgraceful.

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 08/06/2022 22:47

You need to read a book called stepmonster (it's enlightening and a game changer).

I would also say that you never argue in front of the kids. I don't also think your a monster I think what happened is you weren't you don't want his kids to visit but wanted to be part of the discussion. Any non Nt kid would get this logic if explained to them but it sounds like it hasn't been explained so the kids drew their own conclusions. You have to be very direct with non Nt kids. You have to tell them that this wasn't about them (if indeed I read that right.

Re dD your DH should be stamping out being unkind via the kids as his refusal to engage and stop this is a attack on you proxy of the kids and regardless of how annoyed he is about you, you don't involve the kids . Via versa. He sounds a bit checked out, you need to either hash this out properly or everyone's gonna be unhappy.

Also just remember there isn't a set or agreed timeline for people getting together with kids. There literally is no rule book so don't let people tell you otherwise.

ForeverFleur · 08/06/2022 23:01

sounds shit for all the children involved. Live separately, don’t drag them into your romances

Original poster

Madboutcats · 08/06/2022 23:13

A little bit of background, I am a deaf person. Also, his kids & I used to get on quite well until New Years. I waited til they went to bed to speak to him but it got heated & they heard us. We live in a house, not a flat so they were upstairs & we was downstairs. Then, after I went upstairs to my bedroom to calm down , he followed & carried it on. I explained it all to my daughter the next day even though she doesn't understand emotions people have due to her autism & learning difficulties, I still reassured her. He doesn't communicate like that to his kids.

OP posts:

Moosake · 09/06/2022 07:18

You need to read a book called stepmonster (it's enlightening and a game changer). it really is. They should give a copy to every potential step mum when they give their notice of intent to marry haha

Moosake · 09/06/2022 07:21

I think your DH is the one who needs to help repair the relationship really, not quite sure how, but if he wants it to work he needs to be able to help his children tall to you! Do you go on day trips or meals out ever? I totally get if you don't, I'd be reluctant in this case.

stairgates · 09/06/2022 07:24

They sound spiteful, I would.think about finishing it with him, its sounds horrible for your daughter.

CallMeNutribullet · 09/06/2022 07:33

It doesn't sound like the kids have done anything wrong other than look at your daughter "strange". They overhead an argument you had with their dad saying you didn't want them there so it's left them with an impression you don't like them.

converseandjeans · 09/06/2022 07:49

I can see his point tbh - he wanted to spend time with his children over new year & you kicked off about them staying longer. I imagine they felt really unwelcome. Why do you get to decide when he sees his children?

bigbird50 · 09/06/2022 08:03

I have read your other threads. Your DD has complex needs but is now also violent and aggressive and leads to your partner leaving the house. Your mum looks after your DD at times and you have an issue with his DC being at the house. You had one thread complaining that you had back pain and didn’t want his kids in the house as your DD was at your mums. You are angry your partner doesn’t help manage your daughter when she is being violent. It sounds like your expecting a lot from him and his DC are to tip toe round the situation. I would suggest you move out and get support for yourself and DD.

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