Stepson issues

[Confused224]

SWEARY WORDS BELOW

I’ve been with my DW for 5 years, married for 3. We have a DC together who is 5 months and she has two other DC. Neither of them have contact with their other natural parent and have not done so since they were very young.

The issues are with the older one, who’s 13. It’s relentless and has led to me to question whether I should leave my marriage. We own a house, mortgage is in my name. I do the vast majority of day to day things for all three children - washings, ironings, meals, school lunches, general housework, taking to hobbies etc. Our baby isn’t sleeping through yet so I haven’t had a single night of undisturbed sleep for many months. I’m still on maternity leave and my DW works full time.

I could list a million examples of why I’m at this stage. He’s rude, arrogant, selfish and completely unpredictable in his behaviour, mostly towards me but to both of us.

He refuses to do things such as make his bed or bring his washing downstairs, unless he wants to do so (“Fucking make me, try it”). He enters our room when I’m trying to settle the baby and when I ask him to go, he stands over the bed and refuses (“What you gonna fucking do? Go, put your hands on me, do it.”). Doors are slammed constantly and he shows zero regard for the sleeping baby or anyone else. For the record, there’s no violence, he like to challenge as he knows it won’t happen, calling me names like a poof and a wimp for being scared of him.

I’m not scared of him, obviously, but I can’t react.

Last night, everything was absolutely fine then he asked to hold the baby right at their bedtime, so I said no. I explained why, that I was trying to settle them and brush their teeth (we’ve just started this as their first tooth has shown up) and he accused me of “only caring about yourself and the baby”, which is complete rubbish. I asked him to leave the room several times and he refused. Instead he stood at the door saying “cunt” over and over again. I couldn’t count how many times in the last few days I’ve been called a bitch, fat cunt, faggot, dick, cow. Anything, everything. He’s told me to die, that he he wishes I burned to death in a fire. Nothing seems to be off limits.

He’s lost all privileges (for another issue a few days ago) - electronics, pocket money etc, but the impact of this is negligible, to be honest.

My biggest concern is my baby growing up in a home where they think it’s ok for their Mum to be spoken to like that, to be challenged to a fight by a teenage boy. I can’t do that, it feels like a complete disservice to my child.

My DW feels she has exhausted all options with him, sometimes she literally says “I don’t know what else to do”. I told her last night that I was questioning things and feel that I may be forced to go, which I think scared her. I don’t think this is her fault; he’s so unbelievably challenging. By far the worst behaved child I’ve ever come across.

Any advice, suggestions etc?

You are going to get loads of replies talking about what he's been through, if he has additional needs, what you have done to help cause the situation etc.

Ignore them all, this behaviour is appalling and while he may not be stronger than you now, he soon will be. My 13 year old is bigger than me, he's adult height and a wall of muscle from swimming 8 hours every week.

He's wouldn't harm a fly, but if he behaved the way your SS does, he'd be terrifying.

You don't deserve this, your baby certainly doesn't. This relationship isn't safe for you, 13 is the beginning of the hormones. I'm so sorry you are going through this when you should be enjoying your baby.

What Luna said about the dammed usual rubbish responses on here.

The thing is for step families to survive you need iron clad boundaries in all areas (I say this as a schools of a step family and as a step mum) and that means everyone has to acknowledge that don't deserve this behaviour or excuse it anyway. No apologies because the behaviour you have deceived is vile.

not your 100% in your right to say no not for me. Whatever has caused these issues (and I'm not getting lost down that rabbit hole) it's ultimately it's not your responsibility to fix. It is up to the parents to fix or deal with. It's easy for parents to go I don't know when you have step parent who takes all the blows that would usually cause a parent to act. Useful beating and defection tool a step parent.

Everything that @lunar1 has said & that @candlesandpitchforks has reiterated.
This is appalling behaviour that cannot be pinned on "what he has been through".
I would in no way feel my baby was safe here & in truth I would be gone.

I’d have to leave that situation immediately. I don’t know how you’ve managed to put up with it for so long. At the risk of getting abuse on here for admitting I’d lay my hands on a child, I can honestly say that if I was in the bedroom settling my baby and I had that little gobshite repeatedly shouting cunt at me and refusing to leave, I’d have ragged the evil little fucker out of the room by his throat

From my own experience of mum to a teen... sadly I think it's a teen thing. My own (who lives with both their biological parents) whilst not as bad as you describe is capable of being a complete nightmare currently. The language/attitude I think is about testing boundaries. They know they are safe at home. That they are not going to be hurt for acting out. It doesn't make it any easier as a parent I know.

I would leave and I would take the baby with me. That isn't the right environment for a new baby to live in.

God you poor poor thing.

I do the vast majority of day to day things for all three children - washings, ironings, meals, school lunches, general housework, taking to hobbies etc.

What the fuck is this all about? You’re the one who’s just had a baby, you’re on maternity and recovering from birth, why are you doing everything for all 3 especially when the older two aren’t yours?!

I’d tell her to leave. Now. It’s hard for her her son is so out of control but it’s not your problem and it’s not in your power to solve. You have to protect yourself. You have to protect your precious baby. Those are your priorities. They have to be.

No one else will do either.

Tell her it’s over and you have no choice but to ask them to leave.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time but I have to completely disagree this is remotely normal behaviour. I have a 13 year old DSC, I know a lot of kids around this age and not one of them would want to talk or act like this and they sure as hell wouldn’t get away with it if they did.

I’d have no one in my house calling me a cunt, least of all in front of my young child. No fucking way.

All of Anne has said ^ and then some !

Could you try having a family meeting and discuss boundaries and house rules. Expectations of family life, what each person wants from family life?
trying resorative parenting
www.behaviourmatters.org.uk/a-restorative-approach-to-parenting/

@lunar1 I’ve been making the point RE how big/strong he will become for ages. He’s not taller or stronger at the moment but it’s probably a matter of time. I definitely think that this thing is taking something away from my time with the little one. In my head maternity leave was full of cheesy baby classes, not covering his ears to try to lessen the noise as he sleeps. Even writing that last sentence breaks my heart.

@candlesandpitchforks Thank you, to be honest I was expecting a barrage of “how can you support the child?” comments so it’s refreshing to read what you wrote.

@Magda72 I understand that, completely. I’m edging closer every day at the moment. I was so worried to say last night that I was thinking of leaving, but it’s the truth. It’s such a difficult situation when a third party is effectively jeopardising your whole marriage.

@Ihatethenewlook Your feelings on that situation are relatable and totally understandable. I didn’t touch him because it obviously very much illegal to do something like that but I could feel the rage rising within me the whole time. I had a feeling he was pushing for a reaction. I think in an ideal world for him, I’d have stood up, smacked him hard, then he could’ve painted me as the wicked stepmother.

@LittleOwl153 Do you think this is reasonably within the realms of normal? I honestly dread what’s ahead at 14, 15 and so on.

@AnneLovesGilbert It’s just kind of happened that way, unfortunately. My DW works in a demanding job and as I’m here, it’s just fallen to me. As I’m sitting typing this, I think I’m done with doing it all for them.

In the defence of my DW, she has defended me to the hilt and has taken a very hard line with him. I don’t want to lose her (especially because of another person) but it all comes back to the safety and general well-being of my baby. I didn’t bring them into the world for it to be like this.

As I read this you appear to be in a same sex marriage ? Is he angry about this or is has he mentioned it to his mother? Before I go on - let me just be very clear, this is NOT an excuse for this appalling behaviour but it may be an explanation. ?

You say you have been together for 5 years and married for 3. Has he always been hostile towards you or has this got worse as he has entered secondary school and puberty where his peers may be aware of his family set up and do not have the emotional intelligence to understand that relationships between parents come in many different forms.

13 year old boys are not known for their easy acceptance of anything out of the mainstream especially if his 'mates' are uneducated oafs. Is there a possibility that he is being teased/bullied at school. ?

If this could be the case then he needs some 1-1 counselling to grow up and learn how to tell 'his mates' to fuck off..

His mother needs to talk to the school, get this sorted. In the meantime you need to move out until she takes action and his behaviour improves. It doesn't need to be the end of the relationship but it does mean different homes in order for your baby to be in a calm environment.

@Eddiesferret Thats’s correct, yeah. There have never been any issues with it and when he’s being decent he’ll ask me for something his Mum would say no to, and when I reply “oh I don’t know about that, you should ask your Mum”, he’ll laugh and say “but you’re my Mum too!”. Not sure about friends at school etc, it’s a possibility. He’s certainly not said anything to that effect but that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.

I think a big factor putting me off leaving, ending the marriage or changing any aspect of the setup is that my DW would obviously want shared custody of our baby. If I live elsewhere, the baby will be here without me, which means I can’t protect him. It’s almost akin to being in an abusive relationship.

I would imagine this issue is at the route of this. Something about the lhis glorious litany of swear words including the word 'faggot' .. it's extremely homophobic abuse.. and he has heard it somewhere.

I am also not convinced that in himself he has a problem with SS parents but the chances are there has been 'your mums a faggot' type taunts from the less enlightened of his peers which he is projecting on you. Especially if this has only been fairly recent /since puberty.

I think you will need to get some specific legal advice about safeguarding the baby from your SS behaviour. Just because he hasn't been physically violent it doesn't mean that verbal abuse is ok.

In cases of a harmful environment with an abusive partner - social services would expect (and demand) no contact on risk of losing your child. This seems a similar situation.

You need very specific legal advice. From a family lawyer well versed in blended family scenarios. Even if you don't actually divorce, you need to know where you stand should things escalate further and l staying is no longer an option.

Root even 🙄

This is absolutely not normal behaviour for a teen - I have lived with three of them, all of whom have gone through marriage break-ups and two of whom discovered their mother was gay. As some others have said it could be that he's being teased in school but even if that's the case it doesn't excuse his disgusting treatment of you. There's no way I could be spoken to like that in my own home - your wife needs to deal with the situation and back you up.

What’s your wife tried? Parenting course/ social
services/ therapy? I think at this point she needs to source help from outside the family to deal
with his behaviour as it doesn’t sound like normal behaviour management is working.

Nonsense. This is not a normal teen behaviour, and saying so isn't fair to most teens.

This is completely unacceptable, way beyond the pale.

There's no easy answer here. I think I'd leave with my baby, so you can focus on your baby and keep them safe.

Doesn’t sound normal. What did his mother do the very first time he swore at either of you?

I can understand your dilemma about leaving but even if you stay, a huge amount rests on your DW’s handling of this. Have you told her how you feel? That you’re considering splitting because her son’s behaviour is unbearable?

Huw does it work with same sex marriages and babies? I mean
biologically the baby is surely just yours? I understand you are married, but is your wife on the birth certificate?

I do agree the teenager bits are just typical testing of boundaries and ultimately you should maintain these boundaries as agreed by the child's mother. This is the issue, you may feel you don't want to as it's not your child, you have the baby to deal with and you need to be sure your DW will back you up ( this is an issue even in non- step families with partners undermining each other.)

*How

All that @AnneLovesGilbert has said with bells on.
For you & your baby safety & peace of mind. You really really should ask your wife to leave.
Sorry OP

As for the situation with shared custody if you
Left. I would refuse. She can see the baby without dss, in your home or a neutral location.

I would move heaven & earth to protect my baby & so should you. I do understand it's hard but it's a safety issue.

You said your wife doesn't know what to do but what has she actually done so far? Has she tried to get help from his school? Social services? Family therapy? Individual therapy for him?

This is serious, you're being abused in your own home and now it's affecting your child.

You need to do everything you can to protect the baby. Did you say the house is in your name? If so, you need to tell your wife and her children to leave. Even if that means returning to work earlier than planned so you can still pay the mortgage.

If the house isn't in your name, get legal advice before you do anything.