Nearly 13 year old phone issues

[stepdaughterhelp]

Hi, first time posting here so be kind please!

Dsd is nearly 13 and basically not being very nice to her mum atm.
She comes to ours every other weekend usually (when she wants to, we don't force this)

She has been given way too much freedom with her phone imo and that is the opinion of her dad too because now, no1 can get it off her. Her mum tried to take it off her before and it really kicked off to the point of threatening behaviour and running away.
She stays up all night on it talking to older boys. There have been issues with her running away and threats to kill herself if she doesn't get her own way. So I think her mum etc is scared of her to be honest !
She refuses to go home to her mums when she's trying to discipline her and wants to stay at her grandparents house because they let her do as she likes basically...
I'm posting this because I feel it's relevant to why she shouldn't be on her phone all night.
Sometimes on WhatsApp it says she was last seen at 3:00am etc !

Anyway my point is, would removing her phone for the night at around 10pm be a terrible idea ? She couldn't be trusted to come off it herself and stay off it.
Thanks

I know what you're saying is right but other than dragging her here by her hair what else would you suggest?

@jubileetrain its so much more complex than that in these situations. I’m assuming there is a court agreement. I’m assuming also that the paternal mother actively alienates the SD from the father when it suits her. I’m assuming that years of that behaviour have already instilled a lack of trust between SD and her father. I’m also assuming that the SD will favour whoever bows to her every whim on any given day.

Behaviours that have already been set in process take years to unpick have already very unhealthily been rooted into the SD. I suspect also that the SD was weaponised by the mother very early on in the divorce and this theme continues now. It’s not a case of the DH not doing well enough, it’s about getting the mother to stay up and parent properly.

As always the dads get the bashing on here along with the step mum whereas he’s the one trying to find strategies and solutions.

Thank you @Dollyparton3 I'm not very good at getting my written point across but you have hit the nail on the head. Everything you suspect is correct.
We're not perfect humans but have always tried our best by dsd.

I feel for you OP, lots of assumptions on my post but all follow the “type” we seem to have in our situation.

in the end we had to stand our ground with SD and say “our house, our rules” but that was after years of her guilting, manipulating and Bullying DH. When SD stopped visiting the exw barely paused for breath before she asked
for more maintenance (pay per view child anyone?)

it’s not as easy as putting your foot down I’m afraid though. I think we struggled,
bit our tongue, put up with tantrums, threats, histrionics for 7 years. When SD finally became an adult and a social
media event generated by SD targeted and threatened me personally I put my foot down. (By then she was an adult and it was a conscious action on her part) I have no regrets about the time we spent trying though.

I would say that if things are as bad as you say with exclusions and threats then your dp should ask for a meeting at school to discuss her behaviour. Maybe someone at school could take a look at her phone with a view to safeguarding to see what the chats are about and whether she is engaging in unsafe behaviour.

It is fairly clear that unless both parents agree on how to approach she is going to step up the aggression and suicide threats. I would also have a good think about how much you can take as I have seen situations like this where the other parent says they will sort out the situation and then end up wishing they had not as the child makes allegations, runs off and generally behaves in an unacceptable way. Get some books about parenting challenging teens and then decide what you can and can't cope with. In an ideal world, you would take her in, give firm boundaries and she would eventually comply and all would be lovely. This is often not the case.

I'm not trying to bash anyone, just making the point rhat of mum isn't protecting his child then he should be

Have read the book stepmonster ? It's bloody Brillant.

The bar is higher for step mum and mums in general but frankly no one is putting in 110% into this.

Can you get a lock timer box that her device goes into. I think the thing is while she knows she can say I'm not coming for visitation she has you by the long and curlies. You can't control what mum does in her house but I doubt she will want DSD full time or the grandparents long term.

I would remove the phone and say you don't wanna come that's fine but your still not getting your phone back. Let her scream, let her fuss and let her not visit, she needs to know having a paddy doesn't get you what she wants. You know the phase what would you do if it was your kid bandied on in here ... well apply it.

If you don't do this about a phone, you might have worse problems done the line.

Just so you know we had to do this with my SD, oh the drama and me and DH were like nope. Funnily enough mum followed suit soon after because we had taken the first hit as the bad guys. What happens if you all become the bad guys ?

This is a child safety concern. She will not die without unlimited internet access via mobile.

This isn't really a step issue.

Oh lord what was put on social media dolly ? Sorry I'm nosy ! Glad you put your foot down

This sounds like a time bomb, OP.

it’s really interesting to get insight from @Dollyparton3 who has been there. But this sounds like an urgent situation. If things are already so badly out of control with a 12yo they can only escalate if there’s no intervention. Nudes on internet, drugs, stealing, Pregnant, sex trafficked etc etc.

If her mother and grandparents won’t get on the same page with DH then it sounds like he needs to invoke every bit of professional help he can, from the school and social services.

I’d love to tell you but the Daily Fail would have a field day with the story! Think trolling online with a bunch of teens then threatening me through other channels to my private account which doesn’t have my name on it so she was basically recruiting twatty trolls to bully me. It was brutal.

I suspect this part of the post isn’t going to help the OP much (sorry OP.)

Sorry @candlesandpitchforks that last post was for you, I didn’t tag you properly

If she's talking to older males you have a safeguarding concern. Your DH is the parent and if DSD's mother can't take control then your DH needs to step up and do it.
If she's on her phone till 3am you have, at best, a behaviour concern, but it needs stopping.
She's 13, she's a child. Clear boundaries set including a hand-in time at night, and she needs to have opportunity to practise them or phone is removed, end of. This will probably mean some v challenging behaviour but you ALL need to sing from the same hymnsheet on this one and stand firm. You are the adults, you are the parents, and you are in charge.

I'm getting frustrated. Both of her parents are letting her down.

Yes.

Your dh is letting her down as is her mother.

Stop the phone immediately. Your house, your rules. If she stops coming - go to court for contact order if need be.

As a pp says if you and your dh step up and be the "bad guys" aka good parents then she'll probably fall into line.

But (and this is important) it MUST be done regardless or
You are all willing participants in a 12 years olds manipulative game playing.

This is a child in need of parenting.