Nearly 13 year old phone issues

[stepdaughterhelp]

Hi, first time posting here so be kind please!

Dsd is nearly 13 and basically not being very nice to her mum atm.
She comes to ours every other weekend usually (when she wants to, we don't force this)

She has been given way too much freedom with her phone imo and that is the opinion of her dad too because now, no1 can get it off her. Her mum tried to take it off her before and it really kicked off to the point of threatening behaviour and running away.
She stays up all night on it talking to older boys. There have been issues with her running away and threats to kill herself if she doesn't get her own way. So I think her mum etc is scared of her to be honest !
She refuses to go home to her mums when she's trying to discipline her and wants to stay at her grandparents house because they let her do as she likes basically...
I'm posting this because I feel it's relevant to why she shouldn't be on her phone all night.
Sometimes on WhatsApp it says she was last seen at 3:00am etc !

Anyway my point is, would removing her phone for the night at around 10pm be a terrible idea ? She couldn't be trusted to come off it herself and stay off it.
Thanks

Sorry I should add - We haven't exactly been on the ball with the phone thing either whilst she's here ! We used to tell her switch it off at a certain time but we dropped our guard somewhere along the line and she has full access basically !
We're not innocent in this as we could've been stricter. But do want to put a stop to it now because it's become a big issue.
Especially her behaviour, it's terrible it really is and we think that regulating her phone use is at least something we can do our side to maybe crack down on it?
Her mum is now too scared to take her phone off her because of the reaction that happens but she knows this and will use it to her advantage aswell

Been here unfortunately OP. My SD was 13 when our problems started, her mum had no rules in her house and so whenever we tried to enforce any rules in our house she hit the roof. DH took her phone away once and she hit the ceiling, then she refused to visit for months.

Unfortunately if you have a manipulative SD the root of the problem is with both parents agreeing rules and sticking together. In the absence of that she'll lead you all up the garden path. Our SD is pretty much feral now and her Mum refused to enforce any rules so take it from me, your DH can be the best dad in the world on this, if the other house isn't on board you'll just be the bad guys

@Dollyparton3 thanks for replying. But you've basically said what's happening atm, I didn't want to come on here and bash her mum but being honest there have never been any rules that side and she has been extremely spoilt by her grandad since a young age. It's made her the way she is atm and I know that sound awful. And yes feral is the word. And I worry because she's only 12, what is she going to be like in two years ??
Her mum has said she's not going to take her phone off her again because of what happened last time, and if we implement that rule here she will just refuse to come here so not sure what we're meant to do ?
I won't be bossed around by a child and I'm certainly not scared of a child either but I do think she will refuse to come and that will affect things our side

I think you need to separate the phone from the issue ie her poor behaviour.
She can have her phone and still be told when her behaviour is rude. She is a teen. Many kids his age regardless of how strictly they have been brought up start acting up. In most families they see this as being the result of puberty. In step families there is a temptation to view this as an issue of upbringing by the other parent. She may well be spoilt but that is not necessarily the reason for her behaviour now. You might be better off taking the phone out of the equation as it obviously has the potential to raise the temperature of any interaction you have with her. I am assuming the mum has decided this and she might be right. It is not necessarily weak to pick your battles.

@cansu thanks for replying. But surely it isn't okay to allow her to continue with having full, unrestricted access to her phone and let her stay up til 3-4am on it on school nights ?

Exactly what you’re worried about played out here OP and I sat and watched SD bully my DH for years. Didn’t get what she wanted? Withheld contact to punish him. Her grandparents also play favourites and her narcissist grandmother undermines all attempts to parent her.

I can only offer experience and our experience was that she progressed to instagram obsessed by 14 and refused to keep a private profile. Her images got increasingly smutty and nobody could persuade her otherwise. To be fair, her mum was always terrified of her and runs away to her room and cries whenever SD lays into her according to our SS.

it caused wars and rifts that lasted months. Don’t be us, but the root lies with her mum laying out her stall and what she expects early doors here

What happened last time the phone was taken away?
does she have a contract- eg could you just turn the wifi off?
DS who is 12 isn't allowed his phone in his bedroom at night- - we've been fine because thats always been the rule (he's a PITA with other screens). Some of his friends have been pushing the boundaries with phones- one of them after a couple of warnings had his phone taken away permanently and now has a dumb phone with very limited allowance. I think its fine.
if you just kept her phone at yours - what would her mum do

No way should a young person have their phone in their room at night!

My DH and I have started leading my example and leave pur phones downstairs as our DD14 wanted to take her phone to bed. Hell no!

I'm a high school teacher and see the fall out from kids have 24/7 access to phones everyday.

I have DC aged 12, 14 and 16. The rules around phones are: no phones at mealtimes, and the younger two leave their phones downstairs overnight. A good night's sleep is so important at this age.

OP, I also recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour about teenage girls.

This is so tricky and I feel for you. Are you able to agree with your Step Daughter’s Mum and grandparents how to proceed? This would ensure that she would not have different rules at different houses. Once there is mutual understanding/ agreement between the adults I would sit her down and explain as a family.

It is important to check a child’s phone. I know some on here scream about privacy and human rights…. They are right when it comes to privacy in the bathroom or bedroom but when the world can access a child, the only protection a child has is their family. Explain that you will be checking the phone and if she refuses to give up passwords etc etc then the phone/ access is removed.

I’ve spent many hours in my job trying to help families and youngsters repair the damage from unrestrained internet access and social media, and the truth is a lot of the damage cannot be undone, nor can age inappropriate content be totally removed. From what you are saying it is highly likely there will be inappropriate chat/ data on her phone possibly inappropriate relationships. Changes are also needed to get her back to a sensible sleep routine, she must be exhausted and this will also be impacting her behaviour ( never mind what it must do to her concentration levels at school).

Your Step Daughter needs protection, even if she cannot see it, even if you are all screamed at and hated for a few weeks. Young people are often preyed upon and unrestricted, secretive access coupled with anger and threats from her indicates there may well be more going on that is age inappropriate.

It will be tough changing her access and I would start from the point that you have noticed her behaviour has changed you love and are worried for her and you recognise now that some boundaries need to be put in place to protect her. I’d even apologise to her for not doing this sooner ( hopefully will let her see that adults can get it wrong and acknowledge this ) but that the changes to her access are non negotiable.

Its fantastic you have recognised this and have spotted the warning signs. Not easy, at all but she needs your protection and for the short time this is going to be hard for both you and her. Good luck.

She stays up all night on it talking to older boys.

I would be removing her phone completely.

She's withheld contact before and also her mum has done it over the years when she was little which I know isn't okay.
She does try and play us all off against each other, if something isn't going her way that side she will suddenly want to come here. But only If she can't go to her grandparents first as she does know we're a little stricter.
I guess I'm just confused as we're being told not to do something because she will kick off but I can't see it right letting her continue the way she is with it !

It is't ideal no, but you have also allowed this and have oly just decided that this is an issue. Is the only problem, the phone use or are there problems with her behaviour? I think fixating on the phone is a red herring. How about encouraging her to plug it in on the landing to charge after 11pm? This would be the time she should be going to sleep anyway. Maybe you could do the same with yours to show it is more about healthy sleep than control. At the moment for her it is about control and winning. You need to change that.

Thank you for all the replies ! I would reply one by one but will take me forever !
We considered just turning the wifi off but she has a contract phone payed for by mum so has data. So that won't make a difference !
I've seen something called ourpact, do we have to put an app on her phone to use this ? As not sure we'd be able to get into it password wise and she would just delete it anyway !
Her mum is scared of her definitely, but I remember being scared of my mum, when did the tables turn ?!

It is for her own good it's not to punish her, she's talking to older boys etc and staying up talking to them all night, she's 12!! God knows what else is on there and she has Snapchat insta etc so WhatsApp is only the tip of the iceberg.
She has bags under her eyes and looks shattered. She is in trouble at school when she actually goes in too so yes the tiredness contributes to the next school day

She is 12 and all the adults in her life are failing her. Remove the bloody phone. She will not just be at risk during the night, predators operate by day as well.

We've always thought it was an issue but as I've admitted have been lax too, sometimes yes it's easier to pick your battles but enough is enough now it can't carry on can it ?
Her behaviour is bad. She is in permanent isolation at school, runs away, threatens violence and to kill herself
Apparently into drinking and smoking but that's come from her mum we have no evidence of that. Hanging around with older kids who no doubt influence her behaviour
She has always had everything she wants, never gone without. To the outsider would seem the perfect little life. But she has been spoilt and I believe it's created a monster. I'm sorry if that sounds awful I don't mean it too I'm just trying to be honest. Myself and my husband have fought and fought for access since she was little, gone to court several times, always provided a loving home environment when she's here and tried to be good parents/step parents.
Again as I said. We're not innocent on the phone front but surely someone has to try and put a stop to it now it's becoming part of the behaviour ? If she can't contact these older kids/boys throughout the night surely that's something

When we only have her eow we can't remove the phone permanently. Her mum would go mental as she pays for it so sees it as hers.

In my opinion this child is too young mentally to have a phone at all, but she definitely should not be allowed to stay on it until the early hours of the morning! How does she manage to get up for school? Her mum needs to grow a backbone and stand up to her DD. The girl NEEDS boundaries, not a bunch of ineffectual adults too afraid to parent her. I’m not sure what you personally can do about the situation OP, but surely the kids father could get together with her mum and devise a plan to parent their child ‘together’ whilst living apart.

In all honesty the phone is the tip of the iceberg. Her parents need to sit down, ideally with a family counsellor to come up with a parenting plan and stick to it. It's not too late but they need to set aside differences for the sake of their daughter. You, the mums dp if applicable and the grandparents need to them follow the plan

When we only have her eow we can't remove the phone permanently. Her mum would go mental as she pays for it so sees it as hers

This is an absolute cop out and her father needs to step up. A twelve year old child needs protecting, let the mother go mental

You're right I probably can't do anything but have posted for advice as they can't co-parent well and my dsd knows this so it does get used to her advantage. It's been helpful to hear others opinions and experiences.

@jubileetrain you haven't met her I'm afraid and the shit she dishes out, it's not as simple as taking her phone off her permanently and sending her home without it.
We just want to do what we can at our house whilst she's in our care. Yeah we'll be the bad guys but it's in her best interests.

Wow. My DD is 12.5. All devices are switched off and put onto charge in a communal area by 8pm until 8am. I have / will have parental controls on all of my DC's phones / iPads until at least the age if 13, as they are still children.

you haven't met her I'm afraid and the shit she dishes out, it's not as simple as taking her phone off her permanently and sending her home without it.

I don't need to meet her to know that she isn't protecting her child so the child's father should step up.

We've wanted her to come and live with us, she refuses! It's so much harder than it seems. She moans about her mom and fights with her but then won't come and live with us as she doesn't want the rules

We've wanted her to come and live with us, she refuses! It's so much harder than it seems. She moans about her mom and fights with her but then won't come and live with us as she doesn't want the rules

She is 12. She has unlimited access to the internet. She is messaging older males. She doesn't get to decide. Her father needs to step up here and protect his child from both the predators in her phone and her own mother. I am stunned at the passive attitude here. She makes no decisions, her parents do and if one of them isn't doing it right and putting her in danger then the other needs to be better.