Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

DSS Mum wanting to break court order

22 replies

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 31/05/2022 16:05

Hello

Just need some advice. I tried to post in legal matters but instead just got opinions of being cold. We are desperately trying to act in DSS best interests but obviously don't want to give all background (but there is 6 years of this!) Being brave so put my hard hat on and posted in step parenting!

DSS mum is getting increasingly difficult to deal with re: arrangements of shared care. Court order has been in place over 2 years. Is DSS half term with DP (picked up yesterday so as not to affect normal weekend arrangements - was Mums weekend), then return to usual arrangments so with DP until Tue morn. I do school drop offs Tue to breakfast club (something that DSS really looks forward to and asks if he can attend more). Mum is stating due to not seeing her son for a week they will miss each other so she is collecting him from school Monday despite court order to contrary and DP not agreeing. She states he has anxiety and displays very poor behaviour towards attending school at her home and she needs to settle him on Monday. DSS does not display same behaviour here and has said he doesnt but doesnt know why that is.

What should DP do? He has replied saying he wants to stick to order as thinks it is DSS best interest to maintain his known routine. She does not agree. The main point being made is be flexible but DP has tried this and it is very much a one way street, which why a court order has to be in place.

OP posts:

WooNoodle · 31/05/2022 16:30

How old is DSC? I'm not sure I understand fully, is mum saying she will collect DSS on Monday evening to take to school on Tuesday but normally you drop him off Tuesday mornings. Is Monday the first day back at school and he is going from yours? If it's just one day difference I'd ask what DSC wants to do and do that.

Branleuse · 31/05/2022 16:37

I dont think this is your business really, but on its own, i dont see the issue with him going home for the night if youve had him all half term. I cant see why youd be funny about such a normal bit of flexibility. Poor kid. Its for you to drop him at school too, not even his dad.
The thread title makes it sound way more dramatic than it needs to be

GlitteryGreen · 31/05/2022 16:38

I don't really see her point as presumably she'd just be 'settling' him on Tuesday as opposed to Monday with her proposed change?

Personally I believe it's usually better to be flexible if possible BUT not in the case of someone who has already caused a court order to be required due to messing around with contact arrangements. I get the impression from your post that this isn't the first time she has tried to change the court ordered arrangements, and if that's the case then I'd definitely refuse this change as the whole point of the order is to prevent one party being able to mess things around like this.

Branleuse · 31/05/2022 16:39

Its normal that he would be more resistant going to school from hers if he is missing her

Original poster

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 31/05/2022 16:40

DSS wants to stay in his routine. Monday is his first day back, dropped off and picked up by DP from school as per a normal week. Its made more challenging as his Mum works at the school so may also bring her professionalism into question if she keeps DSS in the building rather than following the court order.

I know it may well sound like its just a night but its part of a bigger picture and trying to protect DSS as much as DP can and maintain normal routines to support him.

OP posts:

Fireflygal · 31/05/2022 16:45

If I understajd it..If he is with you from Monday to Monday then why not let mum pick up from school on Monday instead of Tuesday. It would be more rigid to stick to a court order for the sake of one evening, especially if the dad isn't able to take him to school (so you have to step in). If mum drops him to school is there no need for breakfast club as well?

I would just go with it - not an unreasonable request.

Original poster

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 31/05/2022 16:50

@Fireflygal it is important for DSS to maintain his routines for his own wellbeing. Hes very clear on this also.

OP posts:

SoggyPaper · 31/05/2022 18:18

Branleuse · 31/05/2022 16:37

It’s amazing how the concept of hold features in SP threads.

Here mum’s is home. And of course he wants to go home and get settled. That’s just natural.

Funny how ‘your house is their home’ only applies where the mum is curtailing contact. Your house is their home in all the ways that give you no control over your own home, but actually mum’s is ‘home’. The real one.

WooNoodle · 31/05/2022 18:23

i dont see the issue with him going home for the night if youve had him all half term. you mean his other home..

Anyway OP thanks for the updates I'm a bit clearer now. I think it's silly to disrupt the pattern if that is what makes DSC happiest. If he is going to go back to school from yours you've done the "settling in".

SoggyPaper · 31/05/2022 18:42

People don’t mean his other home. They really do mean home, where his mother lives.

that why the cries of ‘it’s their home’ on so many threads feels so disingenuous. Most people don’t really believe it; it’s just a stick to beat a SM with.

MeridianB · 31/05/2022 20:33

I have sympathy for any parent missing their child. BUT… if DSS is happy to spend a week away from his mother then, that should be your DH’s guide. No change to contact plan. And surely it works the other way when ex has him during hols and DH has to miss seeing him?

I guess DH could notify the school that he is complying with a court-ordered schedule by collecting on Monday and DSS’s mother should not be taking DSS home. But I wouldn’t want to be the teacher trying to prevent an angry mother taking her son.

Poor DSS having all this drama.

Vsirbdo · 31/05/2022 20:50

I think you’re going to end up needing to take this back to court. I was going to suggest asking school to hold him back for your DP to collect from the office etc but if his mum works at the school then that’s going to be tricky and I think this is heading for a scene which is certainly not in your DSS best interests. I’d suggest your DH says to her that he will be collecting his DS as per the court order and if she doesn’t comply then he’ll return it to court.

Branleuse · 31/05/2022 23:14

SoggyPaper · 31/05/2022 18:42

People don’t mean his other home. They really do mean home, where his mother lives.

that why the cries of ‘it’s their home’ on so many threads feels so disingenuous. Most people don’t really believe it; it’s just a stick to beat a SM with.

Depends really. I didnt think of my dads as my home. My dd feels quite at home at her dads, but ds1 was happy to stay at his, but didnt see it as home.
I tend to just mean home as where they live most of the time and usually the mums house, because most often that is the case

GetThatHelmetOn · 31/05/2022 23:18

In this particular case, this a battle I won’t choose. Just tell her yes and ask for an extra night in exchange. It is not worth the aggravation.

Afterfire · 31/05/2022 23:22

GetThatHelmetOn · 31/05/2022 23:18

In this particular case, this a battle I won’t choose. Just tell her yes and ask for an extra night in exchange. It is not worth the aggravation.

This.

You didn’t like the replies you got on your other thread but the replies here are very similar….

candlesandpitchforks · 01/06/2022 00:12

I think people are forgetting that sadly :mum or dads don't always know best.

If this contact is ordered by court and is what DSS needs then you have to be guided by that. Any parent should be guided by that as they are a external neutral agency that is solely focused on the needs of the child and not the adults.

If mum has a issue she can get the court to amend the contact agreement. She can't go ah no I'm gonna do what I want, because if she was a reasonable person I'm sure contact wouldn't be set up and agreed in stone via court.

I can't say I look well on my parent mum or dad who starts messing around with contact, as it's not what's best for the child.

Get your DP to go back to court if she violates it. I wouldn't be saying to back down re the night just because when does it end, lines have to be held at some point.

Sigh why is messing with contact always about control (swings both ways before anyone wants to @ me)

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 01/06/2022 09:51

Bear in mind that it is possible/likely that dss is telling his mum something different to what he's telling you. It's not at all uncommon for a child to tell one or both parents what they think they want to hear. Both parents probably want to and think they are doing the best for dss by digging their heels into their position.

Personally, given she works at the school, I would agree on this occasion. If you think it will be the thin end of the wedge and more and more requests to change routine will follow - take it back to court when/if that happens.

The worst thing for the child is to place them in the centre of an unpleasant scene and it sounds like that would be likely to happen if dad turns up to school to collect and mum tries to hold dss back.

GlitteryGreen · 01/06/2022 10:23

I think people are forgetting that sadly :mum or dads don't always know best.
If this contact is ordered by court and is what DSS needs then you have to be guided by that.

I agree with this.

Most families don't have court orders in place for nothing, they are requested when there is a reason for them - mainly one parent withholding or being obstructive about contact.

It may just be one night in question here but it all depends on the wider circumstances - is this the first request or is SS's mum often asking to chance the court-ordered contact? What was the cause for needing a court order in the first place? If it was anything to do with SS's mum changing/withholding contact then I would be very reluctant to accept any changes to the order.

KylieKoKo · 01/06/2022 11:17

GetThatHelmetOn · 31/05/2022 23:18

In this particular case, this a battle I won’t choose. Just tell her yes and ask for an extra night in exchange. It is not worth the aggravation.

I agree with this to an extent but I also think it depends on the overall coparenting relationship. The fact there is a court order in place is a red flag that the parents have not been able to work together in the child's best interest so changing it according to one parent's wishes might not be the best idea.

PeekAtYou · 01/06/2022 14:06

^^This is my experience too.

How long have they had the CAO. It might be time to go back to mediation and renegotiate things and try a different 50/50 routine.

Original poster

Sayitaintsoiwillnotgo · 01/06/2022 15:05

Thank you all so much for the advice. I do wish they could coparent successfully together but the underlying issues from many years ago seem to still hold firm despite DPs efforts to work with her not against. The court order really was a last resort to try and stop her using DSS as a weapon, and caused both parents stress and worry putting it in place. The idea of going through that again is scary, but if it can give DSS the opportunity to have their voice heard to (no matter whether we like what we hear or not) then that is a positive. He is the one that matters here.

OP posts:

XJerseyGirlX · 04/06/2022 23:38

Hi op , h and I (not dh as we are having an argument at present lol ) have 50/50 custody of 2 dsd's and have his son ( from a different mother ) with us full time. We stick to the routine religiously, as once when we did make an allowance it opened a Whole can of worms where dsd's thought they could pick and choose where they wanted to stay. We reverted back to the strict routine and it's been fine ever since.

Flip