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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

If it's not my business then nothing is 😊

38 replies

HoopDaHoop · 29/05/2022 17:22

Have recently disengaged completely with doing anything for DSC due to an argument with DH.

Basically we had an issue recently with 12 year old DSS. Won't go into the whole thing but basically he'd gotten in trouble for speaking inappropriately/meanly to another child at school, there was more to it than this, involved WhatsApp and messages ect... It went on for a little while as school got involved. It wasn't all him, the other child was involved as well and it wasn't anything sinister but obviously stern conversations needed to be had, discussions about phone use ect.

Anyway, me and DH were talking about it and I had an opinion on something and shared that. I guess he didn't agree because he got cross and told me it was nothing to do with me and I seemed like I was 'only interested for the gossip '... gossip about a 12 year old falling out with a child from school?? 🤣

Anyway .. it pissed me off because I do a lot for DSC. Upset me in fact. I said as such at the time and said if things like this are 'none of my business' then nothing is. He doesn't get to decide the things that suit him that I do for DSC are my business but the other parts, the tough parts, aren't.

I work part time so tend to do most at home, tidying kids rooms, ours and DSC, washing clothes, changing beds and so on... Not anymore. He's been having to do it all.

I'm no longer free during the upcoming school holidays to help on my days off and so on...

He's annoyed, says I'm being petty. I probably am but I don't care. He stands by that I shouldn't have given my opinion so I'm standing by this. I don't see why he should get it both ways, he's happy for me to spend my time and money on his children but they apparently then become nothing to do with me during other times. That's not acceptable to me. It's either all my business of none of it is.

OP posts:

Original poster

HoopDaHoop · 29/05/2022 17:24

Just to add, I have another DSC too who is 9.

OP posts:

Onemoresleeptogonow · 29/05/2022 17:25

I would cut dead any mention of his dc. What an awful man.
I would also be reconsidering the relationship..
Does he see you as simply staff I wonder?

Glenthebattleostrich · 29/05/2022 17:26

Absolutely agree!

GingeryLemons · 29/05/2022 17:32

He either sees you as a partner or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, why are you sticking around?

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 17:44

Well done! I don't blame you at all. It cannot work both ways.

VimFuego101 · 29/05/2022 17:50

Well done, honestly. Your DH is being a knob.

Youseethethingis1 · 29/05/2022 18:32

This is where the whole "you must treat the DSC as your own" train of thought completely de-rails. They aren't your own. The real parents know it. The child knows it. You know it.
Then things like this come up and the thing that usually isn't spoken about because silence is convenient (for the parents) is broken and they voice it - " back off, not your child".
The magic shatters.
You are free to acknowledge the truth.
You don't need to do any of the things you've been doing to make everyone else's lives easier anymore if it doesn't suit you.
Well done for holding the line. I hope he manages some time to reflect in between all the hard work of looking after his own child.

RedWingBoots · 29/05/2022 18:40

I would work more hours and make sure you are only available for your children.

Also limit the amount of household chores you do for him and your step-children - you aren't anyone's maid or slave.

MagicTurtle · 29/05/2022 18:47

You are absolutely in the right here OP.

IncompleteSenten · 29/05/2022 18:49

I think you are making your point well.

Vallmo47 · 29/05/2022 18:49

Agreed, OP. Let him eat every word.

JingsMahBucket · 29/05/2022 18:50

Well done. I agree on working more hours to beef up your savings too.

Jovanka · 29/05/2022 18:51

I am not a step-parent but I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. Cheeky fecker.

CuriousCatfish · 29/05/2022 18:56

Poor kid.

RedPlumbob · 29/05/2022 19:01

Ah yet another man who sees the new wife as nothing but a service human who should be silent.

Good for you OP.

”poor kid” - why? Cos his Dad is having to, you know, do all the parenting that he should have never stopped doing just because he met someone new? As if.

Nothingiseverything · 29/05/2022 19:07

Poor kids

ImAvingOops · 29/05/2022 19:08

Another one in agreement here. So long as you continue being friendly and kind towards the dc (which I'm sure you are) then nothing else is your responsibility. He can't have his cake and eat it - either your input is welcome or it isn't!
He should be doing all the looking after anyway. He shouldn't have been offloading this onto you in the first place!

Sexnotgender · 29/05/2022 19:12

Jovanka · 29/05/2022 18:51

I am not a step-parent but I absolutely think you are doing the right thing. Cheeky fecker.

Same here.

Totally agree with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2022 19:13

Oh piss off with the poor kids comments. Pathetic.

OP, he can’t have it both ways and you’re absolutely doing the right thing. DH would never ever tell me he didn’t want my thoughts on anything to do with his children. Especially not it expected me to do your bulk of the shit work related to their day to day care. Yours is a cheeky fucker. Hold firm.

Original poster

HoopDaHoop · 29/05/2022 19:36

It was because I disagreed with a consequence he and their mum had decided on. I know obviously that whatever they decide to do in regards to discipline is up to them but I do believe I have a right to express a different opinion to them if I have one 🤷‍♀️

Nothing poor kids about it. Their dad was capable of their care before he met me, I'm sure he'll be fine.

OP posts:

LowlandLucky · 29/05/2022 19:50

Well done Hoop As a step Mother of 3 i think you are doing the right thing.

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 19:51

To be honest I wouldn't have ever started doing that stuff for the dsc in the first place! But yes he can't have it both ways. I got told this weekend it wasn't up to me to decide something was inappropriate for youngest DSC to watch. I told him I wasn't deciding I was just expressing concern as I would with any child in the room. But it's so hard to switch off the caring!

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 19:52

HoopDaHoop · 29/05/2022 19:36

Nothing poor kids about it. Their dad was capable of their care before he met me, I'm sure he'll be fine.

I think as long as you aren't discussing this in front of the kids there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. Would he tell his mate down the pub it was nothing to do with them?! Grandma?

MarmaladeLime · 29/05/2022 19:53

Nothingiseverything · 29/05/2022 19:07

Poor kids

Poor kids? What having their dad having to do some of the looking after instead of outsourcing it?! He can't be that useless, I'm sure they'll be fine and perhaps even gain a positive view of men and housework.

Blendiful · 29/05/2022 20:01

I agree. I have had some times like this, and can be a bit like this with one DSC in particular. I involve DP in pretty much everything about my DC tho I get final say obviously and some times we do disagree. But with regards to one DSC I do feel DP keeps me at arms length with a lot of things, so therefore I keep at arms length regarding a lot too.

It means if DSC needs entertaining or getting up with, or taking out/somewhere I don't get involved.

I agree I am very much in the camp of either it's all my business or none of it is, I do what I have to but won't make life easier by doing the bits he wants me to and doesn't want to do himself for but none of the 'good' stuff. That's not how it works IMO.

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