When is it ok to redecorate?

[WildFlowerBees]

Dsd is 19 very very rarely stays with us now as she's in a relationship and we live 40 mins away from her 'world' (her words) mums house, work and her bf. She and dh do plenty together but she prefers to be close to her mum or staying with her bf.

Her room needs redecorating, is it ok to redecorate neutral so ok for guests as well as her should she ever stay?

Your partner should talk to her first, yes it's a good idea, but don't just do it, she may feel lesser a family member if you just do it, plus her dad ought to be the one to talk about it

A place under Dad's roof may still be important to her - and if it is, then in my opinion it would be wrong to make changes too soon. It's just a personal view, but I don't think the fact that she spends little time there at the moment means that she has moved on from wanting it to be there. These things can sometimes mean even more to stepchildren, who may be less certain of their place in the NRP's household to begin with. It's just decor - I would ask her first.
@Greensleeves she has made it perfectly clear where she considers her home to be & at 19 she's no longer a child.
Many sdc while liking going to their nrp's house do not consider it 'home' which is something many on this board choose to ignore time & again.

Of course, if she doesn't consider it a home and has no attachment to her room, then it would be fine to redecorate it. I'm suggesting that she be consulted first, that's all.

My parents redid my teenage bedroom when I moved out at 19. They didn't ask. They needed a guest room and while I was a bit 'whoah!' at first, I never felt they did anything out of line. I think a heads up to her as a courtesy would be nice but crack on.

She is a young adult so treat her like one.

Have an adult conversation which says - we are doing some redecorating and were going to start with your room is that OK?

I would talk to her about it first.

In a ‘together’ family redecorating would be fine at this point. But in a step family I think you’re supposed to maintain a shrine forever ….. !! I love a good double standard 😃

Spoken to her and although she rarely stays she still feels it's her room, so she's asked if we can decorate it together and we'll go furniture shopping. We'll make it nice and it'll still be her room.

That is a great outcome

How often is she planning to stay in it?

It’s positive if you feel like has gone well but please only buy furniture and pick decor that works for you and other guests.

Nice mature outcome - also reflects that at 19 - she is still young and finding her way in the world
Well done OP

That's a nice middle ground

That sounds like 'thanks DSD for your unnecessary opinion, even though I asked you, but I'll do what I want' ... unacceptable under the circumstances and could actually cause friction and damage to the family
OP stick with a blended approach

It’s your house - go for it. Redecorate now and turn it into a nice guest room.

She doesn’t live there so you don’t need to discuss it with her. Keep a drawer in there for any of her belongings. As long as she still feels welcome if / when she wants to stay.

Nice! Clearly you weren't from a split family - that kind of behaviour causes friction - be grown up and not so selfish OP

A good sensible outcome. Once room is made nicer she may even want to stay more often.

I don't think it matters now that she doesn't stay often from speaking to her it's clear she still feels she has her own room here and I wouldn't want her to feel she wasn't welcome. It'll be nice to do something together we didn't always get on so I'm quite pleased she wants to be involved.

How lovely you are I'm so pleased for you all that you found a compromise that everyone is happy with.