When is it ok to redecorate?

[WildFlowerBees]

Dsd is 19 very very rarely stays with us now as she's in a relationship and we live 40 mins away from her 'world' (her words) mums house, work and her bf. She and dh do plenty together but she prefers to be close to her mum or staying with her bf.

Her room needs redecorating, is it ok to redecorate neutral so ok for guests as well as her should she ever stay?

Of course it's fine to decorate.

What's your relationship like?

if she has 'stuff' in it then I'd ask her to bix it up while you decorate and give her a space (if she wants it) to keep all her stuff.

tell her she's as welcome as ever to come and stay but as she's an adult who doesn't stay often you don't want a room sitting there unused.

Someone's gonna come along and say Stuart you need to keep this as a live in memorial for DsD until they die as per or your evil who hates your SC

Reality is your absolutely fine to do what you suggested.

Have fun !

Seems fine to me. Have you asked her? She might just say yes, go for it

@candlesandpitchforks who’s Stuart?!

Now seems good! What’s DH’s view? It’s now a guest room and as someone who may occasionally stay over she’s welcome to stay as anyone else would be.

Now seems fine.

Have you asked her?

Must* bloody phone and sleep deprivation 😵‍💫

How much redecoration does it need? If it's still quite childish she might like it adulted up a bit anyway?

I wouldn't redecorate my child's room until they themselves told me they were ready to let it go. One of mine is 19 and at uni, he's here progressively less as he spends time with friends in the holidays, does a bit of extra work here and there...but his home is still his home, and it will be here for him until he's ready.

Has your partner tried talking to his DD and asking her how she feels about it?

I would mention it to her; when my mum wanted to redecorate my bedroom she asked if I minded and I wasn’t bothered but appreciated her asking

I'd say ask her / inform her, but ultimately I don't see the problem. It's your house.

My mum redecorated as soon as I moved out. I still stay there occasionally but it's her house and she can do what she wants with it.

Same here. My dad waited until I'd left uni though.

You need to ask her first, it's her bedroom and she's only 19!

I would ask/ let her know your plans.

I’d tell her that you are redecorating and ask if she has any preference for how her room looks.

I assume she has another bedroom at her mums which is her primary residence ... this is where she sleeps when staying at ur house to see her dad.

She 19 so I would Let her know ur going to redecorate tell her your going neutral, does she have any preference on colour.

U don't need to ask permission but informing and giving limited choice is hardly a cross to bare.

The difference is this is your child who's primary residence is your home.

Dsd has stayed 4 times in the last 12 months since meeting her bf (who is lovely!)

When she's not with the bf she prefers to be at her mums as all her friends are in the same area and her work is 10 mins away.

It isn't awful but dark grey carpet and grey curtains could do with a change and a fresh coat of paint.

I should also add the only thing she keeps at ours now is a dressing gown! It's not a nice room currently I want it to be nice and comfortable, she's welcome to stay when she feels like it but it'll just be updated.

I would let her know (well her dad can) but defintiely. 4 times in 12 months does not warrant a room, if she has a primary room at her mums and also stays with her BF, it's not really her room as such anymore. She can stay in it of course when she visits but having it as just a guest room is totally far.

If she picked the existing gloomy decor,then consult her.

I do appreciate that, it isn't her only home - but I think psychologically a child's attachment to their parent's home can run a lot deeper than it appears when they are older teenagers, preoccupied with other things and seem to want to be anywhere but there. A place under Dad's roof may still be important to her - and if it is, then in my opinion it would be wrong to make changes too soon. It's just a personal view, but I don't think the fact that she spends little time there at the moment means that she has moved on from wanting it to be there. These things can sometimes mean even more to stepchildren, who may be less certain of their place in the NRP's household to begin with. It's just decor - I would ask her first.

Of course it's fine! You're only wanting to decorate, there's still a room for her to stay in when she comes over.

I moved out properly at 19 (after being at uni accommodation for a year). Within the year my Mum had my room redecorated. When I was 20 it was completely changed so there isn't even anywhere for me to stay there anymore. I don't mind though, I don't live too far! It's her house, she can use the space however she wants, I know I'm always welcome but I'd be on the couch

If she used the room and had personal stuff in there, I'd be consulting her and leaving it be if she wasn't happy.
As it stands, she has already moved out and at 19 and spending 4/365 nights in the past year I think we can leave the whole "but its her home too" narrative at the front door. It's not her home.
As long as she's always welcome, that's enough. She doesn't need a dedicated room.

Surely if you redecorate it and make it nicer she will see it as a positive thing. She is an adult and might appreciate a more adult room.

My parents repurposed my bedroom pretty sharpish when I left home. When I needed to stay with them after a relationship breakdown and whilst i sorted a new house for myself I slept elsewhere, it wasn’t at all unsettling. I still had them as a fallback and felt welcome.