Step son telling lies

RosieRooster83 · 2022-05-25T16:43:05+00:00

I don't want to post too many details as I don't want our identity to be revealed but I am getting very concerned about my step son telling lies about his dad. I'm not talking small lies but quite serious ones which he has said to a social worker and the police. He has stated that his dad has physically harmed him which I know to be untrue as well as my adult daughters know it to be untrue (all in the house at the alleged time). It's getting to the point where I'm starting to feel resentment towards step son (I know this is completely wrong to feel) but I just cannot stand lies. He has been caught out in so many lies, some small and some large. They all seem to be related to step son wanting to save his own skin from getting into trouble about something and will tell lies about anyone as long as it means him not getting into trouble and taking responsibility. I just don't know what to do, it's upsetting.

candlesandpitchforks · 25/05/2022 19:53

Ah this is tough op. The thing is about lying, you have to have a very good memory and if that is the case it will become abundantly clear when and if others get involved.

How old is your DS (I know kids go through periods of this around 8 years old) has anything changed ? Bad behaviour is the result there will be a cause (even if it's just honestly wasn't taught to him growing up)

In the meantime make sure that DP isn't alone with him for his own sake so there are witnesses if any allegations are made (if humanly possible) esp around times things DSC won't like aka punishment so the story can be fact checked and referenced.

Not much advice other than to hang on in there !

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 07:17

I was also going to suggest making sure you/DP aren't alone with DSS. Which seems a really sad thing to have to do.

Depending how DSS is and the contact arrangement DH could consider only meeting him once a week in a public place for a catch up and food if the behaviour continues and explain why. This is no good if DSS isn't even a teenager yet or he lives 50/50 with you obviously.

My eldest DSC went through a lying phase but was rubbish at it so always caught out.

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 07:18

As @candlesandpitchforks Says this does seem to be a thing at around 8 years old.

candlesandpitchforks · 26/05/2022 09:30

@MarmaladeLime right it seems to be a development age thing. Even on parenting board they usually have a 8 year old and they are like omg wtf is going on.

Abs op marmalade is right don't be alone with DSS either. As awful as that is and inconvenient.

FrazzleDazz · 26/05/2022 13:41

This is a difficult one and unfortunately we had it happen to us, with a very traumatic period of SS involvement that had a huge impact on the family as a whole. It got to the point where all allegations had to be investigated but nothing was ever found, but he now doesn't live with us at all and DH does things with him outside the family home as it became too risky to let him stay (very sad). I still hold huge resentment that I tread very carefully with but just a big hand hold OP as I know what you are going through! He is now 17 & turned a massive corner but the damage (for me anyway) is very hard to completely put aside.

Imonadiet · 26/05/2022 14:37

Yeah it's really tough. My SS did the exact same thing to his Dad, he actually marked himself and went into school claiming Dad did it. He is now 14 and started to turn a corner we hope. But we couldn't have done it without the school's help, and social services. Explore that route if you can, but also be aware there won't be much they can do unless anything is reported. Just try to contact someone to explain what's happening, so that if school have to make a safeguarding issue (and inform SS) you're already one step ahead. Hopefully it's just a phase, but it'll also depend on how his biological parents both deal with it i.e. same page, both engaged, all at once, else it will get very messy

Original poster

RosieRooster83 · 26/05/2022 15:04

Thank you so much for your responses and for being kind about the situation. I felt so bad to have those resentful feelings and knew they were wrong but I would never show step son those feelings.

Step son is 9 years old and there is a very messy court battle going on at the moment between his parents. We suspect abuse is happening at his mums house due to things step son has said (this was before we caught him lying). Unfortunately, we now have proof on an official independent document that step sons mum has even instructed him to tell lies so he is being taught from that end that it is ok.

Step son stays with us about 40% of the time, alternate weekends and a few nights in the week every other week. They also have split holidays.

There is already social services involvement which initially started due to what step son told the police about his step father and mother so the police referred it but now step son has changed his story and is saying his dad harmed him physically. So every time step son tells us something that is very worrying and we report it, step son then changes his story and makes us look like we are being malicious and making things up.

Just wanted to add that we initially believed step son that his step dad and mum were abusing him because the mum was abusive to my husband, physically and emotionally while they were together so it didn't seem unreasonable if that makes sense. I do accept now though that some of what he has said to us may not be the truth and if that is the case, step son has caused a lot of trouble.

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Original poster

RosieRooster83 · 26/05/2022 15:10

Imonadiet · 26/05/2022 14:37

Yeah it's really tough. My SS did the exact same thing to his Dad, he actually marked himself and went into school claiming Dad did it. He is now 14 and started to turn a corner we hope. But we couldn't have done it without the school's help, and social services. Explore that route if you can, but also be aware there won't be much they can do unless anything is reported. Just try to contact someone to explain what's happening, so that if school have to make a safeguarding issue (and inform SS) you're already one step ahead. Hopefully it's just a phase, but it'll also depend on how his biological parents both deal with it i.e. same page, both engaged, all at once, else it will get very messy

Both parents are unfortunately acrimonious and have parenting styles so far from each other. My husband believes in always telling the truth otherwise no one will believe you etc but the mum has actually instructed step son to lie which doesn't help at all. He is being taught that it is acceptable to tell these horrific lies.

The mum won't discuss anything with my husband regards step son and parenting issues so it's very difficult.

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Original poster

RosieRooster83 · 26/05/2022 15:12

@Imonadiet I pressed send too soon. I wanted to say I'm sorry what you went through. That sounds awful. That's what I worry about now, if he gets harmed some other way and is told to say it's his dad. Social services already believe my husband is harming his son based on no evidence at all so we have no support there unfortunately.

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Readtheroom · 26/05/2022 15:16

What has he actually been saying? I have autism and I did this sometimes BUT not intentionally. I would say something in a concerning way without thinking about how it came across and it would be interperated incorrectly by other people. Easily done

Original poster

RosieRooster83 · 26/05/2022 16:04

Readtheroom · 26/05/2022 15:16

What has he actually been saying? I have autism and I did this sometimes BUT not intentionally. I would say something in a concerning way without thinking about how it came across and it would be interperated incorrectly by other people. Easily done

Hi, it's hard to say the specifics without being identifiable on here. He has been saying that his dad physically harmed him and caused him pain which is untrue. What step son has told people would be considered child abuse which my husband could potentially be arrested for. It doesn't look like the police are taking further action as I don't think they thought it actually happened.

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candlesandpitchforks · 26/05/2022 16:30

Ah ok this makes sense he's near that age and has a lot of drama going down at home with mum and she's been doing some v different parenting styles.

I would apply the same advice I gave before usually what I say when DSC is lying the parents need to get on same page re this abs show united front or your gonna have a upward bill battle re this. My DSC is a little akin to lying (god bless her) and she's non NT so she told me and dad it's because her mum isn't very smart and easily fooled 🙄 my DP speaks to mum regularly now because both were being feed lies about each other and now have a good relationship and can tackle the lying effectively and DSC has said she preferred it when they didn't talk. She's gotten better as she's aged but this is one to handle with real care.

MarmaladeLime · 26/05/2022 17:04

RosieRooster83 · 26/05/2022 15:10

Both parents are unfortunately acrimonious and have parenting styles so far from each other. My husband believes in always telling the truth otherwise no one will believe you etc but the mum has actually instructed step son to lie which doesn't help at all. He is being taught that it is acceptable to tell these horrific lies.

The mum won't discuss anything with my husband regards step son and parenting issues so it's very difficult.

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Ah that's tricky. DSC1 liked to try and play the parents off against each other but once it became clear they would compare notes things got a bit easier.

cheninblanc · 26/05/2022 20:47

We've had this but it started at that age and never stopped. Again school involved, ss, due to the things she told about us to teachers. It was a dreadful time and i really struggled. When it was admitted as a lie she just walked back in like nothing had happened and sat opening xmas gifts, i really struggled but my dh was thrilled I moved on from it, then the little white lies started again and I'm stuck in a resentful place that is difficult, along with a fear about she'll make up next. How can you have a relationship with someone whose word you question on everything. It's impacted our family, and when that person visits we behave like 2 separate families sleeping under 1 roof. I don't have an answer to make it stop but I do understand how your feeling

Original poster

RosieRooster83 · 27/05/2022 23:12

Caught step son in more lies. He now claims that he didn't tell the social worker and the guardian that he didn't say to them that his dad hurt him. They report that he did say that. Can't imagine them lying about that surely?

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HotSauceCommittee · 27/05/2022 23:18

If you have proof, record it all, write it down with times, dates, witnesses, how it couldn't have happened with any disclosure made by your stepson about his mother inciting him to lie.
Parental alienation is frowned upon by the family courts and your stepson sounds traumatised by what his mother is doing. It is emotional abuse and you may find that if you go for full custody he will settle down as he won't be so at risk of consequences from his mother. Poor little boy