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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Please advise......

30 replies

Bug8 · 23/05/2022 15:17

My other half has a 15 year old son who lives with his mum and only spends weekends with us. To keep things short, they recently discovered he has smoked weed and he has gone as far as selling it to his friends or other kids in his school. The mum and dad have been trying to get the truth out of him and get to the bottom of the matter but he has lied to them and admitted lying claiming he did so because he knows how bad things are. Yesterday, both my other half and his ex went through my step son's phone with him around and I have been told what they discovered was really bad, him and his friends (so many of them) talking about weed/ drugs and stuff. His mum wants to involve the school and report it to the police too but dad wants to protect his son and give him another chance to sort things out. And that when he messes up again, he will proceed to take things to the authorities and also move him in with us. I don't have a problem with him living with us (well that was before things of drugs were discovered). I have a toddler and another one on the way, it scares me exposing them to issues of drugs and personally, things of drugs scare me too much. My other says it's only weed at the moment, that if it involved other drugs, it would be a big big problem.

My other half asked for my advise on the issue whether to report or give him another chance but I told him I didn't know cos to be honest, my worry is more to do with me, my kids and what my step son situation means for us. What if his drug issues get more serious and he brings them straight into our home and harm my kids? To be honest, am rather scared.

Please advise as am a confused and worried.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2022 17:28

Well I don't think it's reasonable for your DP to unilaterally decide he is moving in with you - especially with small children in the house. It sounds like he would be better off in a household without small children being put at risk (which hopefully isn't the case at his mum's) and it also sounds like his mum is prepared to deal with this properly, since she's the one keen to report it now. I don't think your DP is really thinking straight there and it isn't fair to you or your DC.

At the same time, I would try not to worry too much. Lots of teens do dabble with weed and it's more of an issue with some than others. Is his behaviour antisocial and defiant? How has he responded to being caught out?

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 17:30

but I told him I didn't know cos to be honest, my worry is more to do with me, my kids and what my step son situation means for us. What if his drug issues get more serious and he brings them straight into our home and harm my kids? To be honest, am rather scared.

too right

how old are your children?

is it your home or did he move in with you?

AndAsIfByMagic · 23/05/2022 17:31

He cannot move in with you. Put your foot down firmly.

MushNoPeas · 23/05/2022 17:46

Mums the one who wants to sort it out properly and involved the police so no, he should stay with mum or wherever else he can. Why would you willingly expose your child to this?

Greensleeves · 23/05/2022 17:51

I'm surprised either parent is considering shopping their own 15yo to the police for weed Shock

With regard to his living situation - I don't think you can reasonably refuse to have him there, personally. He is your partner's child as much as your children are, and your partner has just as much responsibility for him. I certainly would not allow anybody, for any reason, to tell me that I could not offer one of my children a home. I understand that this is contentious and many posters will disagree, but for me that would be a red line, if I were in your partner's position - and that would have been made crystal clear from the beginning of the relationship. Yes, it is worrying when teenagers bring weed/drinking/antisocial behaviour into a family with younger children, but this is a function of having children of different ages, and many many families have to navigate it without the option of excluding the older child from the home.

MeridianB · 23/05/2022 18:10

It’s not clear whether your DH has spoken with his ex about their son moving primary residence - has this happened? DH and ex need to get in the same page with the handling of all this, otherwise it will be harder to change anything with DSS.

What is the point of him moving? Would he go to a different school or be too far from his dodgy friends? Is DSS interested in changing his lifestyle or is he resisting.

You are absolutely entitled to be part of any decision about whether a drug taking and selling teenager should live with you full time. You may hear lots on here about how it’s his home but it’s also yours and you have two little ones to protect.

Original poster
Bug8 · 23/05/2022 18:50

@Intrigueddotcom, I have a two year old and baby due in two weeks' time. It's a rented property we live in but we have step son every weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bug8 · 23/05/2022 18:55

@aSofaNearYou, he has been apologising and saying he will change, he says his friends do smoke weed too and says they are good friends, but still been lying about stuff. They seem to do stuff and when you ask they do stupid things, he says for a laugh. I suppose we will have to see what happens. Seems his mum is ready to give him up so he can come and live with his dad.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2022 18:57

With regard to his living situation - I don't think you can reasonably refuse to have him there, personally. He is your partner's child as much as your children are, and your partner has just as much responsibility for him. I certainly would not allow anybody, for any reason, to tell me that I could not offer one of my children a home. I understand that this is contentious and many posters will disagree, but for me that would be a red line, if I were in your partner's position - and that would have been made crystal clear from the beginning of the relationship.

And I would (and did) make it clear that as equal adults in the household, this sort of thing would be a joint decision. He could not just choose to have him move in full time. This is to be expected when you cohabit, you will have to both agree.

He's talking about moving a troubled teen who is perfectly well looked after where he is in with a toddler and a baby for no good reason. It's irrational and in nobody's best interests.

Intrigueddotcom · 23/05/2022 18:57

The children are his?

Original poster
Bug8 · 23/05/2022 19:03

@MeridianB, they have been talking since last week trying to get to the bottom of things. My partner was thinking of getting him to a different school where we live away from his friends. Step son keeps saying his friends are good friends and that he's willing to change. He seems to say one thing and do the other and when he gets caught out, he says he's sorry he lied........the whole thing is a mess at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bug8 · 23/05/2022 19:04

@Intrigueddotcom yes, children are his.

OP posts:
justamushypea · 23/05/2022 20:50

If he's going to live with you your DH will have to step up and not be a soft option.
My DSD was desperate to live with us when she got into a similar situation but only because she knew she could get round DH. He just wasn't up for being bad cop.

She sorted herself out in the end. Hopefully this is just a blip for your DSS as well

Original poster
Bug8 · 23/05/2022 21:20

@justamushypea, that's another thing, my other half is easily trusting, when step son says something he easily believes him and so quick to blame the mum for not doing enough and seems to think that if he lived with him/ us that things wouldn't have got where they are. While the mum on the other hand is non stop and will go on and on.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 24/05/2022 17:03

I don't think the parents should involve the police, but I think it's good that he thinks they would do, as it might scare him enough to shape up.

If he gets a criminal record, it could seriously affect him for years to come.

I think the other parents should be told too.

I also agree with moving schools, although this is not a great time academically for him and could cause more problems.

beachcitygirl · 27/05/2022 18:20

It's only weed. Not ideal certainly but quite common amongst teenage boys, living with you & his little siblings could be absolutely great for him. A fresh start.

Just make sure you have complete honesty & transparency from him & he understands your rules for your house & keeping weed away from the little ones.
Your dss is still v young. Probably needs his fad to step up & be more hands on. Let him

Going to the police is ridiculous but at the end of the day that's for his mum & dad to figure out between them.

Good luck OP, hope it all works out.

MrPlopper · 27/05/2022 20:38

Agree with PP that this isn't just your husbands decision and no one gets to tell you that you can't refuse. You can. It's yours and your children's only home.

Thats not to say I think you should refuse but don't get caught in the trap of feeling like you have no right to a say in this matter. You do and that is perfectly reasonable as the other owner of the home and the mother of the children permanently living in it. In fact it's your duty as your children's mother to make sure this decision is right for them too.

Finallylostit · 27/05/2022 23:31

OPs partner is standing up and trying to find solutions - on this forum it is dump it on the parent and ban him from his parents house.

If we don't see him then not our problem and everything is fine

MrPlopper · 28/05/2022 08:33

Finallylostit · 27/05/2022 23:31

OPs partner is standing up and trying to find solutions - on this forum it is dump it on the parent and ban him from his parents house.

If we don't see him then not our problem and everything is fine

I don't think she should dump it on the mother and ban him from his dad's house.

But I do think she should be involved in the discussion not just told that he's moving in and that's that. It's her home and, importantly, her young children's home too. She absolutely deserves to put her reservations across and have them listened to.

hellsbells99 · 28/05/2022 09:26

I think the main thing that stands out to me is that he has been selling it on. This is what is most serious. He needs to realise how much trouble he could be in for dealing. Erase any messages that reference this and your DH should keep checking his phone.

KangarooKenny · 28/05/2022 09:28

Do not let him move in with you.

Greatoutdoors · 28/05/2022 09:37

I wouldn’t be moving him to live with you with such small kids. You’re right in that you need to safeguard them. It may stay at ‘just weed’ levels or it could escalate, but he’s getting involved in criminality and all that comes with it on some level, and you do r want that’s coming to your door.

However if he stays with mum she has to feel safe and in control. I think school would be her best support option. They can refer to local services which will give her support and him if he is prepared to take it. It won’t result in him getting a criminal record.

Its good mum and dad are communicating and seem to be prepared to work together on this. I can see your DH dilemma, and I can see that mum probably feels she needs a break.

aSofaNearYou · 28/05/2022 11:35

Finallylostit · 27/05/2022 23:31

OPs partner is standing up and trying to find solutions - on this forum it is dump it on the parent and ban him from his parents house.

If we don't see him then not our problem and everything is fine

It's not dump the kid and ban him from the house - it's just acknowledging that if there is a drug problem at play and both parents are able to have him, it does make infinitely more sense for him to live in the house without small children in it. They need to be considered too.

Daleksatemyshed · 28/05/2022 12:04

It's very easy to say he's young and it's only a bit of weed but your DSS has been dealing drugs as well as using them. If your DH steps up and makes his DS straighten out then fine but will he?
You absolutely should have a say in this Op and with small DC a complete ban on any drugs in the house. I hope you can all find a solution

Finallylostit · 28/05/2022 13:16

OP should be part of the discussion - but if banned from his DFs house then the responsibility sits with his DM to sort it all out - DF will be unable to engage or influence because the DS will not be seeing his DF.

Both families need to deal with it - and no point do we know if the DM has smaller DCs at home. So in a world of equity lets put the DC in care then both families can protect everyone else and abandon the child.

If the DF int his case wants to blame the mother ( as OP has said) yet she is the one taking the tougher stance - may be he should have been a bit more engaged with his DS during his life. Two parents present - he does not get to blame the mother and then have his new family exclude his children.