How do you defuse tension in your household?

[Vibing]

Dp has 3 kids, eldest 15, youngest 9.

These past 6 months the eldest has started being a full on teenager and the middle child who started high school last year is hitting that teenager huffy, ete rolling stage too.

There just seems to be so much tension. Dp has said he started to feel uncomfortable telling them off in front of me because he doesn't like himself when he does it.
It is uncomfortable for me too. My sons are grown and dint live with us and we were a chilled easy going house...we weren't shouty.

I feel like I need to peace talk them all down but as they are not mine also try to walk the line of not taking sides....cause I dont get why there shouting in the first place. Ive tried the backing my dp up....but I dont always think he's right...Great Dad, great guy, respect him massively.

Any advice on walking the blended family life line, defusing tension, supporting them all whilst giving them a kick up the backside when needed too?? Whilst being respectful that he's there dad and the main discipliner

My DSDs are generally good but obviously they have their teenage moments. I don't really tell them off or discipline them - I would only say something if they were being destructive, openly rude to me or hurting themselves or something like that. If they are getting on my nerves I just remove myself from the situation and let DP deal with it. If there is shouting I just go into another room, although to be fait this is easy as I can only think of 3 occasions of shouting in all my time of knowing them.

@KylieKoKo thanks...

Ah ok I'll prob leave them to it and give them space

How do you handle if they're leaving bits of rubbish, cups towels.....trail of food along the floor etc lol. Do you ask them to pick up their things or is that DP role to do?

I think now they've started being a bit more boundary pushing, im finding things less clear

Personally I dump it on their bed when they've left so they find it next time.

That or annoy DH and ask him to sort it out every time

Stay out of it as much as possible!
Deal with left towels etc - sometimes with kindness but telllng them you have done it and sometimes asking with no judgement in your voice for them to do it themselves.

I stay out of the bigger debates / arguments (there aren’t many but a typical pre teen strops) but if they’ve left rubbish in their room or whatever I’ll just say “oh DSC grab those plates / cups / rubbish / dirty clothes and bring them down please”

Breezy and pleasant but not optional, no-nonsense but not authoritarian. If they don’t do it I would say “oh did you bring those plates down, I’m putting the dishwasher on now”

I only do that if I see it though, if I’m passing their room or they leave crap in the living room for instance. Otherwise I shut their door and don’t get involved

We had joint house rules so I would deal with the smaller stuff - not doing chores, being impolite etc - when my stepchildren were not behaving. They expected and accepted my doing this - even if they didn't always like it! I had been a part of their lives since they were 5 and 6. It was actually the bigger stuff, e.g. difficulties my stepson was having at secondary school etc, that I tended to leave to their Dad. I just felt that then there was more of a question of the kind of trust that was built up from very earliest childhood.

This is so helpful, think im getting too involved trying to peace keep

Had a chat with DP last night and we have a plan. General house rules will be what we both call the kids and each other lol out on. The bigger stuff ill leave to him. He's said he wants to know if I think he's been too hard/soft. Not in front of the kids but after.
Just chatting about it more has eased my brain and helped my shoulders relax

Thank you for the replys and insight into your own lives with stepkids

I think you're getting too involved to be honest - leave it to your husband. In our house he sorts out his kids issues which includes asking them to pick up/clean up after themselves. I don't want to be painted as the one who is always telling them what to do.

Op is treading as carefully as she possibly can, but she’s entitled to have a say over what goes on in her own home.

@HotDogKetchup I don't disagree, what I meant was that she needs her husband to have her back and deal with his kids as and when necessary.