Should I send dd to live with her dad? Should I ask dh to move out?

[Capriciosa22]

This is probably more of a parenting issue but there's a step element to it so please bear with me if it seems rambling.
I have dd 16 and 2 older dc who are both living away from home, one working and one at uni. Dh has 3 dc aged between 17 and 23 who all still live with their mum. Due to a number of reasons they stopped coming to us overnight a number of years ago but contact with dh was always maintained and he saw them regularly at a family members home. Dh, this family member and dh's dc are all very close so this is not as odd as it might appear.
Dh's eldest has dropped out of 3 college courses and has been seeing a therapist. As he is 23 dh can get no info bar what dss tells him but dh is more and more convinced he has a personality disorder that is not being diagnosed or if it is dss is not telling dh. Dss is also refusing to work and dh is having to support him financially.
So, dh has now bought a house and is moving eldest dss in to it as he doesn't get on with his dm. The other two now want to move in to this house alongside their brother which I personally think is a terrible idea as it leaves them wide open to dealing with their brothers mental health issues. Aside from being married to me dh cannot be there full time as he often travels with work but wants to be there more due to eldest dss. Basically dh wants to move in with dss. Dh won't admit to this but that's how it is. I personally feel the entire situation is being mismanaged. I am at my wits end with the whole thing and cannot see my marriage withstanding dh's handling of his dc. Dh lives with me but has never seen me more that he sees his dc as work takes him away from his home with me also.
Now to my dd. All of mine have had a tricky relationship with their dad but he's an immensely charming character so he gets forgiven over and over again. Since her big sister went up uni dd has found my house very quite. Often it's just me and her here. She used to get on great with dh but increasingly I'm finding her more distant when dh is here. I've asked her about this and while she says she's no problem with dh she finds his coming and going in the house very difficult. She says it doesn't feel like a family atmosphere any more as her sister is gone and dh is spending less and less time here due to the above situation and dd finds it all a bit unsettling.
Dh and I are just back from a holiday (the first we've had alone in 4 years) and dd seems quite disgruntled having come back from her dads. Her dad of course spoiled her while she was with him (drove her everywhere, didn't make her walk to school, didn't ask her to lift a finger) so I get that she's probably a bit miffed being back to the daily grind with me! However, I'm also aware that she has a 24/7 stepparent in her sm and two younger siblings at her dads and despite my misgivings about his Disney Dadding her I'm really beginning to wonder if she wouldn't be better off at her dads and if I wouldn't be better off with her at her dads?
I've given blood sweat and tears to raising my dc and while the elder ones have a lot of time for me my youngest does have an attitude with me and is very much taken in by her dad in a way the elder two weren't. This combined with what's going on with dh has honestly left me feeling like I have no more f**ks to give and I basically feel I should just tell dh to properly move out and live with his son and dd to go to her dads.
I honestly am so fed up with the lot of them (including exh who deliberately spoils dd) and cannot tell if I'm justified in feeling this way or if I'm just burnt out.
I had a lovely holiday and for the first time in 4 years felt I could prioritise myself. The rest of them time I just feel like I'm everyone's emotional punching bag.
I have alot or sympathy for dd btw as I know she misses her siblings and dh has become an odd presence in the house as he's either wrecked from work or stressing about his dc. I also have alot of sympathy for dh but I am frustrated at the handling of everything.
Any thoughts to help me get my head straight would be appreciated.

Hi @DeskInUse I'm so sorry to hear you're dealing with the same. It's so very hard isn't it? I too feel very hurt and while I am determined not to get bitter it does seem that exh has had a very easy ride while I have slogged through parenthood. I also think that's why I dislike dh's Knight in Shining Armour attitude to his dc. It's undermining the years of slog and daily grind his exw put in!
I had a good chat with dd last night and yes, she is lonely here with me. Not because we don't do stuff but because the house is quiet. She said it's not that she wants to live with one parent over the other it's that she hates moving between two extremely different houses and that she never feels emotionally settled. She says she'd much rather just live in one house all the time and be able to get used to it. She says she knows that's not realistic as then she wouldn't see one parent so the whole thing has her quite upset. She also said dh's coming and going is very unsettling (I told her I find it unsettling too); that she can't fully acknowledge him as a stepdad emotionally as his presence is so inconsistent. She doesn't want 50/50 as she feels that would wreck her head more but I might try suggesting it to her again.
She didn't feel like this when her older sisters were still at home as their were two/three of them in it but she is definitely feeling the loneliness of having divorced parents now. I know she'll be fine but it's very sad.

@myrtleberry no. That dd has a job where she's at uni. She comes home when she can as we're all quite close and we often visit her and my eldest dd but all mine are very independent which I encourage.

She doesn't want 50/50 as she feels that would wreck her head more but I might try suggesting it to her again.

Why would you suggest something you know she does want?

It makes no sense at all. Just give her the freedom to move between the 2 homes as she wants to. She doesn't have much control over being a child of divorce, with 2 stepparents/ half siblings and stepsiblings... so let her decide what she wants to do in this regard.

You also initially asked if she should move to her dad's fill time...have you thought of how her stepmum would feel? Because very rarely do I seriously stepmothers jumping for joy at this prospect.

She could already be resentful about her coming over as it is, not that she should be...but it's very common among stepmums especially.

The older kids from the previous marriage are like visiting guests, who alter the dynamic of their family, minus the stepkids.

Don't put your DD on a position where her presence is resented

@SandyY2K your tone is very out of order. Firstly dd doesn't know what she wants or rather she does in that she wants ONE home but is aware that that's the one thing she can't have. I would never dream of pushing 50/50 on her but I will speak to her about it again as the longer stretches in both houses might give her a better sense of feeling settled as the back and forth isn't working for her. She is the one who has said she doesn't like it.
I am also not stupid and there is no way I would send her to her dads without first discussing it with her dad and more importantly her stepmum. My dd is not an inconvenience I want to get rid of. I want her to be happy.

@Capriciosa22

You're the one who sais she didn't want 50/50. I didn't make that up. If you got a tone, none was intended.

There's no great solution for her from what you. Going to school from her dad's isn't easy and doing homework there isn't suitable with the younger siblings.

These are all things you said she has said.

You're sounding quite defensive and that may be because you have a lot going on at the moment...but I'm just trying to make you aware of things you may not have thought of. I wasn't implying thst your stupid...

However, I do know that people do agree to stuff they don't really want, because they don't want to say no. So even if the SM says she's okay with it, doesn't necessarily mean she is.

Again, I say this because of the numerous times I've seen stepmothers vocalise it being their worse nightmare to have the stepkids with them.

A thread elsewhere and many of the posters in it made me think of how stepkids are perceived at times.

www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/comments/unihbn/mil_interfering_and_running_to_bmdesperate_for/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

What a shit show OP.

Being firmly emotionally detached from this, I would encourage your husband to move to this new house, financially separate and divorce.
This situation is going to continue on, can't be influenced or fixed by you.
You will never have peace and you are wasting years of your life on the sidelines of your husband's life.
Time to be brave and accept it.

Re your daughter, I think it is time to have a private, quiet chat with your ex husband and find out exactly what he is prepared to offer his daughter.

Armed with this information, sit down with your daughter.
Assure her that you will NOT be hurt by what she wants, that you want her to feel happy, secure, and as settled as possible.
Listen to what she wants and accommodate it as much as possible.

Also assure that it is ok to change her mind in the future.

She is at a difficult age and acknowledging her feels is really important.

She will do better at school if she is happy.

Tell her that she obviously ALWAYS will have a room with you, but it is perfectly normal to sometimes mix things up and try something new to see how it fits.

Of course you will be hurt if she moves out, but if you focus on her needs and how long-term it will hugely help her to get these years with less stress and anxiety, I think you will get through it.

Posted too soon.

I think if you give her the opportunity to move in with her father, really try it on, she may purge herself of the fantasy and finally see the advantages of being with you.

But at that age, sometimes they won't be told and need to experience it.

So if possible, let her experience it.

Bit of a nuclear option, but if your DH does move out fully (and it sounds like he should, you're in a horrible situation and I really feel for you), would your daughter perhaps be happier if the two of you moved somewhere new / smaller / nearer friends / her dad or whatever? I can see how going from a busy large household to a quieter one would feel really disconcerting and I wonder if a change of scenery might help so the difference as to how it was / how it is isn't as stark?

Tbh you sound quite rude about your dd relationship with her dad. She sounds like she has good relations with her sm her father is active and she enjoys her siblings. Surely you should be happy about that not be negative. Are you deflecting because of your own situation at home isn't as welcoming and your dh doesn't seemed to be involved in family life.