Should I send dd to live with her dad? Should I ask dh to move out?

[Capriciosa22]

This is probably more of a parenting issue but there's a step element to it so please bear with me if it seems rambling.
I have dd 16 and 2 older dc who are both living away from home, one working and one at uni. Dh has 3 dc aged between 17 and 23 who all still live with their mum. Due to a number of reasons they stopped coming to us overnight a number of years ago but contact with dh was always maintained and he saw them regularly at a family members home. Dh, this family member and dh's dc are all very close so this is not as odd as it might appear.
Dh's eldest has dropped out of 3 college courses and has been seeing a therapist. As he is 23 dh can get no info bar what dss tells him but dh is more and more convinced he has a personality disorder that is not being diagnosed or if it is dss is not telling dh. Dss is also refusing to work and dh is having to support him financially.
So, dh has now bought a house and is moving eldest dss in to it as he doesn't get on with his dm. The other two now want to move in to this house alongside their brother which I personally think is a terrible idea as it leaves them wide open to dealing with their brothers mental health issues. Aside from being married to me dh cannot be there full time as he often travels with work but wants to be there more due to eldest dss. Basically dh wants to move in with dss. Dh won't admit to this but that's how it is. I personally feel the entire situation is being mismanaged. I am at my wits end with the whole thing and cannot see my marriage withstanding dh's handling of his dc. Dh lives with me but has never seen me more that he sees his dc as work takes him away from his home with me also.
Now to my dd. All of mine have had a tricky relationship with their dad but he's an immensely charming character so he gets forgiven over and over again. Since her big sister went up uni dd has found my house very quite. Often it's just me and her here. She used to get on great with dh but increasingly I'm finding her more distant when dh is here. I've asked her about this and while she says she's no problem with dh she finds his coming and going in the house very difficult. She says it doesn't feel like a family atmosphere any more as her sister is gone and dh is spending less and less time here due to the above situation and dd finds it all a bit unsettling.
Dh and I are just back from a holiday (the first we've had alone in 4 years) and dd seems quite disgruntled having come back from her dads. Her dad of course spoiled her while she was with him (drove her everywhere, didn't make her walk to school, didn't ask her to lift a finger) so I get that she's probably a bit miffed being back to the daily grind with me! However, I'm also aware that she has a 24/7 stepparent in her sm and two younger siblings at her dads and despite my misgivings about his Disney Dadding her I'm really beginning to wonder if she wouldn't be better off at her dads and if I wouldn't be better off with her at her dads?
I've given blood sweat and tears to raising my dc and while the elder ones have a lot of time for me my youngest does have an attitude with me and is very much taken in by her dad in a way the elder two weren't. This combined with what's going on with dh has honestly left me feeling like I have no more f**ks to give and I basically feel I should just tell dh to properly move out and live with his son and dd to go to her dads.
I honestly am so fed up with the lot of them (including exh who deliberately spoils dd) and cannot tell if I'm justified in feeling this way or if I'm just burnt out.
I had a lovely holiday and for the first time in 4 years felt I could prioritise myself. The rest of them time I just feel like I'm everyone's emotional punching bag.
I have alot or sympathy for dd btw as I know she misses her siblings and dh has become an odd presence in the house as he's either wrecked from work or stressing about his dc. I also have alot of sympathy for dh but I am frustrated at the handling of everything.
Any thoughts to help me get my head straight would be appreciated.

I would get your dh out he can go and look after dss (although im not sure thats the right solution for dss) and also hows he buying a house affect you financially if your married? You ok with that......it may not be for ever but he has to support his ds..
.focus on those that need the focus now and for you whilst dd at a tricky age she needs support too ..
She's had to put up with your dh flitting about more than the others which maybe why shes unsettled especially if your knackered with it all....
Try and calm the situation down and get some stability...

I think it’s 2 separate things
Your DH seems to want to prioritise his sons, which he is entitled to do, so let him go and then work on your relationship with your daughter. It might improve when it’s just the 2 of you

In your situation I would tell DH to move in with DSS, it appears this is what he wants/or feels he needs to do. Which is his choice to make. I do sympathise with your DH's situation, my DS has mental health issues he is back living at home. I think it'll be a long time before he is fully independent. It's put pressure on me and my DP. Difference is my DP still has his own home. I very clearly tell him if he doesn't have to be here if he finds it difficult. I'm prepared it could ultimately end our relationship.

Your DD is a separate issue. If DH moves out, I would give that relationship some time. Plan some activities together and see how it goes. I wouldn't rush to move then both out at the same time.

Sadly it is time now for your attentions to turn solely to be dealing with your own dc... Him financially supporting his will impact you and your household. And your dd isn't happy either.

Take time for yourself. Let your DH move out, take a step back from his relationship with his DC. Sounds like you have done an amazing job with your children. You DD is a typical 16 year old.
Has she said she wants to move out?
Plan some fun staff with her as another P suggested.
Don't let her move out but say she can spend more time at her dads if she wants.
Focus on your DD for a bit and of course you.

Thanks for the replies. Thing is I give all my dc a lot of attention including dd and I'm a bit worried that I'm blaming dh for the deterioration in my relationship with her when in fact it's exh that is primarily to 'blame'. Exh love bombs, and I feel dd is particularly vulnerable at the moment due her feelings around 'my' home. Even if dh goes I think exh will continue love bombing dd promising her things and then not delivering and I don't want my weariness and burn out having me send her there because I'm feeling like I can't cope (with or without dh). But I also don't want to keep her here if she's genuinely struggling with me as a person. I honestly don't think she likes me very much which is something I never experienced with my other two.
I agree dh is a separate issue and I do feel for him and understand how difficult things are for him but he has made massive decisions without consulting me and as a mother I also really dislike how he 'allows' his dc to scapegoat their dm. I know he has history with her but she's still their mum and two of them blame her for all life's woes which I personally think is very wrong. She has housed eldest ds and now that she's pointing out he needs to work in some capacity dh has rowed in with a free house etc.
It's not an easy situation for anyone.

@dreamkitchenhelp she hasn't said she wants to move out but I'm worried she's trying to protect my feelings. We do a lot together but after months of her dad being haphazard about lots of stuff he's now planning exotic holidays and is showering her with attention (I do wonder how her poor sm feels about this) and I think she's a bit dazzled. The flip side is I know his house is lively, she has siblings there and her sm is very good to her.

Does dd just free flow between houses? At her age surely she just stays at whoever house she wants to each day?

Could your older dc talk to your dd. Sound her out about what she really wants, and give her a heads up about what her dad is really like?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz historically all mine lived with me and saw their dad every Wednesday night every Friday night & eofull weekend. They also got plenty of time with their dad over holidays. This arrangement was a bit rigid, not because I am but because exh would always try and upend access to suit himself which was really hard on the dc when they were smaller. Dd sees her dad during the week but doesn't stay overnight. This is her choice as getting to school from his is more tricky and she finds doing her homework over there more difficult.
At this point I genuinely wouldn't mind her free flowing but her dad is very restless and makes lots of social engagement and travel plans without telling me. So, I have to keep things a bit rigid still as I will often make plans giving exh dates but he never reciprocates and also often books to do stuff when I've made plans. Dd can of course be left on her own a bit but not for long periods or constantly. I don't think that's fair.
I was supposed to be heading away with extended family in August but exh has just booked a holiday without coordinating dates with me. Dd can't go with him on this holiday as she has a job. She can't be left alone for 10 days so now I'm having to cancel my plans as he says he can't let his dw & other dc down.
I know I'm all over the place here but this is more of it.

I would let DH go and sort his DC out tbh. If his other kids wanted to move in with him and their brother then at least DH would be there to manage it. Living with his DC he could then review the situation with mental health needs etc. DD's relationship with you may improve once he's gone as she'll know where she stands. I think exDH will shoot himself in the foot eventually with her, let her down too many times and she may see you as the better option but tbh she's at an age where she needs to work this out for herself. All you can do is be there for her. With DH I would be concerned re shared finances, house etc. Would you actually split up or maintain a long term relationship?

I only read your first paragraph properly. On a positive note your dh sounds a loving and protective father. On the negative side it sounds like your dh is giving up on marriage. Buying another house and moving out is a precursor to divorce in most cases especially if he doesnt spend much time in the family home. Look carefully at your joint finances as if he will divorce, happy days if he doesn't but protect yourself.

Let dh move out for a few months, repair your dd relationship then ask dd what she wants to do.

Why can't she stay home for 10 days at 16 years old? Does she have additional needs?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I personally wouldn't leave a 16 yo home alone for 10 days. This particular girl would get quite lonely aside from anything else.
That's just me, others possibly feel differently.

I'd tell him to move in with his son.

You may find your daughter becomes happier when he's gone.

I wouldn't send her to live with him, I would just be open to her saying that's what she wants, or that she wants to go there more often.

If she doesn't stay overnight at her dad's does she even have a bedroom there? That could be a logistical issue with her moving there.

At 16 I would have thought she could just text her dad herself if/when she wanted to go over there, so it feels like you're having to put a lot more thought into aligning schedules than should be necessary. Obviously if you've got specific things on and could do with her being at dad's that's one thing, but if she would just prefer to be at dad's one night then she should be able to sort that herself.

@aSofaNearYou sorry I've probably been a bit unclear. She stays overnight at the weekends and has her own bedroom there.
I've no problem with her making her own arrangements but you're right about me being overly involved in the logistics. However, that's because even if exh has plans she can be there. Her sm is on hand and if both exh & sm are away whoever is minding the younger siblings will also keep an eye on dd IF dd wants to stay there (sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't). So, what I do rarely affects exh as he has plenty of 'support'. However if he can't keep an eye on dd (eg going away as a family without dd like this August) it scuppers me totally as I've no family left & I can't rely on dh.
I feel I'm probably not explaining things very well as to be honest I'm very muddled and upset today.

@Pixiedust1234 yes I think you're right but I think it's me who sees it as the precursor to divorce. Dh seems to think that I should 'put up' with this until his youngest leaves school. He seems to think that things will miraculously ease up then and he can move back in but I know parenting and relationships don't work like that.
He is a loving father but it's driven by guilt and an unfair attitude to his exw which I don't think she deserves. The dc are also very dismissive of her and I think that's a similar thing to my situation. Dh let's them do what they want and gives them what they want whereas their dm lays down rules. Whatever about the eldest guy the younger two only want out as they think they'll have a cushy life at dads & be let do what they want.

Could your SS move into your home so DH can live with him and your DD has a brother figure around?

I think what would happen there @Footloose78 is that the other two would then start kicking off about being 'left out'. But, that being said they don't want to live with us and never have. His youngest wants nothing to do with me or my dc. Dh has intimated that his youngest dislikes my dd but he calls it a personality clash. I have often suggested having the youngest one here more but it's always been a hard no from dh. They are not easy kids and are very much allowed dictate how dh and his exw behave in relation to them. They decided years ago that they didn't want to do overnights here (too many house rules from me in order to treat all dc the same) and dh gave in.

Reading back through all this I can basically see that regarding dh it's an impossible situation and I think I need to remove myself from it. He was a different person while on holidays but was back to being stressed and tense within an hour of being home. It's not going to get any better and while I can offer all the support in the world he's just determined to parent a certain way. That's his prerogative but it's impacting hugely on our relationship. I've compromised and adapted as much as I can and I just don't think I'm prepared to do so anymore. The last 8 years of my life have been dictated by kids & exes on both sides and it's not improving. In fact it's getting worse so I think I need to face facts and accept it's not working.

Reading back through all this I can basically see that regarding dh it's an impossible situation and I think I need to remove myself from it. He was a different person while on holidays but was back to being stressed and tense within an hour of being home. It's not going to get any better and while I can offer all the support in the world he's just determined to parent a certain way. That's his prerogative but it's impacting hugely on our relationship. I've compromised and adapted as much as I can and I just don't think I'm prepared to do so anymore. The last 8 years of my life have been dictated by kids & exes on both sides and it's not improving. In fact it's getting worse so I think I need to face facts and accept it's not working.

Is your daughter at uni coming back home for the summer?

I agree with you op and pp that this is 2 different issues, re your dp, I'd let him move in with his dc, keep seeing him if this is what you want, but maybe on a more relaxed footing.

With regards to your dd I feel your pain, I'm in a similar situation where it's only me and my dh and dd, my dh (not dds df) works shifts so is in bed at 6, so it's me and dd, and it's quiet. My ex has just moved his new gf in with her 2 dc so it's really fun and lots going on. My dd got a bad case of FOMO so has decided she wants 50/50 which I've agreed to. He too is a Disney dad on the surface but extremely selfish and already is putting his own hobbies first and our dd is having to miss out. I initially felt really hurt as I've given up so much and always put her first, I've done the hard bit of parenting and he's swanned in now she's easier and he has a readymade family. But I'm trying to be mature about it all.

Maybe you could suggest something similar ?

I would agree it’s an impossible situation with your DH and you need to step away from that whether that’s physically or emotionally.
With your Dad it sounds like you are the stability she has and will be the one who will be there when her dad disappoints her. She might have a step mum who is good to her but she needs you.