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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex remarrying

31 replies

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 18:23

My teens got a text about an hour ago saying that their dad is marrying next weekend and they were welcome to come if they fancied

The kids have taken my advice not to reply until tomorrow because they are furious at the short notice- they had no clue that they were engaged. Ds sees his dad EOW (came back at lunchtime) and had no clue until the text.

I know this isn't AIBU but am I being reasonable to be annoyed on their behalf? If I was remarrying, my kids would know as soon as they got engaged and would have roles like Best Man/Bridesmaid.

Older dd could have attended if she'd had enough notice (she works weekends) but swapped days and had this weekend off and is working both days next weekend.

Ex hasn't contacted me but I'm gobsmacked he would do this to our kids. They are furious being treated like an afterthought

OP posts:

SunshineCake · 22/05/2022 18:24

What a complete embarrassment if a father.

I wouldn't encourage the kids to play games though by waiting to reply. If they know what they want to do they should say so.

Buzzer3555 · 22/05/2022 18:27

What a twatty thing to do. Try to set an example by reacting with grace but i would be seething on behalf of the children

Bb16103 · 22/05/2022 18:39

He’s an absolute disgrace dropping that on them via text.
admittedly I didn’t rush to inform my husbands ex we were getting married (the children are much younger than yours so it seemed respectful that she’d need to know before the children) because she can be fairly high conflict. But she was aware before the children were, in case they had any worries about it that they didn’t feel they could express to dad or me.
there was a constant drip feed to them that everything we were doing wasn’t right or good enough & a ton of drama in the lead up from mum, but that was expected.
the point I’m trying to make is that no matter how awkward, difficult, stressful, whatever the situation is, of course you should tell your kids that you’re getting married & with appropriate notice & absolutely not via text.
the only advice I would give you is to be supportive, and if you can avoid expressing to the kids that you would do it different / they would be starring roles if it were your wedding / advising them not to reply / what to reply -my feeling is that if your ex is as bad is he sounds, he will twist this around & tell the kids he kept it secret to avoid conflict with you. I don’t think a man that can keep a secret like this would have any qualms about shifting blame to you if he could.
really sorry your children are going through this.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 18:53

I mean even for a low key casual wedding that's pretty shit.

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 18:55

Do the kids not like the new wife to be or something? It seems a very odd thing to do.

MintJulia · 22/05/2022 18:55

What a horrible thing your ex has done. You have every right to be angry on your dc's behalf.

How they respond is up to them but I agree, leaving an answer until they have time to calm down is perhaps a good idea.

I hope they text back, saying that they can't go at such short notice and what a shame he wasn't considerate enough to give them a bit more warning.

Original poster

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 18:56

Ex and I have been divorced for 10 years and I thought we got on ok- no conflict just politeness tbh so it's a shocker that he's done this to the kids.

They don't want to tell him what they really think because it makes future contact awkward but after a chat, it's the last minute warning that's pissing them off and that's understandable.

Our older child is 19 and there's been lots of landmarks that he's asked to be invited to like driving test, going to uni... so she feel betrayed that she's not seen as support in his important moments like getting married.

OP posts:

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 18:57

Short notice invites usually mean they don't actually want the person to come.

Original poster

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 18:58

Pandarinio · 22/05/2022 18:55

Do the kids not like the new wife to be or something? It seems a very odd thing to do.

They've known her for 10 years. They know she was the mistress but they are polite and fine about it after all this time. She's been a low key presence at contact which they appreciate so while not close, they don't harbour any bad feeling. Their gran (dad's mum) would probably hang out with them during the day.

OP posts:

Original poster

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 18:59

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 18:57

Short notice invites usually mean they don't actually want the person to come.

That's what the kids think too.

They think he knows it's bad to tell them afterwards so this is his idea of notice.

OP posts:

thenewduchessoflapland · 22/05/2022 19:00

So he's not only kept being engaged and planning a wedding from his own kids he's presumably got the rest of his family to keep it from your kids too.That's really rubbish.The only reason I can think of is that his fiancé is insecure about you.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 19:01

When I was about 9 my df (saw weekly) told me he had remarried the weekend before.. Tbh our relationship never amounted to much as I got older. Been nc for over 20 years now.
He had 3 db's and a dsis. All of who's dc attended.

lunar1 · 22/05/2022 19:10

What an absolute cunt! He couldn't even invite them in person, or phone.

My 'dad' told my brother and I after the event.

I don't think they want your DC to go, I'm so sorry for them.

DelphiniumBlue · 22/05/2022 19:12

If I were them I'd be texting back " why are you only asking me now?". And wait and see. And maybe not confirm until the day before. I'd also be asking grandma how long the day had been arranged for.
If your DD does want to go, hopefully her employer will be able to sort out exceptional leave, but she will need to ask asap.
Both you and they have every reason to be really pissed off, but I think I would encourage them to go, even though the invite seems very half hearted. Will grandma spill the beans on how big the wedding will be? Has everyone in the family been invited properly except them?

Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2022 19:13

Even if it was a close friend who issued an invitation like this, there would be an impact on the relationship going forward. What a fool.

I think you’ve handled it amazingly well so far. I’d continue to acknowledge and validate their feelings. Whether they share those feelings with their dad is up to them.

Im wondering what he will tell people if they don’t go. It’s unlikely to be the truth. Is that a concern?? If so could they ring his mum and tell them they’ve just received a text invitation ‘if they fancy’ to the wedding and ask for more details about the wedding as a way of getting the truth out there??

Also wondering if she is possibly pregnant and this is the reason for the marriage after such a long time together

ArtOfTheImpossible · 22/05/2022 19:18

I think it's a very good idea to teach them that when someone tries to press your buttons / get a reaction from you, it's a very good idea to not react immediately, and with emotion (often what they are seeking to achieve) but calmly take at least overnight if not longer, to figure your thoughts out and respond (if it keeps a response). Life skill. I speak as someone with parents who play this game a lot.

It shows their maturity, that they are not confused, are actually already quite clear on their boundaries around his crappy behaviour - they understand this isn't respectful of them.

Noone is obliged to respond at all. One option is simply not to (leave him to do the running to them, as he has created this situation and needs to fix it). At most a simple 'unfortunately this doesn't give enough time to be able to attend but we wish you all the best' might be as much as it deserves.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 19:19

I would be tempted to message and ask when their outfit fittings are?

GettingItOutThere · 22/05/2022 19:41

my god i would be raging too!!

do they want to go?

I would be asking, why is he only asking now? how long has it been arranged for?

clearly an afterthought, i would not go

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 19:46

I think he's taken the cowards way out.

Perhaps the new wife and him or just the new wife don't want the children there so the easiest way to make it look like they're not being mean is to invite them but give them very short notice because it's most likely they won't be able to come.

I think the children should let him know they are disappointed at how he has handled it.

t least they won't have to buy him anything if they don't go!

worriedaboutmoney2022 · 22/05/2022 19:47

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 19:19

I would be tempted to message and ask when their outfit fittings are?

Yes this is a brilliant idea

But if my dad had done that to me I wouldn't have gone it's so rude

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2022 19:48

Do you know if the wedding itself is last minute? I think more information is probably required.

It does sound crap but perhaps he didn't want to put pressure on them to come and was trying to play it off as casual? You know his character better than us.

Original poster

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 19:49

Im wondering what he will tell people if they don’t go. It’s unlikely to be the truth. Is that a concern??

The thought occurred to me but I don't really care what other people think about me. His mother isn't in my life any more.

Dd has just realised that her car was parked in the driveway when he dropped off ds so he could see that she was at home. How hard would it have been to text her to say he had something that he wanted to discuss?

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MzHz · 22/05/2022 19:52

I think it’s important for them to make the decision and support them

my ds school were telling him he wasn’t automatically invited to prom in a letter. MY first reaction was “Well then ftfo with your prom” and he said similar. They then offered it to him and he wants to go.

it’s ok for them to go. You won’t mind, but it’s totally up to them

I would feel all the feelings you’re all feeling. But that doesn’t meant they don’t get to go.

her work would probably try to help swap shifts again if she asked

Original poster

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 19:55

aSofaNearYou · 22/05/2022 19:48

Do you know if the wedding itself is last minute? I think more information is probably required.

It does sound crap but perhaps he didn't want to put pressure on them to come and was trying to play it off as casual? You know his character better than us.

He is laid back like that so I'm assuming that it's not a proper do with like 200 people but I'm not going to fall into the trap of asking him questions so it looks like I am bothered about him remarrying. He's been with her 10 years so it's not a big surprise tbh but it is a surprise that he's acting like our kids are an after thought.

We've never argued about maintenance or child contact and I'm not the sort of ex who would kick off at his wife to be. The kids say that he's never slagged me off and is actually very complimentary about me. He's only missed contact once in 10 years and does the picking up and dropping off so I'm not inconvenienced. The kids got to stay at their schools and he pays more than minimum CMS. I would have said we'd got along. Not enough to spend Christmas together but the kids are not damaged by our divorce at all. I know that the bar is low for divorced dads but this is the first time I've thought he was a cunt in years. It's one thing to shaft me but the kids?

OP posts:

Original poster

PeekAtYou · 22/05/2022 19:59

MzHz · 22/05/2022 19:52

I think it’s important for them to make the decision and support them

it’s ok for them to go. You won’t mind, but it’s totally up to them

I would feel all the feelings you’re all feeling. But that doesn’t meant they don’t get to go.

her work would probably try to help swap shifts again if she asked

I'm absolutely fine with the kids going. Dd is old enough to drive up with her brother and previously I would have told ex to reimburse her for some petrol.

Ds is doing his GCSEs atm and is now changing his outlook and pretending he'd rather "revise" play PS5 here. Dd is pretending that she doesn't care but would have liked to dress up and go to a wedding as she's not been to one since she was in Reception.

OP posts:

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