Not sure what to do next

[Dontknowwhattodotohelp]

Changed username so can't be linked to other posts as we (DSS Dad - my DP and I) are genuinely at a loss what to do.

Background: DSS (8) has diagnosed mental health issues and has resulted in 5 years of a very erratic co-parenting set up that I have been party to. Regular demands for more money, including paying rent on top of CMS, making regular false accusations including DP sexually abusing DSS and both of us physically abusing our DS who was months old. SS deemed it malicious but obviously traumatic. Court order in place, but very challenging to do as she refused to engage, spent years accusing DP of abuse despite clear evidence she physically and emotionally abused him.

Things have been more settled for past year or so, but seem to have really escalated over the past 2 months. Despite court ordered access (term time 5/14 to DP - he did want more but she changed her mind at start of final hearing, and 50-50 school holidays) she has been getting more and more erratic when she can't change plans to suit her arguing it isn't fair (eg. DSS is in half term this year with DP, was in hers last year, and DP requests to stick to the court order resulting in her becoming rather aggressive via email).

The issue: DSS has always been a little mardy about school. We find if we are firm, maintain a positive attitude aboit schools, consistency in homework/boundaries etc he goes to school just fine and is doing well and is on track. All homework since reception has been done at this house as his Mum will not do it with him. Few months ago his Mum raised issue if he has anxiety as always has a tummy ache/crying about going to school. DP replied saying we don't see this behaviour -but did see similar a few years ago and used a reward chart to motivate and it stopped. DP spoke to his class teacher at school. Appeared to be subject linked so spoke and worked with DSS on this and resilience (I'm a teacher). No further issues raised either by Mum who didn't respond to DP email or school. Mum got a job a support staff job at his school. Suddenly there appears to be an escalation in DSS teary/being poorly behaviour based on her observations in classroom and shes taken him to the GP on headteachers advice and he has educational anxiety. She was pushing for him to be diagnosed autistic (he definitely isn't) and is saying he needs extra support at school and has informed headteacher.

We are both really worried and its giving me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach as it feels she may be projecting her own anxiety/mental health on DSS and giving him issues that aren't really there if that makes sense? We're scared that this will make him want to go to school less when with her, despite never having that problem when with us (DP only gets to do 3 school drop offs per fortnight as per court order) and is going to give DSS a complex rather than him displaying typical child behaviour (needs resilience building up- not labelling: COVID has made many students far more immature).

Sorry for the length of post -looking for advice on what to do/next steps. DSS hasnt conveyed same message as she alleges. He also says quite vocally he doesnt get tummy aches here only at his Mums and he doesn't know why. My gut says she is (possibly unintentionally) emotionally abusing him. We know we need to contact the school and find out if any truth in what she is saying and ask why DP had not been informed if so serious but what next as we do not see any of this behaviour at such a high level as she suggests!

Help us please!

Realised an error at the start DSS Mum (not DSS!!) has diagnosed mental health issues.

There are probably lots of variables here. She may be causing the issue or she may be giving him the message that she thinks he has difficulties etc. Or he may simply be different with her because he feels he can express those feelings. It is hard to know. I would avoid getting caught up in the drama. Be clear that you don't see the same difficulties when he stays over at yours. Then say nothing else. The school is not daft. They will be well aware of how he comes in when he stays at yours. I have seen this countless times as a teacher. It probably is not a great idea for her to work at his school or to be a TA in his class but I would stay out of it.

what are the diagnosed mental health issues? how have these issues impacted her parenting in the past - by that, I mean, what evidence/experience does your partner have of this first hand prior to the breakdown of the relationship?

Your only option as I see it is to seek majority residence on the basis that you think he is in danger of emotional abuse (albeit probably unintentional). Iti s probably problematic she works at the school, but you know that as a teacher. It's crossed boundaries all over the bloody place. I would suggest unless you are seriously SEN qualified and experienced, you can't possibly state he isn't autistic - the spectrum of behaviour is huge and requires professional diagnosis so be careful how you approach that issue. I also agree that covid has seen a greater immaturity than usual in many children, but it has also seen many children genuinely traumatised and distressed by the long lockdowns, home learning, and what may have happened to their family members and those of their friends. I don't think you can just dismiss the issue as being a bit 'he's a snowflake' rather than genuinely distressed by the experience.

My other thought is some family therapy - between your partner, mum and child, perhaps? The suggestion there being you are all concerned about the child's health, no finger pointing, he just needs his parents to be working together and his parents need to listen to him and be on the same page, perhaps? might she go for that rather than another battle in court and the potential for losing her majority residence?

spent years accusing DP of abuse despite clear evidence she physically and emotionally abused him

what is the 'clear evidence'?

If I was his Dad I'd be going back to court for full time residence with Fri/Sat IF DS wants to go.

& speaking to the HT & CT.

I'd be querying munchausens by proxy.

I don't think she's an ideal person to be a TA and definitely shouldn't be in his classroom.

he's lucky to have you in his corner.

Thank you for responses. I am trying to be a little vague for worry of being outed.

His Mum is medicated bipolar, and sadly suffered greatly with PND. As part of freedom of information request for the court as I helped my DP with preparing his bundle I saw the evidence of what she had alleged and attempted to put police reports in for and what they had witnessed and documented showing DP was the victim. I've also seen and heard the messages, emails and conversations since which supports this.

There has been a lot of projection onto DSS and previously prior to the arrival of our son parental alienation including Daddy doesn't love you, he left for dontknow and only loves her, despite it being her ending the relationship as an example.

DSS speaks very openly with me and has discussed how he behaves better at ours and we do more here and that he doesn't behave the same here as at is mums. DSS has stated before he cries to get his own way at his Mums and it works. He was quite proud of this when he told us so DP chatted to him to try and make him see this isn't the way to deal with things you don't want to do.

At no point have we labelled him a snowflake - I do find that notion quite insulting - I did 90% of the home schooling as his Mum did not feel he needed to work at home and worked DSS and saw first hand his lack of resilience in approaching new work and his fear of failure but we worked together and he showed himself to be very successful and his attitude to learning dramatically improved. It appears, as his teacher previously agreed with us, that it is chosen behaviour.

DP and DSS mum cannot work together sadly no matter how hard he has tried. It has to be done on her terms. He has suggested family councilling before or even sitting down and discussing ways forward but she point blank refuses and makes it very clear it is her way or none at all.

One of our questions is how do we approach the school. We don't want to cause any conflict of interest and make it look like a domestic issue per say we want to do what is best by DSS. In an ideal world she wouldn't work in DSS classroom (she doesn't regularly apparently) but we really dont want to rock the boat on this either as it's her first job in 4 years and don't want to do anything to damage that either.

We just want to help DSS.

A lot of women who actually have ADHD are mis-diagnosed with bipolar disorder. ADHD can cause emotional dysregulation, severe sensitivity to rejection, acting on impulse, coming across as your emotions are rather than how you'd like to come across if you could control your impulses.

As an ex-teacher, my experience has been that most teachers have a superficial understanding of neurodiversity.

They way you describe your DSS I wouldn't be surprised if he was neurodivergent.

You place yourself as the hero in this story but the way you describe your treatment of your DSS it does come across as though his mothers home is likely to be the one where he feels able to display his true emotions.