Am I to blame?

[hirsty1]

I posted in Aibu but maybe the wrong place. I just need to calm down:

I've had messages from dhs ex today - the mother of his daughter. We've never really built a relationship, just became civil and that's all.

Dh and I separated for 6 months though in this time we still spent time as a family and my dc (from previous) and his dd still saw each other regularly as they are very very close.

Now Dh and I are giving things another go. I've received a message from her saying she can tell we are back together because Dh has apparently turned shit and implied that I tell him what he can and cannot do. This isn't true. Dh hasn't changed as a father. He has been getting in from work late the last couple of weeks and has been working in a remote area where he has absolutely zero signal so his FaceTimes to dsd have reduced but that's all I can think of. Myself and Dh have been on a few dates and a weekend away but this hasn't interrupted his time with dsd.

I've been with Dh for 7 years and been in dsds life since she was 18 months old. In this time I've been always there for her. I treat her as my own.

Things like school holidays are always organised in advance on who looks after dsd when but I can guarantee everytime I look after dsd an extra couple/few days more than planned as she asks if she can stay longer. I've always done it without an issue. In fact she doesn't even as us directly. She FaceTimes dsd and says 'you can stay with dad a couple more days if you want' without checking it's ok first.

I include dsd in everything I can with things that I do with my own dc.

The last holiday we went on was brilliant, we all had a fabulous time. When dsd was collected, Dh received a message asking what we had done to dsd. She was a perfectly polite and happy girl when she was sent to us and she had gone back home miserable and horrible. Like I said, the dcs were fantastic and it was the best holiday weve ever had.

She frequently asks for dsd to be collected early, she lives 45 mins away but i still go and do it. Dh can't as he works in the opposite direction but she demands she's collected at a certain time.

She also will change weekends whenever it works for for, book holidays on dhs weekend without asking....the list goes on.

She's walked all over me but I've done my best for dsd. I really have.

I know she's never really liked me and that's fine but I don't know what I've done to deserve it. It's really got me down over the years.

To receive a message to say I'm basically a horrible person after all I have done for her and dsd ....I couldn't help but reply with exactly what I thought and now I feel shit. I'm not a bad step mum. I don't know how much more I can take.
Ive blocked her so I can't receive anymore but I don't think I can ever face her again.

Fuck her. Block, delete and move on.

I know, I just wish it wasn't like this. There is no reason too but nothing will ever be enough unfortunately. We either do too much or too little

You need to step right back, don't get involved with her demands around pick ups. She shouldn't be contacting you, you are not the coparent. It might sound a bit harsh but it will save so much stress in the long run.

I've been in this situation as the mother. And my ex our dd dad was shit whether he's in a relationship or not or on a break. My dd6 hadn't seen his ex for a few months then as they were trying to work things out he wud involve his dd which I wasn't happy with. He's either with her or he's not as my dd was coming home asking all the questions about when can I see her again I miss her etc and it's just not fair. I was the one picking up the pieces. His ex is a nice girl n I hope she sees the light but it still doesn't make it right for another two people to confuse a child. Whether you are an innocent party or not and your intentions are good it doesn't matter you are either with him or without ! not in and out of a child's life they know they can sense even if you were in her life every week they are stupid they will know something isn't right.
I'm just showing what's it's like from the other side so yes your relationship but your right but confusion to an innocent is wrong I'm sorry. So in my opinion if relationships are meant to be why do they break up in the first place ? A second time doesn't necessarily mean it will if it didn't the first time, and a second break or breakup or whatever it is is worse again on your and all the children involved.

I'm sorry but that's absolutely nothing to do with this situation. Dsd was never really aware that we had separated- read my post! We still continued to do things as a family on the days she was with us to make things as normal as possible for the kids.

The ex in this situation has had 3 relationships in 4 years and introduced each one to dsd. Myself and dsds dad are married, yes we had a break but put our kids first in this time and continued to show them stability.

The ex absolutely loved it when she found out that we had separated because that meant Dh was as miserable as she is.

Your reply is absolutely not relevant to my post.

Sounds hard massively hard 💐

I think if DSC mum is going to be rude and not able to co parent in a pleasant manner then stop doing all these favours for her.

Block her, don't engage and let DP sort it. It's a shame people can't put their kids first but ultimately it's not something you can solve.

I hope things work out for you ! X

It all sounds very tumultuous and unsettling for all children involved

Let your partner deal with all communication and picking/dropping sd off from now on.

It really is. Everytime she FaceTimes dsd, she makes little digs. When dsd answers she says 'I knew you would be just sat on your phone, that's all you do at daddies' when that's never true - she's on the phone as she answering the call!

It can be anything, if she yawns on the call then she was up too late. She always asks if she wants dsd to come home early if she's 'bored'and tells her she can ring her mum at any point of she's not happy but she's has a great time every weekend!

Dsd is struggling at the moment as she literally has weeks before she's made homeless with her mum and she has no where to live. This is massively stressful for them both understandably. However in a message she sent me yesterday, Dh was blamed for all the stress and dsds low mood at the moment. It just isn't the case.

We're just blamed for everything and I worry what is said to dsd when she's not with us

Not just for your dsd

Yes 100%. It was one of the main reasons we separated as I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I've worked really hard to build a relationship with dsd and help her mum. I'm in a position to do so as I am a carer for my eldest child but I'm a carer for a reason! I don't have an easy life as a mum either but I still bent over backwards to help.

Ex really doesn't like my dc. Myself and Dh has a child together and once dsd showed the baby over FaceTime. Her response was 'he's not that cute, I'm not interested in him, I just want to talk to you'. She was drunk at the time but I've never forgotten it.

So you have children from previous relationship and child with him?
you separated and now giving it another go… with this growing tension re SC as a backdrop

op - this sounds very unpleasant

We've been together a long time. Everything to do with dsd just built up and I needed a break. Not from dsd as I still was with her everytime she was here but from the constant crap we get from her mum. It was affecting my mental health and me and Dh started to bicker about it.

I'm proud of me and Dh, we've worked hard to build up our relationship and our marriage. We didn't separate as in we stopped seeing each other and stopped doing things as a family.

Am I honestly getting crap on here for working on my marriage?

I need to learn how to not let her mum affect my life. So maybe getting it all out yesterday and then just blocking her was the best thing I could of done.

Honestly if I was a crap step mum who didn't care for my husbands kids then I'd be getting abuse on here but it's the absolute opposite! I can't do enough for her. I take her out on her own when she's here and we have little shopping trips and go out for lunch just me and her.

What am I supposed to do here? I'm trying my best. I love my family....should I just walk away because the ex can't stand us being a happy family?

Growing tension because she's unhappy we've worked things out. She offered to 'be there' for Dh when she found out we had separated as it gave her some joy that our marriage wasn't in a good place

Seems like a coincidence.

the dh and ex slept together whilst on the split I suspect
it will all come out eventually OP
Either way, I’d be squirrelling away money for the shit show that would would follow

.I couldn't help but reply with exactly what I thought

what did you actually say?

@Intrigueddotcom I would highly doubt that. It has always been this way with her.

She hated it when we were engaged. Hated it when we got married and said dsd couldn't even go because she had plans with her that weekend even though it was 18 months in advance. Then accuses Dh of not wanting to have anymore do with dsd when we went on a honeymoon organised by our family and friends.

Hated it when I became pregnant, made an issue of dsd not being pushed out of our family. When DS was born she then reduced dhs time.

This has been going on for years and it's absolutely draining.

Her last relationship ended because she was mean to his kids - Dh received messages from the mother of his kids asking for advice because ex was absolutely horrible to her son.

I could go on and on. They haven't slept together

At first I responded as calmly as I could. I suggested ways that they could communicate better and how dsd is well loved. I asked her not to bring me into her arguments with Dh as it was nothing to do with me.

Her reply was that I was manipulative and horrible.

My reply was how I have done so much for her over the years. Cancelled plans last minute just because I was expected to look after dsd. Ive never even had a thank you for this.

Then I blocked her

Struggle to see how you could describe the relationship aa being “civil” until now based on your last update

From me it's always been civil! I'm always friendly on drops offs, when she had a baby - I sent a gift and card home with dsd. Send Xmas cards etc. In and texts I would send I would always say 'hi ex, how are you? Hope you're well...' before going on to say what I need too. I send her pictures of anything I do with dsd.

I absolutely hate confrontation and I'd rather just get on with her as it would make life so much easier but what can I do when she cannot stand me?

Never mind, I've tried

You have tried.

you’ve also been wonderful to this little girl.

im worried to hear that she’s about to be homeless- could she come and stay with you?

your h ex is an awful woman, an awful mother and a vile person. The little girl at least has you and her dad to look after her.

I think you need to give serious thoughts to having her live with you full time.

it’s never going to be any better with this woman

the more she loses control, the worse she will get.

Thank you. Yes we've considered it many times. When Dh has approached it, it's obviously not gone down well at all. How would we even approach it?

She would have to move schools as it's a 45 minute journey away but i would absolutely do it. I think I've said already that I'm a carer for my eldest son who is disabled and while that's obviously challenging, I can manage school runs, after school activities etc. It wouldn't make a difference to anything.

I have no idea where dsd is going to live, I think possibly with grandparents. I think ex is going to apply for council housing but I don't know if they will necessarily help her as if she moves back to her parents - they have a huge house and plenty of space. I don't know if ex is aware that by doing that, the council may not help if the place she lives too is deemed suitable. I could be entirely wrong here but my best friend went through similar. I hope they get sorted asap but I know people wait for months on end or even years.

Equally, if they are staying with grandparents, Dh and ex's dad are actually the best of mates (much to the disproval of the ex) and I know dsd will probably be in a more calm environment with her grandparents around. Her dad is absolutely lovely and always asks after me and the dc. He was so pleased when Dh and I sorted things out as his actual words were that we provide dsd with good stability.

I know things are never going to get better. I've always struggled so much and never been able to understand why it's like this. I get on with my ex's partner well, I have absolutely no reason to dislike her. My dcs think she's lovely and happy that she's with their dad. That's the end of it, there's no bitterness or anything so it makes me wonder why this is like this.

We sent dsd home in the wrong shoes the other week (the ones she came in were hurting her feet) and ex sent a text saying she was absolutely 'outraged'. I just feel so uneasy all the time, waiting for what's next.
It's really affecting my mental health. I'm so sorry I'm rambling. There's just only so much you can take and
my buttons have really been pressed this weekend. Im so angry at myself for retaliating but equally l need to be able to stand up for myself