Weight/health concern

5 replies

ThisMustBeMyDream · 20/05/2022 22:04

DP is talking to me about his 5 year old daughters weight. I've been with my partner since she was 8 months old (parents just dated, no relationship as such). I'd like to offer him advice on what is an emotive and tricky subject.
He has always been concerned about her weight. She has consistently been over the 99th centile on the childs bmi calculator. He has tried to have conversations with mum and has even discussed with health visitor when younger. Mum just says "she's tall, nothing wrong with her". She isn't tall. She is 25th centile for height on the relevant height centile chart.
My partner is overweight by 2 stone and fights with this losing and gaining it over time and her mum has had a gastric bypass 10 years ago. So she may well be genetically predispositioned to be bigger. We know diet at home is not great from the list of foods he was given to feed her at 12 months old (chicken nuggets, pie, potato smilies, vimto etc. There was no veg, no fruit, nothing with nutritional value) andwith what he sees when he picks her up (eating big share bags of crisps etc). Also from what dsd tells him which he does take with a pinch of salt but given what he sees she is likely to be telling the truth.

Big (half) sister is 3 years older and is significantly overweight too (from what DP tells me).

The reception weight/height check has been done and as predicted mum got the letter saying she was overweight and at risk of obesity etc etc. Also as predicted mum said the same old "she's just tall, nothing wrong with her" blah blah.

So here we are. We hoped seeing it from elsewhere would make her think and evaluate the situation but it doesn't appear it has. This evening DSD at age 5 has been given an extra value meal from McDonald's for dinner with full sugar coke. A happy meal I'd understand, but a full meal (ok, so maybe not enough to fill an adult but enough for a teenager I'd guess). Mum is not an easy person to deal with so DP feels like he doesn't know what to do but he wants his daughter to be healthy. Obviously on his time he influences exercise and diet, but it isn't a significant enough time to make a big difference over all.
Has anyone else had this issue? And how did you help your child (from DPs perspective) when you were a non resident parent?

OP posts:

Blendiful · 20/05/2022 23:00

Yes we have the issue. But unfortunately I don't have an answer.

DPs child of a similar sort of age is also overweight. They are tall, but not enough to offset the weight and it does worry me, and him. Personally for me I try and stay out of it but I do find that hard as I think if it's not dealt with it could become a much bigger issue for them later.

DP has spoke to ex about it but I think what they are fed when with mum just isn't very good and lots of treats given into etc. they are always hungry and asking for food. They will however eat veg and fruit etc so that is good.

More exercise is needed for sure, they do do quite a bit and like to play outside but if not entertained by someone else they will sit and watch tv for hours. I just can't relate to that because I struggle to get my older child to sit still for long even now!

I think there is too much screen time and too big portions and also too much junk food on offer at mums (and sometimes even at ours but they are here less). But like I said I don't have the answer at all, or know what to do other than work together and get a lot stricter.

Pandarinio · 21/05/2022 03:03

Has he tried making discussions about healthy eating less about weight and more about nutrition?

Sortilege · 21/05/2022 03:15

This kind of thing is always going to be difficult when you have children with people you aren’t compatible with, and then separate quickly. If you only have half the parenting time from early on, it’s just inevitable that your influence is hugely diluted.

I’m close to a similar situation and it’s exasperating for at least one of the parents and for onlookers but it’s intractable, really. But what’s done is done.

The best you can do is make it explicit that “this is a healthy house”, don’t comment on what happens at mums house, and throw yourself into maintaining really good habits and diet under your roof. If she refuses to eat what you give her, it will get really hard, though.

KylieKoKo · 21/05/2022 09:56

Obviously on his time he influences exercise and diet, but it isn't a significant enough time to make a big difference over all.

How often does he see her? Is there scope for increasing this? Perhaps he could sign her up for something active once a week and pick her up and take her there? It is his child. If he isn't seeing her enough to have an influence on this then that's on him.

HotDogKetchup · 24/05/2022 14:51

Yup.

I have drawn the line where it starts impacting my own DC, but I don’t get involved in my DSS’ diet otherwise. What I don’t accept is my DC eating junk for the entirety of DSS’ time with us just to appease him. DSS is very overweight - but it can’t be fixed and if I mention it I won’t be very popular.

Flip