Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Withholding the kids - advice needed

13 replies

fairycakes77 · 18/05/2022 19:03

I've been with my DP for 3 years, he's always had DSS & DSD 50/50 since splitting with mum 8 years ago.
It's been very up and down since I've been with him, mostly up but recently it's took a huge turn. Mum has said before that she's never sending the kids and hasn't ever followed through but this time I have a horrible feeling she will follow through.
DP has recently changed job in the past couple of months but can still have the DSC 50/50. Mum hasn't given him a chance to talk this through with her.
So I've been keeping a calendar for 3 years when we have DSC, it mainly started so I knew when to do shopping and when stuff needed to be done by for the DSC ect and then it turned into keeping it more as 'evidence' if things ever went wrong because of her threats and multiple things kept cropping up which were concerning.
So I'm apprehensive that she will follow through and withhold the kids and stop them from seeing DP. She's already stopped DSD from speaking to DP on her phone.
I just need some advice as to what to expect if this does go further, what the court may be looking for, what would help my DP ect...
everything we have ever done is for both of the children, he's a brilliant dad, very hands on, gives 110% every time they are with us I genuinely cannot fault him.
I basically need some advice, so if anyone can help it would be very much appreciated!

OP posts:
weekendninja · 18/05/2022 23:27

My advice is to detach yourself from this OP because you'll continue to get further dragged in. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

You DP is more than capable I'm sure of doing his own research so for your own sanity leave him to it otherwise this will consume you both.

Good luck.

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 07:20

Does DP have any idea why this sudden turn? Tbh I would echo @weekendninja, it must be tricky seeing your DP upset about it but I too would try and detach from the situation if you can.

femfemlicious · 19/05/2022 07:24

Is it court ordered. I think he should apply for court ordered visitation. This cant go on. He should always remain calm.

CucumberCool · 19/05/2022 07:31

Evidence, evidence evidence.
Get everything in writing, DP should keep a diary. Keep things in order to make things easier to see and access. Go back to court.

bumpytrumpy · 19/05/2022 07:34

What impact is the job change having?

You say he hasn't had the chance to talk it through, so presume there is some impact on the kids that require discussion?

SoggyPaper · 19/05/2022 07:40

I’d echo the others saying to detach yourself from this situation. Continue being present to the SC when they’re with you etc, but step back from the child contact shenanigans.

I do wonder why it’s you that’s keeping all these records and worrying about whether it’ll be sufficient evidence. Surely that’s their father’s responsibility.

I’m sure someone will be along soon
enough to tell us we’re all dreadful and of course a woman should want to support a man by taking on all the admin, worry and responsibility for his child contact, however.

RedWingBoots · 19/05/2022 16:59

If it goes further when your DP does all his own research, decides to take it legal on his own or whatever, if he then mentions he wish he has notes of when he had his DC over the last year or so then you handover your notes to him.

You are a third party and so apart from being decent to them when his DC are at your house or otherwise in your care, it is nothing to do with you.

NohoHank · 19/05/2022 17:39

RedWingBoots · 19/05/2022 16:59

If it goes further when your DP does all his own research, decides to take it legal on his own or whatever, if he then mentions he wish he has notes of when he had his DC over the last year or so then you handover your notes to him.

You are a third party and so apart from being decent to them when his DC are at your house or otherwise in your care, it is nothing to do with you.

I agree with this and all the other similar comments.

3 years is a very short time to have become so entrenched in the care arrangements of his children. This is something the parents should sort out themselves.

SoggyPaper · 19/05/2022 19:25

There’s also something to be said about not borrowing trouble.

You are pre-emptively gathering loads of evidence in case your partner might need it in the future. And looking for advice on what to expect if she withdraws contact and mediation fails and he needs to take her to court and the court requires evidence of when they’ve been with him. There are a lot of steps there.

Is there any reason to think she’ll actually do it? She’s threatened in the past and never done it.

The job change happened in the past 2 months. Contact has continued as before. Why does it matter whether she discusses his job change with him if it isn’t affecting contact?

She not allowed some phone calls. There might be a good reason for this, particular given they have 50-50 contact. Does he really need to be calling his DD in her mum’s time with her?

You also haven’t said anything about what the children’s father thinks about any of this. Are you just worrying unnecessarily?

You’ll feel much better if you chill out and let him to deal with his trouble - if it ever happens.

watcherintherye · 19/05/2022 19:34

I am not in this position, so everyone can tell me to butt out, but I don’t understand how you are supposed to ‘detach’ from a situation in which your dh’s children are in your home (and presumably you are helping to look after them) 50% of the time. The MN household, where everyone should keep themselves to themselves doesn’t reflect normal day-to-day life.

SoggyPaper · 19/05/2022 19:38

watcherintherye · 19/05/2022 19:34

I am not in this position, so everyone can tell me to butt out, but I don’t understand how you are supposed to ‘detach’ from a situation in which your dh’s children are in your home (and presumably you are helping to look after them) 50% of the time. The MN household, where everyone should keep themselves to themselves doesn’t reflect normal day-to-day life.

No one is telling her to detach from her home life. She should detach from the drama to do with the ex making noises about contact. She can leave all that to their father and just get on with normal life.

No one would expect her to be keeping timesheets for him to document what he does at work all day. This is the same kind of thing - he can deal with it all.

SpaceMaaaaan · 19/05/2022 19:47

watcherintherye · 19/05/2022 19:34

I am not in this position, so everyone can tell me to butt out, but I don’t understand how you are supposed to ‘detach’ from a situation in which your dh’s children are in your home (and presumably you are helping to look after them) 50% of the time. The MN household, where everyone should keep themselves to themselves doesn’t reflect normal day-to-day life.

You can detach from all the drama and nastiness and just experience family life with no knowledge of all the behind the scenes shit.

Fireflygal · 19/05/2022 19:49

How old are the children?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread