End of tether.. rant.. advice.. unsure! Issues with DSD Mother

[Lilypeony]

Hello :)

I regularly read the threads on here but this is my first time posting.
i am happily married to my DH (4 years in) i have a DS from a previous relationship and my partner has a DD from his previous relationship.
It is important to note they split many years ago (well before we met) and his Ex has gone on to have another child but has also split from their father too. My issue is the abuse we are subjected to.

We went to court to get a CAO in place as access kept being blocked and changed and DH ex was constantly abusive, verbal abuse swearing and threats (wont list them out but they are vile).

My DH is a brilliant dad and very dedicated driving 90miles to get her and bring her back to where we live. The court order states - every other weekend, half of all holidays, phone calls and alternate Christmases (driving at Christmas should be alternate, it is the only day for the year she is expected to drive but my partner has done it each year since due to his ex saying its that or he just doesn't see her).

Unfortunately DH EX has not kept to the rules of the court order and changes times and locations at the last minute (even knowing DH will be driving for at least 1hr 45 one way so difficult for him to re route if he is told whilst travelling) and regularly sends nasty texts and ignores the call when my DH calls to speak to DD (we purchased DD a phone that we could call on as an alternative at a set time beet his ex doesn't allow this either) .

We obtained the court order prior to Covid but now we are considering going back to court as its just not working, access is blocked if DH is 2 minutes late which i find totally unreasonable considering how far he travels, we are always expected to change arrangements to suit her. Since the last court date we were notified SS became involved due to concerns around the two children, DH ex was arrested for a public order offence and assaulting a police officer. Due to concerns raised by schools and social services the children were placed 'at risk' meetings were held which we of course attended and we stay in touch with the school for updates and homework etc .

The abusive texts or emails are becoming too much (abuse is directed to me and him even though i have never actually met DH ex) not knowing days and times we can have my DSD even though we have a CAO makes thing difficult planning wise. She is impossible to reason with so 9 times out of 10 we give in as DH so desperately wants to maintain the contact with his DD
I have a great relationship with DSD and she enjoys the time spent with us and my DS but her mum is making things impossible and ultimately the stress is making us ill. In an ideal world we would love for DH to be the resident parent but realistically know this is usually difficult for the Dad...
Does anyone have experience of going back to court after the initial CAO to either enforce or the change due to the concerns we have over the care given to DSD and the issues her mum clearly has? and is it stupidly naïve that before i realized what she was like i have lovely ideas of us all going out as a family and all being able to communicate regarding DSD and her life and milestones/decisions etc??? lastly -PLEASE TELL ME THIS GETS BETTER!! and that we wont be stuck with a poor child being used as a pawn in a game until she is 18 :(

If you got this far.. thank you for reading x

A friend of mine obtained residency through the court due to similar circumstances. Courts do not always favour Mum.
Document everything.

thank you for taking the time to respond. i have got a of everything as we knew from my research from our previous court date that this was important. off the back of our comment im going to go through that this weekend to cross reference against messages and dates etc ..

our worry with the court is for something like going for residency.. would we need the support of a solicitor as this is is not something we could afford .. all very stressful.

Your DSD mother sounds very bitter and is more than likely resentful of the lovely life you and your DH have. I would perhaps try mediation or go back to court. Can you not represent yourself. Have everything documented, text messages kept etc etc.
It is a shame there is such a distance between you and your DSD as it makes it difficult for 50/50 custody with schools etc. could you move closer to them to enable this? If you go for residency then your DSD would have to move schools and friends which you should take into consideration. Considering removing a child from her mother isn't something I would encourage just because your DH and his ex don't get on. It doesn't mean she is a bad mum etc.
unfortunately sometimes these things don't get any better but maybe when she meets someone knew then her attention will go elsewhere rather than anger towards your DH.

Completely agree.

@ilovemyboys3 thank you for responding

DH has tried mediation previously but she didn't show up. DH represented himself for the court last time and i assisted with the paperwork element but that was just for a CAO not enforcing or going for residency.

Moving has been mentioned but would be very difficult i would need to find a new job and i would not feel comfortable moving my DS school (just at secondary age) due to additional needs he would struggle to be taken out of an environment he knows and a small but lovely group of friend's. DSD mother has already moved her school 3 times in 4 years :(.. its all very sad

yes totally agree with you and it is not a decision we would take lightly we do have other concerns and evidence (social services involvement). she has had 3 partners since they broke up and had another child unfortunately relationships didn't make a difference to her behavior .. it was our hope also. just feel so worn down with constant games and abuse.

@Lilypeony

Yes I totally understand the difficulty and reasons for not wanting to relocate. I wouldn't pull my children out of school either and tbh she could just move again anyways. Sounds like your DsD has had and does have a lot of upheaval in her life what with her mums bfs etc. I guess all you can do is give her as much stability when she's with you as possible. When they reach a certain age, her wishes will be taken into consideration and she may decide she would like to live with her dad anyways. Seek advice and if you genuinely feel she would be better off emotionally and physically with you then seek residency. How old is your DSD? Maybe have a chat with her and without asking her obviously but seek to see how happy she is at home etc? Not sure what else to suggest. I couldn't imagine having to live with and put up with the abuse from the EX and would struggle too.