DC mum doesn’t acknowledge me

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I have been around for 2 years now with DP.

It got a little weird about 1 year in, ex wife asked DP if she could formally meet me to get to know me (rather than just saying hello and smiling on handovers). She wanted to go out for dinner! DP said that’s a bit intense (also they didn’t go out for dinner when her new BF moved in with her after 3 months). He said let’s go to the park at a handover. It was all agreed and on the date we got ready only for her to not show up or message, she had forgotten all about it and was running late with the kids.

Running late was because she has the kids for 3 nights a week and she had been out the night before and left the kids with a relative. So she had collected the kids the next morning from relative then taken them straight to meet DP for a handover. Obviously small DC were crying and didn’t want to be handed over because they had just been picked up by mum so the ‘meeting’ between us was me standing there watching the small DC crying & wailing, hanging on to mums legs and overall, awful.

move on with some time, she now doesn’t even look at me if I attend a handover and I will smile and wave/say hi.

The handovers still seem to be quite shit, yesterdays handover, they were very late to us and we had plans. they had returned from yet another trip to a toy shop where little DC wasn’t allowed to buy anything because they hadn’t behaved as well as older DC (and to watch older DC get an expensive toy) so younger child was - you guessed it - crying and sad, clinging onto mum, begging and saying they were going to be good and it made me feel a bit sick. Like I don’t know why these handovers always seem to end on disappointment and sadness for DC so often. It doesn’t help that at this point - sad little DC then comes to ME for comfort.

ex wife keeps badgering DP as to why small DC is ‘angry’ all the time and having so tantrums and behaving badly. I have my own older DC so I can spot these issues a mile away

I never ever say anything negative in front of kids. I just feel so sorry for them and think she’s a Dickead. Do you think she doesn’t speak to me because she can feel my silent judgement? 🤣I am trying so hard to muster up feelings of respect for her.

there are 2 handovers on 2 days because mum drops to them to dad to go to school then dad picks up from school and hands back to mum later on. She’s always late

This is silly. And so unfair on the kids. Is she genuinely getting much out of her contact or is this a maintenance issue.

They don’t pay each other anything.
DP is free childcare though, rather than an after school club.
she works but the added distance of where she moved to adds a lot of travel time on
DP also works but organises childcare if he needs to in his own time

My view is that she can’t be getting much out of it. But like everyone has said it’s not really my business. She has them in clubs some of her days too
he never says no to her having them weekends, she does have extra if there is something special going on at her request

the times it causes conflict between us is the lateness and dropping a lot of Friday nights as we have no social life!

I totally understand it’s frustrating for you and horrible to witness the upset children. And irritating to have your own plans cancelled or ruined.

You can’t change it though. Only he can. And he’s choosing not to.

He can see the kids are upset and struggling. He is having to change his plans to accommodate what his ex wants. But he is still doing it.

I can only advise not being there to witness and handovers and making sure that you have your own plans so that, if he cancels to accommodate his ex, your social life is not ruined. Don’t have your life revolve around this dysfunction.

maybe seeing that you are just getting in with things regardless and not allowing this to curtail your life will prompt him to make changes. Or maybe not.

The hardest thing in these situations is that you cannot control anything at all. All you can do is minimise the negative effects on you.

If is a rubbish way to reach that lesson to a small child, so this very much depends on the child's age. But it's a very big consequence and if it is frequent it also means that it's difficult for the child to live up to whatever behavioural expectations are set for them, so actually it's not great parenting to keep setting your child up to fail.

Did you read the OP? The mum is the part time caregiver

That’s my exact view and it wasn’t to say I am a better parent rather that it was lesson I learned once upon a time and sharing it with another parent (DP)
DP agrees with me and parents similarly to me
he won’t share it with her though even when she’s trying to work out why her strategy is backfiring

I spoke to DP about this
I said that I felt uncomfortable because she doesn’t acknowledge me and perhaps I have inadvertently done something she doesn’t like. He said he wasn’t aware of anything.

I pointed out that she is now the new partner of someone who has a child and I’m sure she is making an effort with THAT parent as it’s going to important to her - she’s quite actively involved with her BF’s child. DP said when I put it like that, he does see my point and it doesn’t seem to make sense, and it’s rude. I also pointed out she never acknowledges that she’s late either even if it’s affecting DP’s plans. I said I was struggling to find things to like about her personally but it doesn’t matter if I don’t, I am going to carry on obviously with him and the kids as I have been and I respect she’s their parent and I am not.

He was disappointed when I said I felt uncomfortable now to go to handovers or events, he said they aren’t always as dramatic but doesn’t want me to feel uncomfortable. It’s agreed I won’t be present anymore. I said perhaps having too many people there makes it worse

He completely agrees that small DC is being set up to fail and he doesn’t agree with the expensive toys each week, it now affects him when he tries to treat the DC as they become grabby and choose all the expensive stuff (when he has given them like £5) then cry when he says no. Last time we took them in a toy shop to get another child a birthday present it ended with them both on the floor crying.

im just going to take a deep breath and a step back! I can’t make this woman be polite

You do not have to like her, or her like you. It would be better for the children, sure, but it is not happening, so move on from that. How she is with her partners ex is nothing to do with you whatsoever. The whole thing sounds messy, make it less so, by staying out of handovers, as has been advised. Why you need to be there is a mystery. You have no need to get out of the car at all. The poor children sound stressed. You are too focused on this women.

I did explain why I was there, because we had plans to go out. They don’t live close to each other. The handovers can be long and she’s usually late. This means a plan to do something at X time that day is delayed and I was just there because we were going onwards. It means another trip.

She asked to meet me. Then has ignored me ever since

I don’t care about the other family situation it was just my point to DP that she is also in my situation so the fact she has no empathy with that is a contributing factor to the awkwardness.

its sorted now - I won’t be going to any more, even if we have plans. I’m not going to try to build a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in one

I think you stepping right back is the best thing to do.

i wouldn’t focus on her being rude or whatever. Nor would I assume she is making any effort with her SC’s mother. It doesn’t make any difference whether she is or not. She is the way she is and there’s no point trying to change that.

The effects of her parenting choices sounds problematic. But, again, it is your partner’s issue to solve. There’s nothing you can do if he isn’t going to make any changes to things or challenge his ex.

He’s basically seeing the negative effects of some Disney mum parenting on the children. You could offer him support in developing strategies to mitigate the effects of this, but I think you just have to assume that ongoing Disney mum parenting will continue. Your DP needs to adjust his parenting to cope and do damage limitation for his children. Maybe focusing on ways that he might better manage their expectations to avoid tantrums when they need to go to a toy shop for a birthday present. Or just avoiding the situation entirely - order the present off Amazon without them because he knows they won’t cope with not getting something.

It’s not ideal. But he has to try to do his best for his children in the circumstances they find themselves in. That’s always a big complexity in stepfamilies - you too often end up having to run your life in response to or in anticipation of the choices made in the other household. You end up having to do things preemptively or defensively because you can’t change that household and you need to mitigate the effects that household has on your home life (and the children).

Some family counselling might be useful to him - or just some focused counselling for himself to develop approaches might be helpful.

As long as you have a good relationship with the children, that is the main thing.

I have a very good relationship with DP, the children and their extended family. I think this might be an underlying issue. Also that we declined the offer of dinner. I think she took this as a rejection rather than a boundary. Going for dinner with the DC when we had all never spoken to each other’s exes or new partners, DP wasn’t comfortable with it and she has a history of not respecting his boundaries

yeah I won’t be going on any more toy shop trips! DP does need to up his parenting game, he can be a bit passive at times

Sorry to resurrect it, I won’t explain all the exact circumstances as outing

recently there was a local event going on (ex wife had the DC)
exW had initiated a convo about the event and asked him if he’s going - he was keen, she seemed keen, she said what time she would be there, he turned up around that time, waited absolutely ages, he tried messaging no reply.

she was extremely late arriving so he had finally given up waiting and left when she turned up. He was quite upset. He is trying to coparent but it’s all on someone else’s terms. I feel bad for him. I tried not to have too many opinions on it this time