DC mum doesn’t acknowledge me

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I have been around for 2 years now with DP.

It got a little weird about 1 year in, ex wife asked DP if she could formally meet me to get to know me (rather than just saying hello and smiling on handovers). She wanted to go out for dinner! DP said that’s a bit intense (also they didn’t go out for dinner when her new BF moved in with her after 3 months). He said let’s go to the park at a handover. It was all agreed and on the date we got ready only for her to not show up or message, she had forgotten all about it and was running late with the kids.

Running late was because she has the kids for 3 nights a week and she had been out the night before and left the kids with a relative. So she had collected the kids the next morning from relative then taken them straight to meet DP for a handover. Obviously small DC were crying and didn’t want to be handed over because they had just been picked up by mum so the ‘meeting’ between us was me standing there watching the small DC crying & wailing, hanging on to mums legs and overall, awful.

move on with some time, she now doesn’t even look at me if I attend a handover and I will smile and wave/say hi.

The handovers still seem to be quite shit, yesterdays handover, they were very late to us and we had plans. they had returned from yet another trip to a toy shop where little DC wasn’t allowed to buy anything because they hadn’t behaved as well as older DC (and to watch older DC get an expensive toy) so younger child was - you guessed it - crying and sad, clinging onto mum, begging and saying they were going to be good and it made me feel a bit sick. Like I don’t know why these handovers always seem to end on disappointment and sadness for DC so often. It doesn’t help that at this point - sad little DC then comes to ME for comfort.

ex wife keeps badgering DP as to why small DC is ‘angry’ all the time and having so tantrums and behaving badly. I have my own older DC so I can spot these issues a mile away

I never ever say anything negative in front of kids. I just feel so sorry for them and think she’s a Dickead. Do you think she doesn’t speak to me because she can feel my silent judgement? 🤣I am trying so hard to muster up feelings of respect for her.

I'd stay away from handovers ifi was you tbh. I think your presence adds to the tension and it's like a third party being present watching.

On the issue of the toy shopping...it's a good lesson to see that if you behave you're rewarded, so next time the little one will behave themselves.

I did that with my kids. If you mess up, you don't get a treat.

It is very easy to see the cracks in parenting from an outside perspective, much harder when you are the parent. Whilst she doesn't sound like she is getting it right at least some of the time, perhaps she needs more support, although unlikely you would be a good candidate for that. I think your DP needs to talk to her in a supportive way to discuss how to try to make those handovers better for the children. Handovers can have emotions running high, not just for the children but parents too.

You do sound a bit overly judemental about her having a night out (why shouldn't she, she organised care) and being late / making a mistake. She can probably feel your judgement which isn't nice.

From your perspective, just keep being caring and consistent for those children. Also perhaps consider whether it is you (unintentionally) making it worse and that maybe you shouldn't do the handovers.

I have my own ex so I know how this all works from the other side. My kids have a great step mum and I got to know her by talking to her. All that really matters is the kids. I used to have nights out and bad handovers. I did not bribe my kids with new toys into doing normal every day things like eat or brush teeth though and also understand it takes like 20 years for children to learn to control rational thoughts and feelings. A fundamental part of child development is learning but I think when your parents are separated and you see your mum 40% of the week, there is an element of building trust and reasonable expectations of the child’s feelings - small DC is not behaving badly because she likes doing it, she’s angry with mum. She says some really angry things to her mum. Mums way of dealing with it is to not to address this but suppress it by making it small DC’s responsibly to be at the same level as an older child (at age 5) which sets small DC up to fail?

DP doesn’t experience the same issues so it’s hard for him to comment on the struggle mum is having but he does support her where he is able to

I would stay away from handovers. As they aren't really going well, having you there just makes things more difficult for all involved. My partner and I have children from previous relationships and we respect boundaries and do not attend handovers. We don't criticise other parenting skills and tbh as a mum you do an awful lot more for the children than the part time dad does. It's not easy handing over children to their dad and a new partner. 2 year relationship isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, so just leave well alone and let your DP deal with his children and his ex.

If this makes sense - it seems to be up to small DC to make her mum happy. This is why the handovers are awful as small DC panics at handover her mum is angry with her as she’s let her down. She keeps failing as she’s only small and is confused. I think this is a common mistake parents can make. It’s not your child’s responsibility to make you feel less stressed or let you have more sleep, or make less mess for your mum to clean up or not have tantrums to make you your parents day a nice one

it’s not my place though I’m going to stay off handovers for good now. I was really hoping it would help build a relationship but it’s not going to

DP is the main caregiver. He has 4 nights and all school runs and most of the weekend

I don't know why you need to be there tbh. Accompanying my husband on all his handovers would be the last thing I'd want to do with my time.

I've also never really felt the need for all this 'meeting' or 'getting to know' each others partners.

I've spoken to my husband's ex plenty, naturally it occurred throughout our relationship. No one forced some scheduled meeting to get to know each other (I know that was her not you OP).

If she wants to ignore you then whatever, let her crack on with it. No point stewing over other people's inability to be mature about things.

Stop letting her parenting annoy you, they aren't your children, if that's how their parents choose to parent that's their business. You don't have to do the same with your kids.

We were going out for the day. That’s the only time I go. If I am already in the car because we are going out, or the other occasion she asked to meet me. I go straight back into the car if things are going badly. One time we got there she wasn’t home and we had to dress the children and pack their stuff it was weird and then anyway she never says sorry to DP for being v late

The handovers are a weekend morning which then can really affect the rest of the day.

yeah I thought it would just happen naturally, like it did with my kids stepmum, I like her more than I like my ex now 🤣

it’s just all weird

The handovers that I would be on are a weekend morning. There are multiple, multiple handovers some days (before and after school), some apparently go better than others. Being late causes stress for the DC when it’s a school day. I am not there on all of those in the week. Only a weekend.

I go straight back into the car if things are going badly.

Id just stay in the car for all of them tbh. Just stay out of the whole thing, not for her sake, for yours! You don't need to deal with this or the annoyance at the way she is at handovers etc.. just let your husband deal with it. She's his burden at the end of the day, make life easier for yourself and don't get involved.

If it's close to where you live I'd even stay at home and tell him to come back and get me so we can go out after he'd finished!

You won't change her, getting, being late etc.. there's really no point getting annoyed about it. There are SO many things about my DSCs mum that wound me up (and still do if I think too much about them). I've really had to fine tune my not giving a fuck skills 🤣 and just lessening the burden on myself as much as I can i.e. not going to handovers etc..

I realise this probably sounds really patronising. I don't mean it to be. Trust me I've fallen down so real rabbit holes thinking about how annoying and disrespectful my husband's ex can be. But it never changed anything. She is who she is. I just have to think of ways I can minimise the effect on me!

So many rabbit holes*

I only get out so I am not appearing rude! Her partner is very friendly and always says hello. I say hello to everyone and smile. She pretends I don’t exist anymore. It’s not always possible to stay home because the lateness really impacts on our plans so if we have something to go to, DP coming back to pick me up just adds to this. It isn’t close. Also the pick up is not a quick handover it’s often long as nothing is ready and sometimes they aren’t even dressed. I will try though where I can to stay back. Or in the car.

I only get out so I am not appearing rude!

I'd stop caring. She has no issue appearing rude does she.

Clearly not. This is why I now find her rude and annoying. To not even say sorry to DP for being an hour late because they went to a toy shop, knowing he had plans. Her partner is always there so it’s just me who will end up not there, probably her intention so I need to stop letting it piss me off

I just feel sorry for the DC. DP tries really hard to keep things consistent. I think this is why they are more settled at his home. We had an issue last year with older DC being strangely obsessed by my weight (both DP and I are overweight mine was a health issue but also both actively trying very hard to lose weight).

She’s made rude what she thinks are funny haha comments to DP about his clothes or appearance which is so baffling. I met her parents once and they both blanked me too. I have done nothing to this woman and I really care for the children and make a lot of effort with them. DP has made effort with her partner they get on great, I also like talking to her partner - he makes the effort but I feel really unwelcome by her - like I wouldn’t want to go to a school fete or a birthday party that everyone was at, because they all blank me.

she left DP a year before I met him so I am not an interloper

Can I add in I just got a new job and it is at the same place she works. It’s huge and different departments, totally different roles so I am unlikely to see her much but it’s not impossible. Now I don’t know if it’s a good idea!

OP if you are introduced to her in a work meeting as she has never actually introduced herself to you then:

• act like you have just met her
• don't mention your family in any speel where you have to tell people about yourself,

and most importantly remain polite, professional and slightly distsnced at all times.

If you bump into her in a corridor as you have never actually been introduced act polite to her as any stranger.

On the other hand if you meet her partner give a polite greeting as an acknowledgement of their existence and go on with your day.

Did you know this before you applied for the role?

I did know but it’s way too good an opportunity to turn down for this reason. We would never be in a meeting we might see each other in the car park or cafeteria that’s all

I would still like a civil relationship with her, it’s embarrassing for DP as he clearly knows she has a nice side too, I am just not able to form a positive opinion as she’s always acting weird

i hadn’t seen her for a while until yesterday and she is still blanking me - it makes me so uncomfortable. I just have to get over it I’m an adult

They need to sort it out so the child isn't passed around so much multiple handovers in one day isn't good for anyone.

I agree but I don’t think my opinion on this counts! DP doesn’t want to rock the boat

way back they were sharing care from the same house, with one leaving and staying somewhere else on the other ones days/nights. This wasn’t great for DP but he had arranged his work around

now it’s changed to 2 x nights they sleep at DM from 6pm to 7am and then the last 1 x night it’s 4pm to 11am then all the other times they are with DP or at school

i think the contact and drop offs would work better if DM had not moved further away, DP stayed close to the school so there is a lot of driving, traffic, tiredness, forgotten things, disorganisation, late meals

To me it looks and feels stressful and we are adults so I don’t know how the kids cope with it all. I think DP thinks this is what shared parenting is

Why are there multiple handovers a day? That is not in the children’s interests at all.

nonetheless, it’s not your problem to solve. Your DP can figure out a more sensible arrangement or continue to have his children suffer through this. You can’t do anything about any of it.

You’ll be much happier if you just see this as not your problem and let him get on with it.

That's bloody ridiculous

No it’s not really my issue. I am just there feeling frustrated by hungry tired confused DC who need a lot of de-escalating

there are 2 handovers on 2 days because mum drops to them to dad to go to school then dad picks up from school and hands back to mum later on. She’s always late

I think DP has confused what is best for the kids and what’s best for his ex. Everything revolves around her schedule and not the kids. She’s got them in clubs too so there is that added in!