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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Worrying behaviour from 10 y/o step son.

22 replies

NJT1993 · 09/05/2022 11:24

Hello,
just wanted peoples advice on this.
Myself and partner have recently had our first child and he’s 8 weeks old this week.
My partner already has a 10 year old son who stays every weekend and has done for
as long as we’ve been together.
He has recently told his mum and dad that he’s been having ‘sexual thoughts’. Worryingly he has told my partner that his thoughts often involve me in extremely inappropriate circumstances.
He came to stay over the weekend but it was very awkward and he wouldn’t even be in the same room as me and demanded he go home a day early.
He also says he wouldn’t change the babies nappy and he has thoughts of ‘biting his willy off’ which again is somewhat disturbing.
Has anyone else experienced their child having these thoughts at this young age,
and if so how did you approach the situation?
I understand we all go through puberty and discover these things but it’s what and who he is thinking about in these terms which is worrying me.
He won’t have anything to do with his little brother at the minute and also keeps specifically asking if he and his dad can do things ‘just the two of them’ when he is here which he has never done before. Part of
me wonders if he is playing on this sexual behaviour a little as he thinks that if he continues to make life difficult at the weekends that myself and the baby will go somewhere else whilst he comes to stay, so he just has his dad to himself again - especially as he continues to bring up
that its mainly me in these thoughts.
He can be quite manipulative so I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.
Any help or advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

PrimarilyParented · 09/05/2022 13:53

Call the NSPCC for advice, they will be much better than this forum.

ilovemyboys3 · 09/05/2022 13:56

I would absolutely seek professional help with this. Maybe counselling and the GP. I would be very worried about what he said about the baby, so do not leave baby alone anywhere near him. In my opinion, he will have to stop coming if he continues to have these thoughts until he can seek help.

nearlyspringyay · 09/05/2022 13:57

You need professional advice.

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 14:00

Could possibly be OCD - intrusive thoughts, which can often be sexual. You definitely need proper advice.
OCD-UK have a very good helpline.

WeddingShedding · 09/05/2022 14:47

This sounds like OCD to me, too. Definitely seek advice about this as living with OCD and scary intrusive thoughts is really distressing.

Minimalme · 09/05/2022 16:06

Yup, OCD was my first thought too.

OCD is anxiety-based and having a new sibling could well be a trigger for new intrusive thoughts.

Please try not to think of him as manipulative. He first response was to go home early rather than try and get you out of the home. He will be very frightened of his thoughts.

He needs proper help.

BaaMoon · 09/05/2022 16:18

PrimarilyParented · 09/05/2022 13:53

Call the NSPCC for advice, they will be much better than this forum.

Agree

But don't leave your baby unattended with him. Ever.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/05/2022 16:21

Given what you've said about him, his mother and their home set up on your previous thread, I'd contact NSPCC and Social Services for advice.

Kowloondairy · 09/05/2022 16:37

Sounds like a condition called Pure O which is the O in OCD. This often starts at a young age with inappropriate sexual feeling and gets worse with sufferers having vivid thoughts that they have harmed someone, they get flashes of horrific accidents that they feel they are responsible for and their lives can become consumed by these fears. Please get him some help asap. My son suffered from this condition and he has learned to a certain extent to mask these thoughts but sometimes he is just overwhelmed.

JanglyBeads · 09/05/2022 17:29

(Just to add to the previous poster, the Obsessions can be completely different from this however)

Themadcatparade · 10/05/2022 13:14

Agree over the professional advice.

one thing for the time being I will mention is that maybe the best thing to do for him is up the attention (from his dad though rather than yourself due to the nature of the intrusive thoughts on you!) He seems clearly triggered by his new sibling and may just need additional focus time with his dad attending to him, and hopefully this will settle any anxieties he has over any fear of abandonment or rejection he might feel.

Even if he is getting the attention and not being left out, does not mean he isn’t scared of this happening anytime soon. The fact you feel he is manipulative over this too seems to indicate he’s manipulative because he genuinely needs it. My SD is the same, she’s been manipulative and very clever from the start, prone to lies and hiding things too which has been extremely frustrating but due to circumstances with her mother I also don’t blame her for acting out in certain ways. There is always a root reason for behaviour. She seems to settle in to her lovely kind self when we do pay additional attention and spend more time focussing on her. I’m sure this will all settle over time too. Good luck!

JanglyBeads · 10/05/2022 20:12

Perhaps instead of calling it manipulative think of it as desperately seeking to get his needs met - needs that he won't himself understand.

Wartywart · 10/05/2022 20:22

I guess he's 10 and you've just had a baby so he's aware of how the baby was made, iyswim. That might explain why he's having intrusive thoughts about you. Poor boy just clearly wants the thoughts to go away which is why he's asking his dad for time just the two of them. Also it's unsettling having a new half-sibling so no wonder he's looking for reassurance that his dad still loves him just the same.

Really good that he felt able to talk to his dad.

Finallylostit · 10/05/2022 20:31

ilovemyboy3 - only on mumsnet SM forum is the solution to ban him from seeing his other parent and leave the other one to manage the situation.

COunselling and professional help

ilovemyboys3 · 10/05/2022 21:02

Finallylostit · 10/05/2022 20:31

ilovemyboy3 - only on mumsnet SM forum is the solution to ban him from seeing his other parent and leave the other one to manage the situation.

COunselling and professional help

Didn't say ban him from seeing his dad but he's talked about biting his baby brothers Willy off and sexual thoughts about his step mum - you think is normal and will actual help him being around the two of them?

Purplepeople12 · 11/05/2022 08:39

I agree it sounds like OCD intrusive thoughts, they will be really distressing him, he isn't being manipulative, it sounds like he's scared of his own thoughts and he's trying to keep himself away from the subject of these thoughts, sadly though this will make them occur more and more often. He needs help to take the fear out of the thought, let th wash over him amd understand it doesn't mean he's going to carry out these things. If it helps, they say people with these thoughts are the least likely to act on them.

PeeAche2 · 11/05/2022 09:46

This sounds very much like the start of the "pure O" OCD.

I'm sorry, but I don't know what the situation is at mum's house, as I haven't followed your other threads. (From @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz 's reply) but if there are any concerns for his safety, you should raise this with dad asap so that he can take appropriate action.

I think this needs to be escalated up to a professional and I agree with PPs that NSPCC can be a great help.xxx

PineForestsAndSunshine · 11/05/2022 09:54

I’m addition to all the great advice above, I’d also make sure your DSS gets the opportunity to spend one on one time with his Dad out of the house. I’m also a stepmum (my DSS is an adult now!) and this is something I’d recommend all parents do with older children on the arrival of a new baby anyway - but particularly with a non-resident child.

And congratulations on the birth of your new baby!

wonderwoman26 · 11/05/2022 10:14

As someone who also had very intrusive thoughts at a young age, i really feel sorry for your stepson. I appreciate it may be very uncomfortable and disturbing for you, but i promise you he will be feeling all sorts of shame and guilt around his thoughts.

I use to lay awake at night, with intense shame for the thoughts i use to think, and question what is wrong with me to be thinking these things. I told my parents about my horrible thoughts who were very very supportive and made a world of difference. He will be distancing himself from you because he is embarrassed and feeling guilty, he is only 10. He doesn't understand why he thinks like this.

A conversation, no matter how uncomfrtable for you or DP, will make the world of difference here. Explain what intrusive thoughts are to him, explain to him he is not weird or wrong or an outcast for these htoughts - they are things that he cannot control.

Anoushka1986 · 11/05/2022 10:19

Poor kid. Definitely sounds like OCD to me. He seems horrified by the thoughts rather than having a desire to follow through with them. Seek out a psychologist who has experience in OCD.

Finallylostit · 11/05/2022 23:33

He is asking for help - not sure how much clearer he could be and respect a 10 yr old for having the guts to talk to his parents about it.

Get him some help asap but don't isolate him from the family. The trigger may well have been the new sibling. Feel so sad for him.

Time for the adults to look after him and help him

Louise0701 · 11/05/2022 23:39

Oh the poor boy :( definitely encourage the 1-1 time with his dad. He is 10, has just had a new sibling thrust into his life and now he is having to deal with all this.
i hope he’s getting lots of support. Do his mum and dad co-parent well together? If so, It’s probably worth the 3 of them sitting down together and arranging some help for him. It’s important he knows has his parents support around him.

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